Gay vs Gay

I write this with a certain amount of fear that too many will take offence without looking at the real issues. I welcome constructive discussion on his matter however, as it's something that affect our community quite deeply.

There's a quiet "in-house"  discrimination amongst gay guys (in fact, its amongst all the LGBT community, but I'll leave that for another blog).

Here's an example of the problem

In it's simplest form it comes down to masculine gays not liking effeminate gays. On the surface, it seems like a basic need for tolerance and acceptance, as stated in the article link above. But I think there are much deeper issues involved.

There is the simple issue of the type of person we like. We all have preferences for a partner, from hair colour down to personality and character. This is perfectly valid and should not be an issue in the slightest. However, when we impose our personal preferences as a judgement onto others we have crossed the line into discrimination and bigotry.

But there's another reason why so many of the more "masculine" gays don't like the feminine ones. Sadly there is a generalisation that femme guys are petty and bitchy.

There's a reason we have generalisations - they are mostly true, and as a result tend to be applied to all who fit the general description.

Personally, I hate pettiness, gossip, backstabbing and bitchiness in anyone, and have very little time for it. One thing I've noticed as I interact with the broad LGBT community, is that femme guys in particular display these characteristics far too often, to the point of being predictable. I hate it with a passion! And I have to admit it puts me on guard whenever I meet effeminate guys. I don't want to, and I genuinely want to assume the best of every person I meet.

But despite my best intentions, time after time, effeminate guys seem to see the world through the lens of petty gossip.

As I said this is a generalisation, and I give my sincere apologies to all those beautiful people who don't fit this picture. I also have to say that in spite of this, I genuinely see the best in people and choose to exercise empathy to everyone. I will never discriminate against anyone. But I will choose the level of interaction I have with people in the interest of healthy boundaries.

So... after saying all this, what are we to do? Why is this so prevalent?

Lets look at it without involving sexuality or gender. If you met someone who was into belittling, gossiping and generally being shallow and self absorbed, would you avoid them and leave them to it? Straight girls... if you have a friend who is like that, you tend to avoid them for your own mental health. We all do!

This is the crux of the matter. An effeminate gay guy can be fun loving and absolutely beautiful. They can be caring and deeply compassionate, full of empathy and a great confidant. But there are many who you know you simply would not trust.

This really comes down to the personal paradigms of so many effeminate gays who have allowed themselves to be defined by their insecurities, abuse and rejection. These produce the underlying fears that result in this sort of behaviour. It's a problem that we desperately need to address, with compassion and unconditional love - not judgement and more rejection.

We really are a persecuted minority and we must support each other, but we must also be realistic and have the guts to examine our own biases and paradigms.

We are bigger than this. We must learn to love, to validate each other and ourselves.

I'm Angry

I'm struggling with anger.

If you are familiar with my journey, it may come as no surprise.

Here's some of what I'm angry about:

1. Having to hide who I really was all my life - conform to a heterosexual norm
2. Having to use every ounce of emotional energy I had to appear "normal" at the cost of everything else in my life
3. The journey through christianity in the hope that it would "cure" me
4. Investing 45 years of my life into a belief system that brought nothing but shame and guilt
5. Realising that same belief system is nothing more than a man made set of doctrines
6. Realising I've been manipulated and controlled by a religious system that did the exact opposite of what it claimed - and being completely blind to it all my life
7. Deprived of ever having experienced a real mutually loving romantic relationship for 45 years
8. Seeing the same belief system cause untold pain and suffering in millions of others

And that's not the half of it!


I thought over the last 5 years I've been sorting it all out pretty well, and on a intellectual level I certainly have. Even emotionally I've processed a lot of stuff. But lately I've discovered the anger is deeper than I thought. It's that incessant feeling of "I've been ripped off all my life and it's too late to do anything about it".

Of course I know all the valuable lessons I've learned, all the clichés, platitudes and truisms, and intellectually I can reassure myself that it was worth it all. But I've unconsciously tried to suppress the anger - and even thought it was done and dusted and I could move on to a better life.

Nooo, I was deceived! As I research more about religion and its impact on not only LGBT people but humanity in general, I feel an anger, and a repulsion towards christianity (and ALL religions) in a way that's hard to describe.

Sure, I know there are millions of good loving people who bring their own love into a doctrinally bankrupt belief system and turn it around for good. But I'm still angry at the whole thing. I never want to set foot in a church again.

Yes, my understanding of spirituality is now so much bigger and all embracing and loving than I ever would have thought possible.

But I'm still angry - deep down angry. And I think that's ok. If I suppress it I'm really doing the same thing religion always wanted me to do. If I explode with it all, I risk damaging others. So I'm learning to express it, being aware that others could get hurt, but also aware that in sharing my hurt and anger, others will realise that they too have lived lives of abuse and deception that need to be opened up and drained like an infected wound.

Being "real" is something very few of us are good at. It's scary - to ourselves and everyone else. But I'm beginning to think that the world will be a far better place when we all understand what being real actually is, and we can do it "safely". (and that's a whole other blog).

Relationships With No Agenda

This is a great comment on love relationships. So simple and yet deeply profound, and more difficult to live than we would care to believe.
Full article here...

Dear bigoted, fundamentalist, homophobic christians...

Now that I have your attention, allow me to elaborate.

Have you ever noticed that if you pull someone up for something negative (especially online), most of the time they assume you're are making a derogatory comment about their value as a human being. They instantly think you are being personally slanderous.

If I say to someone that their comment is bigoted, most assume that I'm calling them a bigot, in the sense that I've just described their entire worth in one word. And yet all I'm saying is the comment or attitude that they have displayed in a particular context is bigoted.

There is also the whole issue of generalisations. I could say that most fundamentalist christians are close minded and refuse to listen to anything outside their set of dogmas. Once again, generalisations are exactly that - general statements that aren't meant to imply any personal defamation to an individual. It's simply a statement that describes a common mindset.

