I'm Angry

I'm struggling with anger.

If you are familiar with my journey, it may come as no surprise.

Here's some of what I'm angry about:

1. Having to hide who I really was all my life - conform to a heterosexual norm
2. Having to use every ounce of emotional energy I had to appear "normal" at the cost of everything else in my life
3. The journey through christianity in the hope that it would "cure" me
4. Investing 45 years of my life into a belief system that brought nothing but shame and guilt
5. Realising that same belief system is nothing more than a man made set of doctrines
6. Realising I've been manipulated and controlled by a religious system that did the exact opposite of what it claimed - and being completely blind to it all my life
7. Deprived of ever having experienced a real mutually loving romantic relationship for 45 years
8. Seeing the same belief system cause untold pain and suffering in millions of others

And that's not the half of it!


I thought over the last 5 years I've been sorting it all out pretty well, and on a intellectual level I certainly have. Even emotionally I've processed a lot of stuff. But lately I've discovered the anger is deeper than I thought. It's that incessant feeling of "I've been ripped off all my life and it's too late to do anything about it".

Of course I know all the valuable lessons I've learned, all the clichés, platitudes and truisms, and intellectually I can reassure myself that it was worth it all. But I've unconsciously tried to suppress the anger - and even thought it was done and dusted and I could move on to a better life.

Nooo, I was deceived! As I research more about religion and its impact on not only LGBT people but humanity in general, I feel an anger, and a repulsion towards christianity (and ALL religions) in a way that's hard to describe.

Sure, I know there are millions of good loving people who bring their own love into a doctrinally bankrupt belief system and turn it around for good. But I'm still angry at the whole thing. I never want to set foot in a church again.

Yes, my understanding of spirituality is now so much bigger and all embracing and loving than I ever would have thought possible.

But I'm still angry - deep down angry. And I think that's ok. If I suppress it I'm really doing the same thing religion always wanted me to do. If I explode with it all, I risk damaging others. So I'm learning to express it, being aware that others could get hurt, but also aware that in sharing my hurt and anger, others will realise that they too have lived lives of abuse and deception that need to be opened up and drained like an infected wound.

Being "real" is something very few of us are good at. It's scary - to ourselves and everyone else. But I'm beginning to think that the world will be a far better place when we all understand what being real actually is, and we can do it "safely". (and that's a whole other blog).

Is Christianity "evil"?

Define "evil" Jim...
There are lots of definitions we could probably agree with, but I choose something simple:

Evil is the lack of, or non-application of love.

So, why do I think ALL religion is evil?

For that I'd have to define love, and again, to keep it simple:

Love is the unconditional acceptance of a person's unique worth (including our own), without judgement or conditions.

ALL religions fail on the definition of love. Many blatantly, such as fundamentalist Islam and Christianity. But many on a far more subtle level, such as the rest of christianity. I'll stick to Christianity because it's the religion I'm very well versed in.

By it's very nature - it's foundational doctrines that define the essence of christian beliefs - Christianity is judgemental and conditional. Consider the following:

• Everyone is unacceptable to God from birth (yes some are changing their theology around this)
• God cannot accept anyone without them having "faith" in Jesus
• Non-christians are rejected by God
• When you become a christian you must change to be acceptable to God (this is still implied even in the most liberal doctrines)
• Christians can extend loving actions and attitudes to un-saved people, but they are still excluded from God simply by being human.
• Christians are told to judge others, to separate themselves from the ungodly (this is changing in more liberal circles)
• They "love" others with the sole purpose of getting them "saved"

I could go on.

This is not love. In fact it's the opposite, it's evil. Even by the bible's own definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13, most christians don't have a clue what love really is.

I know there are many of my christian friends who do genuinely feel empathy and compassion without judgement for a lot of people, but when I think of myself and so many others, we always had an agenda. We didn't love people simply because they were human beings worthy of love. That agenda was deeply ingrained and coloured every thought and action.

Christianity is starting to evolve thank God (irony intended). Many are recognising this glaring paradox and adjusting their theology and doctrines. But that in itself raises bigger questions about the foundations of the faith in the first place.

So back to my premise...

Christians aren't evil people, but the foundational doctrines and theology are! The bible is not a book of love, despite the odd gem. It's a book of conditions and control, of subtle and blatant abuse, of ancient cultural bigotry and primitive uneducated mindsets, lacking the combined wisdom of 2000 years of moral/social/philosophical evolution.

We are now, as a species, far more moral than the God of the bible. Christianity keeps trying to pull us back to that ancient mindset, creating the exact opposite of what this world needs to grow.

