If you are familiar with my journey, it may come as no surprise.
Here's some of what I'm angry about:
- Having to hide who I really was all my life - conform to a heterosexual norm
- Having to use every ounce of emotional energy I had to appear "normal" at the cost of everything else in my life
- The journey through christianity in the hope that it would "cure" me
- Investing 45 years of my life into a belief system that brought nothing but shame and guilt
- Realising that same belief system is nothing more than a man made set of doctrines
- Realising I've been manipulated and controlled by a religious system that did the exact opposite of what it claimed - and being completely blind to it all my life
- Deprived of ever having experienced a real mutually loving romantic relationship for 45 years
- Seeing the same belief system cause untold pain and suffering in millions of others
I thought over the last 5 years I've been sorting it all out pretty well, and on a intellectual level I certainly have. Even emotionally I've processed a lot of stuff. But lately I've discovered the anger is deeper than I thought. It's that incessant feeling of "I've been ripped off all my life and it's too late to do anything about it".
Of course I know all the valuable lessons I've learned, all the clichés, platitudes and truisms, and intellectually I can reassure myself that it was worth it all. But I've unconsciously tried to suppress the anger - and even thought it was done and dusted and I could move on to a better life.
Nooo, I was deceived! As I research more about religion and its impact on not only LGBT people but humanity in general, I feel an anger, and a repulsion towards christianity (and ALL religions) in a way that's hard to describe.
Sure, I know there are millions of good loving people who bring their own love into a doctrinally bankrupt belief system and turn it around for good. But I'm still angry at the whole thing. I never want to set foot in a church again.
Yes, my understanding of spirituality is now so much bigger and all embracing and loving than I ever would have thought possible.
But I'm still angry - deep down angry. And I think that's ok. If I suppress it I'm really doing the same thing religion always wanted me to do. If I explode with it all, I risk damaging others. So I'm learning to express it, being aware that others could get hurt, but also aware that in sharing my hurt and anger, others will realise that they too have lived lives of abuse and deception that need to be opened up and drained like an infected wound.
Being "real" is something very few of us are good at. It's scary - to ourselves and everyone else. But I'm beginning to think that the world will be a far better place when we all understand what being real actually is, and we can do it "safely". (and that's a whole other blog).