What I'm trying to say is that any particular mindset or opinion you may have about something  doesn't define your entire character or value as a human being. It may be an opinion that really sucks and needs to be challenged, but it still isn't who you are.

I have friends who I constantly have digs at for their particular views on something, but that doesn't devalue their humanity - their worth, the years of life experience, pain and suffering, joys, heartaches - all the things that make them humans like you and me!

Let's try to stop taking offence so easily and actually listen to people. If someone calls you a right wing conservative fundamentalist homophobic misogynist racist, it simply means they have reacted to that particular part of your life paradigm. It's what they've seen presented in a conversation or comment, a post or meme. And yes, often people get carried away and really do think your entire worth is contained in one viewpoint, but try to remember that they don't know you - they don't know everything that has made you who you are right now. They are reacting to that part of you that has been presented to them.

When you respond to people, be careful to clarify that it's the comment that may be the problem, NOT them as equal and fallible humans. The comment only represents a small part of their life paradigm. Instead of saying "you are a bigot", make it clear that "your comment was bigoted". Notice the difference? It's huge! And make sure that they understand the difference too!

It's all about love really - empathy and respect. And no, I don't always get it right myself, and lose my cool, but I'm also quick (hopefully) to apologise when I realise what I've done.

Living loved is what it's all about, and remember, you can always politely just "walk" away.

Achievement abuse

The pressure to "achieve" is relentless.

I don't just mean, get a good job or whatever. I mean to make something of your life -  to become a "useful/normal" member of society. We are told to get over our crap - sure, take time to work through it, so long as you actually "get better" - there's only so much "compassion" we are allowed to receive before it's time to move on and get back into the system.

In christian circles especially, this is a type of subtle but powerful abuse. Yep, that's right - abuse!

We use a combination of capitalism and the "protestant work ethic" backed by the twisted dogma of religion that demands we fit in to a mould - that we all look and behave the same, allowing just enough diversity so it appears we are tolerant.

This covers every aspect of life! Our personal goals and ambitions, our work ethic, relationships, mental health, finances, politics... All are neatly framed by expectations to conform, but most importantly, to "succeed".

Our ability to conform has become the measure of our success.

We are given all the help we need as long as we can measure the results of that help in terms of becoming "functional" members of society. And for christians, that means "functional" members of church. We measure relationship with God (our validity as a christian) by how much we have achieved. This includes our level of "obedience to God", our "ministry", our "service", having the perfect family, good finances (prospering) and a great smile that shows how we have "overcome".

But what if those measures of success are totally arbitrary? What if they are actually destroying us - destroying who we really are - our true identity? What if the pressure they put on us is slowly killing us?

What if there were no expectations to be anything other than who we are, and encouraged to simply find love in ourselves and everyone else?

All cultures have inflicted this on its people in some form. Christianity excels at it, especially as it bases it all on being pleasing to God. It makes God out to be the one who wants us to achieve the right (righteous) results, and excuses this abuse of our core identity and self worth by claiming it's the way God decrees it.

We are not broken. We are not miserable sinners desperately needing some external magic God to save us. We don't need to fit any mould. We are all completely unique, and when we are given the freedom to be just that, we'll all function together in ways we never imagined!

Confession of a father

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. 

I spent all my life so obsessed with the battles of religion and desperately trying to be a "normal" heterosexual husband and father, that I missed so much of my son's needs.
I could see he was hurting. I could see as he hit his teen years that he was struggling, and withdrawing.
I could see the calls for help when he was sick, and battled with IBS for so long.
I could see the darkness when his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when he was 15.
I could see the ache and the walls he built as she died when he was 17.
But I was never really there for him. I tried, I really tried, but it was too late in many ways, and I couldn't get through.
He hurts, deeply, and I feel the remorse.
We'll get there, I know we will, and he knows I love him, and I know he loves me.
And my daughter, grown and long moved on. But I missed out on her life, her pain, and wasn't there for her either. I'm so grateful to her mother and new father for being what I couldn't be. And yes, she loves me too, and she knows I love her!

Here's the bitter irony.

I wasted most of my life living the lies of religion, denying my own integrity and living a dishonest life. But that life brought forth my children. Two beautiful people.

If I'd lived with the integrity I so craved (to the point of being suicidal), they would not be here. So my life of "faking it" still brought something good.

What do you do with something like that? I hate the lies that told me I couldn't just be me. I hate them with a passion. But living those lies produced two beautiful people. Well, I guess that's just how it goes. But the pain of not being able to be the father they really needed, because of some screwed up religious dogma makes me angry.
I spent every ounce of emotional energy on maintaining the lie, leaving nothing for them.

It'll be OK, I know. But I'm putting this out there to show just how disgusting religion in all its forms can be. I lived some christian lie that directly affected the lives of two women and two kids. I know they still love me, but it hurts more than they may ever realise. And that hurt is something untold numbers of gay men (and women) experience.


It's got to stop!
How many more screwed up lives do there have to be before things really change?!?!

I'm not saying this looking for pity, I'm saying it so we can grow, and live real lives - to get the word out there to every LGBT person on this planet - we don't have to be someone else, to live up to some religious expectation or cultural demands. We really are free to be who we are!

Something VERY personal

I'm sharing this very personal information, NOT because I'm looking for sympathy, because seriously, I'm OK in many ways and have worked through it to the point where I feel comfortable enough to put it out there! This is something that needs to be said.

I'm making some assumptions that you know my story and may have read my book. But in a nutshell, I never had the chance to be in love. Sure, I did fall in love, but I could never act on it. Having a deep romantic relationship with another guy wasn't even an option for me.

I was confined to living a lie and shutting down every bit of attraction to guys that was possible so that I could live as a straight guy, get married and have a family.