But I understand the attraction of Christianity. I really do! I'm not dissing the people, I'm encouraging us to open our eyes to the lies we are deceiving ourselves with. Perhaps we need to see that our beliefs may have served a primitive bunch of Jews, but that they are utterly irrelevant now, to the point of being destructive and yes, evil.

Having said all that, I'm not saying Christians are evil people. But I am saying their whole foundation for love is screwed.

Our lovingly evil god

The last few years have seen me become more and more ruthless with my attacks on Christianity.

Many people say I've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Others think I've just become bitter and hopefully, one day I'll see that my bad experiences have taken me this way, and that God really is as loving as many believe. Some understand the depth of what I've battled with, some say I'm just deceived and have become a tool of the "enemy".

I've posted many blogs about this, so I thought it was time for one more, lol.

The "grace" message that so many now preach was a huge step for me. The idea that God indeed absolutely and unconditionally loves everyone was mind-blowing. The doctrines of the "finished work of Jesus and the cross" finally made so much make sense.

...sort of...

The problem however was the brain teasing, mind twisting doctrinal re-arranging we have to do to get the bible to make any real sense. The proponents of Grace can back their doctrines with solid scriptures, but like it or not, it's at the cost of others.

I still, in all honesty, couldn't reconcile the character of God, as represented throughout the entire bible, as being a truly loving God. I studied and read so many books. I prayed and meditated on it, even did 2 years bible college. But ultimately I had to admit that the God of the bible is an asshole. In fact, far worse than that. To accept that the bible gives us the entire picture of a never changing, omniscient, omni-everything God forces us to accept the horrors that he inflicted as well as the supposed good. The God of the Old Testament was a monster - no better than the gods of the surrounding heathen nations, and probably more arrogant and exclusive.

The god of the New Testament seems a lot more loving and forgiving, but it doesn't take much to see that no matter how good we spin the doctrines, he's still an asshole.

He's exclusive, demanding and judgemental, unless we choose to love him. It's that simple. And yes, I know every argument and doctrine in the book for both sides. I've been doing this for over 40 years and believe me, I've yet to hear anything new that would convince me otherwise. Every single comment I get when I say stuff like this, I could have written myself! I just get never ending clichés and more scripture quoting, or insane circular logic - you name it!

The problem however is that so many genuine loving and passionate people fail to see the glaring absurdities - like I did for most of my life!

Sure we can believe whatever we want, not a problem. But what is the fruit of our beliefs? What is the basis of our beliefs? Are we believing something that is actually far more damaging than we could possibly imagine, and yet only see it as good and loving? Are we blind to the centuries of horror this religion has caused? Or are we happy to just say we are the generation that finally understands it all?

The god of the bible is horrific, as are the gods of so many other religions, most of them in fact - simply because we love to create gods in our own image - we just can't help ourselves!

I know I'll get the usual responses from this, but that's ok. If just one person stops to really ponder what the hell they actually believe and why, then this world could become a better place. So believe in whatever god you want - but do so with the most integrity and honesty you can possibly muster, and above all, don't be an asshole like the god of religion.

(I'll be writing more about the deeply damaging aspects of christianity and religion in general, and much of it will be in my next book - which is taking far too long to get into!)

I was a chronic liar

Lying.

We hate liars. We are taught from day one that its absolutely wrong to lie, and when we catch people lying it destroys trust and credibility.

But we all tell little lies every so often. We twist the truth a little, tell "white lies", you know the story. It's even justifiable if the truth could do more damage than a careful lie!

But I lied all my life. I lied about who I was. I lied to myself every day. I lied to my family and friends. I lied to everyone.

I felt like I had no choice, but it ate me up from the inside out. "Coming out" as gay was inconceivable. Confiding in friends wasn't even an option - even those who I had some sort of "same sex" relationship with wouldn't talk about it. We just "did it". We had to lie.

Lying is so incredibly destructive. Obviously to those around us, but even more so to ourselves. It causes us to slowly build a false reality, a dual reality. It splits us, creating cognitive dissonance. It begins the process of mental illness and for some this can end in death.

I lied to my wife (both of them). I lied to my family. It was the only thing I could do to survive. But it nearly killed me.

This is why personal integrity is so important to me now. I ached to be "integral" all my life. You can't imagine what a relief it is to have nothing to hide any more!

When I say I'm free, I really mean I'm finally living whole and with integrity. I am who I am, open and transparent. Perhaps too open sometimes, but I don't care. It's such a massive relief to tell the world that I no longer have anything to hide. I'm not lying to you any more! No more skeletons in the closet. No more fear. No more self hatred.

I'm free! Yeah, it's all relative, and I know there are still many parts of my identity and "being" I don't understand. I'm still influenced by the deep scars of the lies, and my emotions betray that far too often. But I'm free of the need to lie - about anything actually.

Life is good!!

