Tuesday, 12 July 2016

I'm Angry

I'm struggling with anger.

If you are familiar with my journey, it may come as no surprise.

Here's some of what I'm angry about:
  1. Having to hide who I really was all my life - conform to a heterosexual norm
  2. Having to use every ounce of emotional energy I had to appear "normal" at the cost of everything else in my life
  3. The journey through christianity in the hope that it would "cure" me
  4. Investing 45 years of my life into a belief system that brought nothing but shame and guilt
  5. Realising that same belief system is nothing more than a man made set of doctrines
  6. Realising I've been manipulated and controlled by a religious system that did the exact opposite of what it claimed - and being completely blind to it all my life
  7. Deprived of ever having experienced a real mutually loving romantic relationship for 45 years
  8. Seeing the same belief system cause untold pain and suffering in millions of others
And that's not the half of it!

I thought over the last 5 years I've been sorting it all out pretty well, and on a intellectual level I certainly have. Even emotionally I've processed a lot of stuff. But lately I've discovered the anger is deeper than I thought. It's that incessant feeling of "I've been ripped off all my life and it's too late to do anything about it".

Of course I know all the valuable lessons I've learned, all the clich├ęs, platitudes and truisms, and intellectually I can reassure myself that it was worth it all. But I've unconsciously tried to suppress the anger - and even thought it was done and dusted and I could move on to a better life.

Nooo, I was deceived! As I research more about religion and its impact on not only LGBT people but humanity in general, I feel an anger, and a repulsion towards christianity (and ALL religions) in a way that's hard to describe.

Sure, I know there are millions of good loving people who bring their own love into a doctrinally bankrupt belief system and turn it around for good. But I'm still angry at the whole thing. I never want to set foot in a church again.

Yes, my understanding of spirituality is now so much bigger and all embracing and loving than I ever would have thought possible.

But I'm still angry - deep down angry. And I think that's ok. If I suppress it I'm really doing the same thing religion always wanted me to do. If I explode with it all, I risk damaging others. So I'm learning to express it, being aware that others could get hurt, but also aware that in sharing my hurt and anger, others will realise that they too have lived lives of abuse and deception that need to be opened up and drained like an infected wound.

Being "real" is something very few of us are good at. It's scary - to ourselves and everyone else. But I'm beginning to think that the world will be a far better place when we all understand what being real actually is, and we can do it "safely". (and that's a whole other blog).

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

5 Years On

It was 5 years ago today that Min died.

For those who haven't read my book or aren't familiar with the story, my wife, Melinda, died of cancer, nearly two years after her diagnosis. It left my son and I deeply affected in many ways.

Today we finally took her ashes to her favourite beach. It's taken a while for both of us to feel comfortable enough to do this. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but of course the memories all come back and I could see my son suppressing his feelings as only 22 year old guys can!

So in a sense I'm finally free from that part of my life - that whole era where religion reigned supreme. Where we struggled to make sense of our christian paradigms. Where we never spoke of the "elephant in the room" of our sexuality - at least not in any sort of reality. We were both victims of ex-gay therapy and the delusions of religion.

We both battled with our faith over those 2 years, as we sought greater anointings, deeper relationship with God, greater faith in Jesus and God's desire to heal. We fought hard and faithfully.

In the end Min just resigned to the fact that she really had no idea how this God thing worked, and I began my journey of deconstruction.

But meanwhile, life goes on. I believe her consciousness has passed on to a different realm of awareness. I have no idea what that looks like, apart from a few smatterings of stories we get from NDEs, and even then we have no real idea. But every soul has this sense that we are bigger than this flesh we inhabit.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Relationships With No Agenda

This is a great comment on love relationships. So simple and yet deeply profound, and more difficult to live than we would care to believe.
Full article here...