But what that did to me at a deep level, was shut down every bit of relational identity and growth at my late 20s. From that point on, I was a fraud. I had shut down, no life, no integrity, a fake!

But now I'm free to live my true self, finally with the integrity I craved for so long. But here's the problem. I still feel like, in terms of what I'd look for in relationships, I'm stuck at that point in my 20s. I love the vibrancy of youth, the sense of so much to learn and grow, the passion and life.

I really feel like my life stopped back then, but now I'm this old guy who's missed out.

Of course, that's just my body getting older. Like many of us older folks, we still feel young inside, lol! But for me it's like I never had the chance to be that romantic youth, finding the joy of intimate love without any shame, guilt or fear.

I know there are many older gay people out there who know this feeling, and I'm simply saying its OK. There are many of us who know what it feels like. I know many older guys in the same place, and there's often a quiet sadness there and a resignation to the inevitable. Some find love where they least expect it of course, and other's just go on, and some... well, it can get really sad.

I'm comfortable with myself these days. I like my own company, and am at peace. I have amazing friends and confidants. Perhaps I'll grow enough to not even think about the issue any more. But even so, I'm content. My identity in myself is whole. I don't need someone else to "complete" me, because that would put unrealistic expectations on any relationship!

So there you go. This isn't a pity party. It's just the way it is, and there can be a beautiful contentment in that!

For the Love of Facebook!

Facebook!!

What an amazing place!

Sometimes I think I spend way too much time there. I belong to about 50 groups (far too many to have meaningful contact with them all!). I have four of my own pages and a couple of groups, so yeah, I'm committed to this!

Some days I get overwhelmed. Too much crap! Depressing world news, pictures of people being tortured, children abused, all sorts of horror hitting me in the face, demanding my attention, emotions, responses, money, time. So much that I can do little or nothing about. So much that overwhelms, to the point of desensitising and just skimming over it all.

But then there are cats, and food, and babies, and funny memes...

There's also the friendships - with people you've never met. Some become quite deep and personal, others are just fun and flippant. I've had the wonderful fortune of meeting a couple of FB friends from overseas - and it was wonderful!!

But there's also a huge world of discussion, argument, conflicting views, exploring ideas, discovery, growth - and also the world of preaching, bigotry, hate, dogma, ignorance. There's a lot of really ugly stuff as well.

So why do we do it? Why do I spend so much time on it?

On one hand, I like it when I'm "Liked". I express some idea, post something funny or meaningful and the Likes come rolling in - it feels good. I post something controversial or challenging and get the Likes, the encouragement, the discussions and arguments, and it feels good to have triggered something bigger than myself.

On the other hand, I can get attacked. I can be vulnerable and have people take advantage of that. I can be abused, misunderstood and victimised by people completely unwilling to hear others, or who are just victims of their own biases and dogma. But it hurts, especially when you know they don't see you as a real person, with the same loves and passions and fears as all of us!

But on the other hand (Ok, three hands, but who's counting), I see a mass of humanity, all wanting to be understood, to be accepted, affirmed in their humanity, to be honoured for where they are at. People wanting to be loved.

I get torn. There's so much shallow thinking, so much obsession with meaningless stuff. So many who fail to see the most basic consequences of their thoughts and actions. People totally unaware of their paradigms and biases, who they are and what made them that way. People who are so self centred that they refuse to believe for a second that they could be wrong about anything.

I get torn because I know these people need love - more than anything else, they need to experience pure, unconditional love. But we also need to educate, to challenge - and some are so ignorant of the damage they inflict on other people that we can't simply sit back and let them go on.

Perhaps empathy is the key. When we stop and really want to understand others, to get inside their heads and feel the way they do, we might be able to respond in a way that brings life and healing.

Some christian circles might call it prophesy or "word of knowledge", but we don't need some wanky religious jargon to apply a basic human attribute. Empathy has nothing to do with our belief systems. It transcends any religion or dogma. Empathy is unconditional love. It's as simple as taking the time to listen without prejudice and put ourselves in their shoes.

Facebook! (and the entire internet/social media network) - we can make it a place of life and love. It's the most powerful tool for the growth of mankind that the world has ever seen!!

 

 

On Being Offensive

It's been an interesting few days! I've learned a lot about being offensive and taking offence!

One of the Facebook groups I frequent had a blow-out. I won't go into details, but you can imagine, if you've been on Facebook long enough.

It wasn't pretty and people got hurt, blamed the administrator, relationships broken, and now there's all the subsequent slander and back-biting that inevitably comes after people are hurt and feel betrayed.

I even tried to bring some understanding, hope and life into the mess and got slammed for being controlling, insensitive, passive aggressive etc.

It hurt. Many simply couldn't or wouldn't understand what I was saying.

What came out of all this though, is the whole idea of venting - expressing our offences and hurts, working through the pain and frustration, being free to look at abuse and how it affects us, and right through to holding the other person accountable for
what they've done.

This is a huge issue, and something we aren't really good at discussing in depth. When people are really hurt, the last thing they want is to be rational. They need the space to process and work through it all. But there's also the issue of inflaming the problem, of causing damage to others, that down the line sometime, we may realise was completely unjustified. We can cause a heck of a lot of damage to others during the venting process.

What do we do? How do we express this stuff in a way that affirms our own pain and feelings of injustice, rejection, control or whatever, but allows the "offender" the same right to process the events - all in a way that brings life and love.

All too often the end result is complete separation and division, and, especially where there has been religion involved, accusations of selfish, evil intentions, fraud, slander, you name it. It turns into a witch hunt, looking for any action the offender may have made that could be construed to fit with the initial offence.

Perhaps the very public acts of control, abuse and deception by high profile "preachers and ministers" that have affected many innocent people, have created a mentality that is overly sensitive to these issues? We are far more aware of how this dynamic works than we ever have been. But here's the thing - we are all capable of it, and actually do it all the time as part of our complex systems of interactions and relationships.