Arrogant Christianity?

A few people think I'm attacking christianity a bit too much, and proclaim the whole "we're not all like that" thing.

I understand that.

Many christians are very loving genuine people, and can clearly see the horrors of "religion" and the general hypocrisy of the church. These folks exercise their faith in unconditional love without any other motives. They simply love and care because that's who they are.

But I'm talking about the foundations of Christianity itself - about what the real message is and how most christians live, without even realising it.

At it's very core, Christianity says "we have the ultimate truth". By its very nature it declares that God revealed himself only through the Jews and Jesus to the entirety of mankind. It boldly declares Jesus to be the all in all - the beginning and the end - before the foundations of time, and the one who will bring the current world to an end.

It states unequivocally that we are born corrupt and hopelessly separated from God without the saving work of Jesus.

It declares, without hesitation, that only through Jesus can true love be found, and that mankind can be saved and united. It proudly states that all else is a counterfeit and deception at best, to blatant demonic lies at worst, spread to deceive mankind.


It teaches that our motivation should be to "save the lost", that our acts of love and care should be with the express purpose of bringing everyone to Jesus so they will be accepted and make it into eternal glory.

It even proudly cries that we can only become humble by denouncing our humanity and bowing in humble subservience to God.

But it is nothing more than absolute pride and arrogance. It's the antithesis of real love. It assumes that without Jesus humanity can never experience or express true love. And yet more atheists live a far more genuine life of unconditional love than most christians. They know what it is to give without an agenda - to see the beauty in the hearts of every person, to live with real compassion and empathy.

Yes, other religions also suffer from the same thing, but I can only speak from my 40+ years as a devout christian with any authority.

It has attempted to convince the world on a massive scale over two millennia (by whatever means it can) - that it alone has "the truth".

It doesn't get more arrogant than that.

What to do about terror: Part 2

After my last blog I found that there is a very clear division between those who think that aggressive action is the only solution and those who think love is the only way forward.

The aggressive/pro-active side regard the love side as unrealistic dreamers at best, and at worst, welcoming the destruction of free, democratic society.

As I outlined in my last blog, I totally understand the pro-active aggressive stance, and acknowledge it's short term effectiveness.

Here's where I will challenge that, however, with every bit of energy I have. Violence ALWAYS breads violence. You cannot achieve peace with violence - ever. The peace that may be attained is only transitory, and history has proven this over and over and over.

The hippie movement slogan of "give peace a chance" was never accepted. Peace has never been given a chance. They said "love is all you need", but no one actually took the time to figure out how to love.

The hippies were prophets! They saw a power that could truly transform humanity but lacked the maturity to implement it. Many are now seeing this as the greatest truth that mankind can ever embrace. More powerful than any weapon of mass destruction. More life changing than any political system.

Love is the key. But so many fail to understand what love is and how to implement it in practical ways.

What is the one thing that every human being needs more than anything else? What is essential to the growth of every single child? What do we crave at the deepest possible level, even if we can't voice it or understand it?

LOVE!

Every terrorist, every "evil" person, everyone who inflicts acts of abuse, destruction and hate is lacking the experience of love! I think everyone would agree with that, but far too many say "so what!, we need to stop them and aggressive force and violence is the only way".

But here's the crunch - we've never actually tried to give them the love they so desperately need. We can do this on two levels - as nations and communities, and personally.

But this would involve humility. It would involve compassion and empathy - concepts that many of us refuse to exercise, simply because it requires us to put aside our agendas and actually listen to other people.

What would happen if we went to ISIS and all the other terrorists, with no agenda other than seeking to understand? What would happen if we were ready to accept the possibility that they may have genuine grievances against the west - that we actually had completely misunderstood them and they had genuine reason to hate us?

What if we recognised that they are reacting out of anger? That they are lost and broken, afraid and confused, that they can't see beyond their paradigms any better than we can?

If we take the lead, and extend the compassion, understanding and love they so desperately need would they act differently? Do WE have the guts to say "sorry, we haven't listened to you"? Can we honestly say "I understand why you are angry and view us as the enemy"?

It's time to get real. It's time to grow some balls and stop thinking like 5 year olds fighting over a toy. It's time to stop reacting. It's time to actually BE the mature people we claim to be. It's time to ignore the political agendas and talk heart to heart!

Love IS the most powerful thing in the universe, and when we realise that, everything will be different!

Do I hate Christianity?: Part 3

I've been pretty harsh so far about christianity.

I've been honest, with myself, and also wanting to validate the pain and abuse countless millions have suffered at the hands of this religious system for centuries. It completely screwed my own life up, so yeah, there's still some anger there about even the most foundational beliefs, and especially how those beliefs are implemented.