I've often caught myself trying to manipulate a situation, say the right words to get people to agree with me and do what I want. I've juggled group dynamics to my own benefit, and as a worship leader, its something we are trained to do very well (but that's a whole other story!!). I want to protect my vested interests, my security - not in terms of income etc, but in terms of my self value. I've worked hard to protect myself and I want to maintain that, even if it means using manipulation to achieve it.

This is what we do as humans. We all do. But when we are in a position of power and responsibility, these habits become far more problematic.

So how does this all work in relation to my original idea? Bloody good question!!

Perhaps it simply means that we ALL have a far greater responsibility to own our emotions than we care to admit. Perhaps our propensity for self pity, however well deserved, is our Achilles Heal. We need to be honest with ourselves on every level, to admit our weaknesses and to give ourselves room to process, work through the emotions and grow. We need the space and freedom to come out the other end with dignity and self-worth. But if we do that at the expense of anyone else, have we really achieved anything?

I don't know. Relationships are hard. All I DO know is that love, compassion and empathy are absolutely key to all we do, no matter how difficult, even in our worst pain! Love is a key we so easily throw away in focussing on our own needs.

Let's work together - be vulnerable - be open - share our pain - remember that we all need the same amount of love; no matter if we have offended, or are offended.

Clericalism

I have a guest blog today from Dylan Morrison - a wonderful and very insightful writer (check out his books here).

Enjoy!!

Click here to see original article

I guess there’s always been a bunch of folk who saw themselves as intermediaries of sort between God and man. How come? Well I believe that bizarrely the roots of religious belief can be found in mob violence – the founding murder, so to speak. I’d better explain.

Ancient man lived in small extended family groupings or prototype tribes. When something went wrong in their fight for survival and things began to get a little heated, a scapegoat was quickly found and dispatched in a fit of rage. This unexpected blood-letting released a quasi sense of cathartic peace in the remaining family members, who began to interpret it as the blessing of the Divine Spirit in the Sky! “Ah, so if we kill someone or something on a regular basis, we can obtain the favour of the One above. If we sacrifice to Transcendence, blessings will flow.” The birth of sacrificial religious thought which sadly continues to this day.

Over time, the tribe asked for volunteers to dot he dirty deed and so the priesthood was born. Those not afraid to get blood on their hands in exchange for a new prestige within the community. “We are a cut above the rest,” became their sacred slogan as they sharpened their clerical knives. And so it has continued through the ages. For some the blood is still part of the killing vocation, for others it’s now a symbolic role, dispensing the wine of the slain Lamb on a regular basis. Since time immemorial we have been into blood and so it remains. Further exploration of this obsession is for another day. What I really want to focus on is the sociological residue of such a belief system – the clerical class.

Now, let me say that I’m friends with a number of priests of varying shades. I’m not here to question their motives or their devotion to the Divine; rather I wish to question whether they are needed. Of course, when professional livelihoods are involved the cleric understandably fights back with 2000 years of Christian tradition or even more in the case of the older religions. I can understand that all too human reaction. When we need food on the table for our kids we’ll perform all sorts of pastoral back flips to justify our existence.

No, do we really need a professional class of priests, pastors and dare I say it, Apostles ( for my Pentecostal friends) in order to know God. Do we still require the experts to stand between Divine Source and man? Well, if we still insist on communities that centre around a round of religious gatherings in a purpose-built building, then the clergy still play a role, albeit an organisational one. For, let’s face it, if there wasn’t a paid official to do all the stuff, the whole system would collapse due to apathy. Folk have always wanted a Moses figure to go up the Mount and come back with a tabletised list of instructions from God, especially if they can also perform the role of CEO for the business named church.

I guess I’m saying that we don’t need a bunch of men or women to dispense the Divine for us, for Presence already dwells within. What we may need is one almighty shock to our ego system, that reveals this dramatic truth, one that rarely comes through the dedicated efforts of the clergy. A sudden death, a health scare, a divorce, redundancy etc all have the potential to jolt us into an Awakening experience. The place for answers is within, in the depths of our ego screams. There the Light dwells and we knew it not. Most folk within clerical systems of ministry are nice folk, though not all. Yet, there very existence may divert folk from meeting the Divine, heart to Heart. A little ministerial cul-de-sac that seems to help for a while until a new top-up of concern is needed. Life is messy and it’s there that Divine Love has chosen to dwell.

The trouble is that the priest/pastor/reverend etc can feel that it’s their job to keep the whole God show on the road. This is often done by teaching the particular dos and don’ts of their interpretive tradition. Having joined the clerical class to help mankind they can so easily end up propping up a moral empire based on the interpretive add-ons of their religious tradition. It’s so easy to switch into control mode in the name of the God of freedom. It’s the historical virus that invades the very heart of religious systems. The priest once more stands as judge and jury on the whole God-man thing, tempted to shed blood, albeit verbally on the chosen scapegoat.

Finally, let me tell you a wee story. A couple of years back here in Lincoln, I was out for a walk along the local High Street when I noticed a bunch of Christians doing their evangelistic thing. Always willing to have a chat will fellow God folk, I stopped and entered into a friendly chat with a guy, who turned out to be the pastor of the gang. At first our conversation was friendly but soon it was strongly inferred that I should be a church member and come along to sample his particular brand of gathering. At this point I suggested that the pastor try a wee experiment. Why not stop all church gatherings for a year, when folk could just mix with society at large. After 12 months have a meeting to see how many people had become Christians through contact with his flock. Unfortunately, I saw sheer disbelief in his eyes. “Dylan, I couldn’t do that.” “Why not?” I asked. “Well, frankly my members wouldn’t make it if it weren’t for our church programme.” Enough said. ” The Christ within would wither up and die if the pastor’s flock didn’t get their weekly worship session and sound Bible instruction.

The clerical system at its worst methinks.

Losing our lands, gaining the world

I was talking to someone the other day about land rights, here and abroad, the middle east, all that stuff. You know what its like. The endless to and fro about who was there first, the injustices and horrors.

I thought about the ISIS stuff, the christians, and all the other religious wars and persecutions. I wondered about the Jews claim to their God given homeland, the cries of the Palestinians, the Ukrainians, and all the other eastern Europe conflicts. The aboriginals, the American Indians, on and on through history.

So much is tied up in national identity and its relationship to the land. Humanity has what I would call an obsession with the land being integral with their identity. The history of countless generations becoming an almost physical part of the soil they stand on. Every nation on earth has this.

Countless "superior" nations have invaded and conquered weaker nations and tribes, dislodging them from their native lands, often cruel, and even genocidal. Often those earlier nations did the same with even earlier cultures and tribes. It's a cycle that humanity keeps going through.

History proves that man learns nothing from history. This seems to be a prime example. People tromping over each other, claiming some superior reason or right - often a "reclaiming" of old lands that are their heritage, as if who they are is inherent in the particular patch of earth they "own".

Sure, there are nations that "get it" in the sense that no one owns the land. But they aren't that common any more. Many of them have been forced into the same "ownership" mentality.

How sad that humanity keeps thinking that anything outside of themselves - external to them - is of such value that they are willing to kill for it!

I understand the spiritual connections to the land, but as a species we keep elevating that connection to our personal and corporate identity. We think that if we don't stand together with our tribe on our "ancestral" land (and that goes for any country/nation/tribe/culture) we will lose all meaning and hope.

What a waste!

Seriously, it's a tragic delusion that focuses on the external, the material, as if that is what makes us who we are.

Patriotism - what an absolute ripoff! Yes, I love the country I live in and all the benefits I have as part of that culture, but patriotism is a deep "us and them" arrogance. It says we are better, stronger, nicer, happier, we have better morals, better government. It separates into tribes and build walls. It stands in defiance against humanity's unique unity.

My country is no more special than yours. I love where I live, but its not my identity. We hold ideals as if they magically make us better. We think our "rich" heritage actually means something. Sure its interesting, but its not WHO WE ARE.

America, the Middle East, ALL of us. We are humanity, we are one! This isn't some hippie drug induced dream - its the only way forward. No religion will ever provide a solution, no political system will make a difference. Only our determination to break apart those paradigms and actually see each other as loving beautiful people, will make any difference.

How do we do this? How do we actually get to this point? We simply start doing it. We stop being patriotic, one individual at a time. We stop looking for our identity in others, in our environment, in our culture, in our family. We still love them, but they are not US. It's not an unachievable pipe dream. Its as simple as letting go and choosing to see with eyes that love - exercising empathy and compassion, over and above our obsession for cultural identity.

It's simply living loved.

Tolerance (practicing what I preach)

I'm such an idealist!!

I think the world can be changed overnight by just adopting a few basic principles.
I think I can be changed overnight!
But here I am, still being my usual argumentative obnoxious self. I even wrote a blog not long ago about being a snob.
The worst part of it all is seeing others struggling with the crap I used to struggle with, seeing people trapped in the stuff that made me a tormented, deluded, suicidal wreck. I just want to tell people to get out of that religious garbage and shout at them to run away!! I want people to see the enormity of life and love and how small religious boxes are.
I want to desperately argue, discuss, reason and plead, and make them see how deceived they are!

But of course, I overlook the one thing that I claim to be so passionate about: respect for each others journey.

My life has been my unique journey. Your life is your unique journey. I can share my life and all that has made me what I am - all that has led me to here and now, my beliefs and hopes. But that's all. I have no right to demand that you change. I can encourage things like honesty and integrity, love and empathy. I can challenge our paradigms and confront bigotry and abuse. But I can't expect you to be me. I have no right to demand that you believe the same things I do, feel the same way I do.

When I respect your journey, I respect who you are. I acknowledge that God (whatever you conceive "him" to be) will take you on the path that is perfect for you and you alone.

I'm still learning to be tolerant. I have my good days and my bad days. Sometimes you all make me so frustrated!! Other days, I can see our unity, our common humanity, and I love you all to bits.

I'm so fickle, sigh...

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The Christian guide to loving gays

I just watched a video of an interview between Steve McVey and an "ex-gay" guy, Willy somebody...

It was really interesting, mostly because of Steve being a "hyper grace" teacher (of course there is no such thing as too much grace and I don't think Steve goes far enough at all, but that's another story).

The gist of Willy's testimony was basically, after being brought up a highly performance orientated christian, who's whole life and acceptance by God was based on how well he behaved, he discovered God's unconditional grace and love and it changed his life and filled him so full of love that he simply lost his need for romantic/sexual relationships with men and now only saw them as brothers. Indeed he now sees people as beyond male or female and loves the spirit.

Now that is something I totally agree with. We should be loving the spirit of every person equally no matter what their sexuality or gender. But there was one huge glaring hole in the interview that was neatly ignored (well a few actually...).

He never mentioned if he still found himself attracted to men at all, or if he was now attracted to women instead, and Steve neglected to ask this. But even more interesting is I can only assume he is now asexual! It seems he has completely decided to ignore and repress
something that is intrinsically part of every human. He (and many others like him) have decided that sex is simply an earthly worldly thing and ultimately, living in God's love exceeds that physical love in every way, thus making it sort of redundant.

I totally get that. I used to think that myself, and in some way still do. I think it really is a mark of spiritual growth to be able to see beyond the sexual.

BUT... God created us as physical sexual beings. We are intrinsically sexual and even the bible has lots of romantic/sexual imagery relating to our relationship to God and each other. Every culture holds romantic sex as something sacred that expresses deep spiritual truths and unites us in deep profound ways. To be asexual really is a rare "gift", if it can even be called a gift. Perhaps for some the journey to deeper spirituality can be hindered by earthly sexuality so they genuinely manage to leave it behind. But the longer I live, the more I see this as a very, very rare thing.

So basically the idea, according to Willy and Steve, is to be gracious and loving to those of us who embrace the sin so that eventually God's love will fill us to the point where we no longer desire it. We don't condone the sin/lifestyle but unconditionally love the person.

There were many comments on the video thread. Everybody had their opinions about how this worked, and of course there was always the assumption that being LGBT is a sin that must be treated like any other. There was even a long discussion by some people about "gayness" being a physical neurological condition, which medical science is supporting now, but then they assumed that it was a physical abnormality that needed healing like any other disease.

But it always comes back to the assumptions that any variation or departure from the "one man - one woman" doctrine is sin. The bible says so and that's it, end of story. That is the root of the issue for christians (and fundies of all persuasions). Its really pointless discussing anything outside of that premise.

The bible, no matter what we think of it, has been the source of more atrocities, hatred, bigotry and evil the world has ever seen. Sure, there are good things in it if you choose to see them (and many have and do), but we still just don't get it. We cannot "live by the bible", it doesn't work, because we will forever twist it to make it say what we want - always - and we are no better now than we were 1000 years ago. We can pull out the nice bits, but we can't even agree on what the nice bits are!!

So all these patronising christians saying we love our LGBT brothers and sisters, and we'll simply pour out God's love and let him sort out their sin - can take a running jump.

Being LGBT is not "sin". All that matters is that we live, with all we are and do, as love. If I have a loving caring relationship with another man, that brings the "fruit" of love to each of us, and everyone around us, then that's all that matters. If anything we do brings love, then keep doing it.

I challenge any christian to explain to me how having a loving, caring romantic/sexual relationship with someone of the same sex is wrong.

Well??

The Project!!

Most of you may have heard about my Silent Gays website and some of you may even be following the Silent Gays Facebook page - thanks so much if you are (*hugs*).

So its time to explain the big picture, because I'd love to have as many people on board as possible. I'm passionate about this and feel there is a huge need to be met! So here's the (drum roll):

Silent Gays Project (trumpets, applause, screaming adulation...)

The Silent Gays website is the central location for resources and general info. Silent Gays Facebook is where the action happens - the latest news, articles, inspiration etc.

Here's where it gets interesting - I want to facilitate and inspire "silent gays" everywhere to get together, to talk and love and support and inspire and cry and believe in each other and BE God's love to this world.

I've started a "secret" Facebook group (Gaylent Sighs) as a safe, private place for people to share their hearts in a loving and safe environment. Its also a place where people can organise small group get-togethers.

These groups will be around 6 people max, in "public" places - cafes, bars etc - so there is no hint of anything religious or "churchy" (home groups can be intimidating and triggering for a lot of people).
The basic premises for the groups are:

• The meetings are NOT to be counseling sessions. Everyone attending is on equal ground, the goal being to listen to each other’s hearts, discuss problems, share burdens and explore religious assumptions and paradigms that underlie the issues.
• Every person’s spiritual journey must be respected. The process of dismantling religion to find spiritual and personal integrity can be a long difficult process. The group’s purpose is to support each other on that journey while exploring and challenging traditions and religious assumptions.
• The Gaylent Sighs Facebook group is the central focus for meetings. People can look for others in their area in the group and discuss issues, share their concerns, ask for advice etc.
• This isn’t a dating service! Although relationships can start anywhere, we must be respectful of everyone’s emotional state and vulnerability.

My book, Its Life Jim... will be an integral part of the project as it will hopefully inspire people to be real, ask the hard questions and not be afraid of the answers.

Of course, I need MONEY to help it along, so I have a GoFundMe campaign set up raking in the filthy lucre for my spurious project. Please feel obliged to give me as much as you can!!

Seriously though, I do need some descent backing to get the marketing running on a serious level as well as enough to cover a first print run of books (around $1000 to kick off).

I'm so grateful to everyone who has supported and encouraged me this far. Lets get this thing on the road!!

God is my strength?

Heeeelp! Gurgle gurgle...

This is a statement that is common to just about all christians. When times get tough and we don't have the strength to carry on or are struggling, in some way, to meet the demands of life, we turn to God for strength, claiming that He IS our strength.

So what does that actually mean? It seems that most of us can give some bible verses to back it up, but really, what the heck does it actually mean, in practical, hands on reality?

In fact, it goes deeper than this.

I have many christian friends who have reached a crisis or are going through hard times in terms of trying to understand how God's "direction" and leading in life works - how he guides us through the crap, and what the heck is really going on.

There may well be two separate issues here - acquiring His strength, and living in His will - but I see some commonality. We are taught in the church, by traditional understandings and doctrines, that when good things happen we are blessed and when bad things happen, well, we aren't so blessed - perhaps even "out of God's will" (whatever that means) or are even under a curse! This complicates matters somewhat because if we ask for his strength to get through bad/dark times does that mean we can't expect help if we are being cursed or aren't "in His will" or have been particularly sinful?

Again, I'm sure we all know scriptures to throw at this dilemma, but they don't confront the actual reality. Shit happens, and we want help to understand it and get through it unscathed. We don't want to suffer and we don't want to be out of favour with God, just in case that's the cause of our suffering.

I hold the bible a lot more loosely these days, so even though I think its an amazing book and holds incredible life giving truths, it's inconceivable that it holds all truth for everyone ever created for all time. So I look for bigger answers - yes BIGGER. Bear with me.

If we take a step back and look at what people everywhere go through, its obvious that we all go through good times and crap no matter who we are or what we believe. There is no rhyme or reason to the distribution of good and bad no matter how we try to dress it up. It just plain happens.

Perhaps the issue then is not what happens, but what we do about it? The whole concept of being blessed by God is astoundingly simple minded (not the same as childlike) and flies in the face of everything around us. Its an attempt to live by legalistic formulas to make life tidy and predictable.

We claim God's strength, and then try to figure out what we are doing wrong so that we can adjust things, get out of the curses we bring on ourselves, and move into His blessings. Many of us turn ourselves inside out wondering what we've done wrong. Sure we know God is loving and faithful to forgive, but we get obsessed with the consequences of bad decisions, fearful that nothing will change or get better.

So in reality the picture is pretty bleak if we are honest within the limitations of traditional christian beliefs- we go through crap, looking for meaning, and wanting strength to carry on so we don't get into the crap again.

STOP THE CYCLE!

Back up! Like I said and we all really know - shit happens! It just does. "It rains on the just and the unjust". So when we pray for strength, what are we really wanting/needing?
LOVE! Doh!
We just want, and need, to be loved. If we experience love we can not only get through anything, but come out the other end better for it! Sure it may not make the situation any easier, but love changes US, not the situation (usually, sometimes it can change both).

To know we are loved in the worst of situations brings peace and reassurance. So when we cry out for Gods strength we are crying out for love.

Million dollar question!! - how do we get this love??

Its already here. God is one with us, intrinsically part of us in every way, holding us together. He is the love that unites and binds all energy and life. He IS. We have all we need and will ever get - every single person ever created is part of God whether we know it or not. And that's the problem - knowing it.

We must repent, (oh ye sinners! lol!) because repenting simply means changing your mind, no great self abasement (although you can feel remorse if you want, sometimes that's a good thing).
So we change our minds about being one with love.
We change our minds about anything to do with blessings and curses, about being in His will, or being sinful. We change our minds about God dishing out blessings for random reasons.
We change our minds about God being external to us in any way.
We change our minds about who we actually are.
We change our minds about struggling to be anointed and holy.
In fact, we change our minds regarding just about all doctrines that man has invented.

We, and God, are one. That's it. Everything we do is "his will" because we are one.
We are loved, because He is love, and we are one.
We ARE a little piece of God - it can be no other way. Am I saying we are God? Gasp!!!!
In a way, yes! God is all in all. We are part of "all", we are part of God.

Back to the topic.

The strength we need is US! Its in us already. We are part of the strength. We are part of the solution. God doesn't arbitrarily help some and not others based on how much they cry out and sweat and struggle. We are it. We are love. We are one.

Repent - change your mind!

Loving Jesus is so gay!

So we all know Jesus said absolutely nothing about homosexuality (although there is the possibility he was endorsing it with the healing of the centurion's slave and his references to eunuchs - but that's another issue).

I'm wondering about Jesus being the object of our love, our passion. We are encouraged to fall in love with him and there are even sexual overtones to the relationship when we look at the metaphor of the Song of Solomon.

These are traditional christian doctrines, in fact doctrine isn't really the right word. Its a natural reaction to how we perceive his love for us. In fact its the emotion of love directed at God.

This is very real for most christians and extreme in many cases. And its sexless. Well, that's interesting, because I know many guys get a bit creeped out by the concept of falling in love with a another guy. I mean, Jesus is absolutely male, and yet christianity's central beliefs will have us falling in love with him, or at least professing that love. You only have to listen to most of the songs in church these days. There's no beating around the bush with them.

Its just so gay! Oh, well, maybe its sexless rather than gay, but Jesus is NEVER portrayed as anything other than male. So women tend to be more emotionally involved with Jesus, and some guys are just fine and don't think twice about it, and some just don't want to go there.

Sure, there's lots of theology you can throw at it, but we are talking about something pretty basic here. We are so conditioned to just accept this that to question it sounds like you are a pervert or something.

Its just interesting isn't it.

Why Christianity "Works", sort of, or at least should...

Jesus apparently said he came for the sick, not the "well" - its only the broken who need mending, the lost that must be found.

So many people at some stage in their life journey, come to the point where they can't find the inner self, the peace, strength, love, joy, to carry on. They discover they are broken and have no way of fixing themselves.

Jesus provides an external reference - a relational, personally identifiable representation of all that is lacking in themselves, and so much more. He is everything we could want to be, all we aspire to.

He provides support and boundaries, love and a sense of "it will all work out ok".

We all need this at some point, and Christianity, in its purest form, meets this need. When we look at the broken (myself included) who have benefited the most from this religion, its simply because they have bypassed the doctrines and theologies of the church, and rested in God's love, stripped of performance, guilt and shame.

But its still part of the journey. Many just rest in this place, and that's ok, but its still the very beginning of the journey. The simplicity and depth of that unconditional love starts to open us up, free from the confines of biblical traditions and religious bondage and manipulation, free to explore the depths of who we are and who God is. He has given us the steps to growth, and the minds and hearts to explore everything that we can conceive.

Nothing can separate us from God because we are part of him and he is part of us. He is intrinsically part of all matter and energy, the source behind and in all that exists. We cannot be "separated" because its physically impossible.

In that simple and secure knowledge we can open our hearts and minds to explore, to look for him in everything - in every way - in whatever manner we choose. Our foundation is secure. When we rest in the unity/union of all things, there is only love - which is the energy that binds everything together.

When we live loved, we can do no wrong, we are no longer part of the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" - we are simply love.

So pure Christianity - the basic concept that Jesus is someone far greater than us who can override our hurt and pain, our '"sin" and evil - works because it provides the first step in healing and wholeness. When the religion is removed from Jesus (the traditions, conflicting doctrines, dogmas, bigotry, bibliolatry etc), we see a brother who leads us into a path of self discovery, to show us that "we are one, just as he and the father are one" - one of the most extraordinary statements he made. He, and God, and us, are one. Not similar, not greater or lesser, ONE.

Christianity should be leading us to much higher/deeper/broader places. Places of fearless exploration, recognising God in everything and everyone, cutting through thick layers of paradigms to reveal pure, unconditional love.

Doctrines don't matter. Was he God incarnate? Born of a virgin? Died for sin in our place? Resurrected from the dead? Who knows!! And really, if we make these doctrines the "make or break" for our eternal security, we have completely and utterly missed the point. You can believe them if you want, if they help you find the peace and security you need to grow. But they are a simple starting point, and just one option on the way.

God is so much bigger, so much better, so much more than any one religion can contain.

Live loved!

I'm a snob

Interesting thoughts that I'm not sure how to present without sounding horribly pretentious and basically up myself. Its very self disclosing and something I'm still processing, even after all these years. Never the less, here it is.

I live and associate within a certain class of peers, those that I perceive as my equals in terms of intelligence, integrity, passions and beliefs.

We all do that, its just what we do as humans. But here's where I simply don't know what to do. In reality, there are "unintelligent" people - those who either don't, won't or can't extend their mental faculties to rational thinking. That's not to say we don't all have our moments (and very big moments) of irrationality and complete idiocy, but there are those who simply seem to lack the ability to be self observant. They can't (to varying degrees) step "outside" their thought processes enough to build real depth of relationship, compassion, empathy and understanding.

On the one level you have the "redneck" mentality that reeks of unbridled bigotry and ignorance at its best. Then you have those who use things like religion to hide behind, and express their opinions and observations in the name of that religion, all with a similar ignorance that is in the category of "don't won't or can't" think for themselves with any level of integrity. Politics is another haven for the ignorant to hide behind.

I would like to assume I'm intelligent, in that I'm capably of thinking reasonably rationally, own my thoughts, have integrity, compassion and the ability and desire to want to understand others. There are many others who I consider far more intelligent in those terms than myself, but I still have a tendency to group myself with the more elite "thinkers" - those who take the time to ponder deeper things, to question, to see beyond the surface images, to challenge the status quo.

I struggle to simply accept that much of the world doesn't have the same abilities. I can't help but be a snob in some ways, because I really do see things differently and take the time to question myself and all around me.

But at the same time I really do have a love and compassion for everyone (mostly, lol), seeing them as struggling with the same things I do, the same life problems. We are all equal, under the same rain that falls on the just and the unjust.

I feel really frustrated that so many people don't seem to understand the most basic concepts of living - relationships, empathy, even common sense. So does this make me better, smarter, blessed or cursed?

I know there are many who feel the same, and many who think they are the same but simply parrot things that sound intelligent (that could be me half the time!). Some times I give up trying to communicate because of the apparent inability of the other to be objective and rational enough.

There are however, very "simple" people, who have an incredible sincerity and integrity, accept their own limitations and extend so much love and compassion that its embarrassing to the rest of us, wherever we are at! But I'm not like that.

I'm not like a redneck. I'm not a mindless consumer. I'm not a sheep. I'm a rebellious thinker. And often it feels like a curse, when it makes me proud and look down on others, and other times a burden of responsibility. Sometimes it would be good to not have to think, but its just who I am. Can't change it - can't stop thinking, observing, pondering.

And worst of all, it feels incredibly arrogant, demeaning and patronising to even express these thoughts! But there it is, now you know!!

Father vs Lover

This is a tricky subject, and can't say I've ever quite got to the bottom of it. Since letting go of religion and the obsession of assuming the bible is the answer to everything, I've come to some interesting conclusions that work for me - so far!

The concept of God as our father is well grounded in scripture, particularly by Jesus. There's no disputing the image of a perfect father who loves us unconditionally, and will bring every person to the knowledge of their completion in him.

But there is also the concept of God as a lover woven through scripture as well. It's more subtle but is intrinsic to the concept of the "bride of Christ".

These days I don't quote verses to prove a point. I might dig around to get a feel for a subject, but Christ in me is my guide. So here's the thing that has gurgled around the back of my brain for some time. A perfect father is awesome, can't argue with that so I'm not dissing that aspect of God at all. But I am taking it a step further.

I think the idea of the Bride hints at a level of union and oneness with God that goes way beyond any Father/child relationship. Our personal romantic relationships go way deeper than parental ones. There is a softness, romance, mutual adoration and intimacy that supersedes all other relationships. We leave our parental relationships to unite with another person in way that is impossible with our parents.

Even though Jesus talked about his father, and there are things like the prodigal son, which are beautiful metaphors, he hinted at something deeper many times as well - the father and I are one etc.

Paul and John talked a lot more about an intimacy that you would never describe as fatherly. In fact, father implies separation - sure, a loving father who is besotted with his children, but never the less, separate.

Now that we are one with God in every sense, that father/mother model has been outgrown. We are now old enough, as it were, to be lovers. To enter a whole new realm of love. A unity and oneness with all he is and all he has created (and expressed toward each other) that surpasses the need for the type self deprecation we associate with an authority figure (no matter how benign they may be).

The implications of this have been creeping up on me and creating a whole new sense of who God is and how I was created to relate to him. We are equals!! Of course, he is completely "omni" everything and I'm not like him in that sense, but he wants me as an equal, like a lover, no secrets, everything shared, neither lording it over the other. Just a beautiful oneness built on God's initiated passion that has drawn me into his arms.

Dare I also suggest that this surpasses all concepts of gender, God being completely female and completely male, thus completing us on every level no matter what our gender/sexuality is (although this is another huge topic!).

Perhaps the whole concept of lover is really what Jesus meant by "sending the Holy Spirit to live in us". There is a huge realm opening up for me that transcends culture/religion/scripture/tradition and all the bondage those things create, and frees me to to embrace Holy Spirit.

I've always thought that addressing God as Father just never really expressed it right. I'd try Jesus or Spirit or Lord or whatever, but nothing does the job. I'm tempted to call him Lover! No more "Father God I beseech you to pour out your blessings, blah, blah". Now its just "Hey Lover, what are you doing, can I help, or do you just want to hang out, maybe we could make love!!"