Of course I know all the "correct" theological answers to my own complaints. I could argue against my own arguments quite convincingly!

I blogged recently about Brian McLaren's "levels of faith" and have spent some time looking at my own journey through this. Although I still have a lot of anger towards christianity to work through I am genuinely feeling a great love and patience towards those who fully embrace it's central doctrines.

As I read, meditate, explore and discuss all this stuff I find the paradox gets more extreme - I can completely understand why so many love christianity and find life and peace there, living out a "personal relationship" with God through Jesus (it's what I did for 45 years!) - but I can also see massive failings, delusions and escapism that all religions have at their core.

To even suggest to a passionate christian who has experienced deep intimacy with Christ, that what they believe is just one small subjective experience of an infinitely greater spirituality is nothing short of heresy and blasphemy!

To suggest that the whole concept of the christian god (or any god) is nothing more than a man made religious construct is to invite absolute disdain and contempt at best, and having your name added to a prayer chain at worst.

However, to see each other's spirituality as a completely unique experience, and to honour each others journey, is the best thing we can do. It frees each other to explore and grow.

The other day I was confronted by someone who was posting fundamentalist vitriol about various topics, and displaying the lack of compassion and "christ-likeness", shallow thinking and exclusivism that you'd expect. I found myself in a dilemma. Do I just treat them with forgiving grace and accept that that's just where they are at, or confront them in some way. I chose the latter, and was accused of not extending the love I preach. So there you go!

Still, I had to make the decision that although they were speaking out of ignorance, the things they were saying were destructive and damaging to many on a very personal level, and although there was nothing I could say that would convince them of that, by publicly challenging their views in a way that left no doubt about the damage they cause, I had actually acted in a far greater love than appeasing an individual's emotions.

Perhaps this is what Jesus had in mind when he ripped the Pharisees to shreds.

So do I hate christianity? That's still a question I won't directly answer.

I hate religion in all its forms. I hate anything that separates and excludes. I hate anything that even vaguely promotes bigotry. I hate anything that says we are filthy sinners worthy of death who's only hope is the vicarious sacrifice of a man/god.

But I love anything that brings out our inherent beauty. I love anything that unconditionally loves us as we are. I love anything that builds unity. I love anything that speaks life and empowers people to be their unique selves expressed through love.

If christianity can do that, then I'm good to go. If it doesn't, then I'll expose it for the lie that it is. I'm sure I'll keep changing though, I know I am! Even the last few weeks have seen my heart shifting in many ways - letting go of a lot of stuff, seeing the deep levels of abuse that my spirit/heart received and it's effect on my life - allowing myself to feel things I'd always repressed, and also allowing them to be at rest, to be touchstones of empathy.

Living Loved is hard and wonderful, painful and joyful!

If it feels good...

A friend commented about the two extremes we tend to adopt:

1. If it feels good - do it
2. Our feelings are completely unreliable and we must live by external guidelines

Society tends to regard 2 as the best option, and religion in particular, declares that we are, at our very core, unreliable, deceived, incapable of making good choices, incapable of real love, and that we must have external guidelines by way of laws - either legal or religious - that govern our behaviour.

Christianity, although declaring we are freed from law and it's burden by Jesus, still states very clearly that it's only by having the Holy Spirit in us that we can ever hope to make good, life giving decisions. But that's still relying on an external source, and the end goal is to prove/demonstrate our "goodness" by living to the laws laid out in the bible, and the Holy Spirit gives us the power to do this.

I've found, however, that those who begin to understand who they really are, who we ALL are, see life very differently.

As we see that our intrinsic value isn't based on approval by others, adherence to "laws", performance based on assumptions etc, but is based on the fact that we are all equal humans, who are created in, by and for love, the need for external laws and rules fades.

We no longer need to think in those terms, simply because all that we do reflects our own self worth. We see ourselves in others and want to draw that worth out of them. We act with empathy in all we do, because we know that love is the only universal constant that transcends all other systems of belief.

My friend said he now pretty much lives by the first statement. And I agree, because I'm starting to understand that I really can trust myself - my deepest self. I am love. Love feels good. I trust that love. 

We can say that we deceive ourselves, but what is the basis for that statement? Could it be that we have desperately tried to apply external rules, in the belief that without them we are evil to the core. We have been taught this for so long that we believe it without question. In fact, to question it only "proves" that we are just self seeking, hedonists

But as we gradually let ourselves see our essential worth, love becomes the prime motivation. Not performance based conditional love (which isn't love anyway), but a simple powerful love that genuinely wants nothing more than to
nurture, respect, unconditionally accept itself in all people and all things, especially and foremost, in ourselves.

This is nothing new. It's not some hippy drug induced dream, or "new age" escapism. It's the deepest truth that has wound it's way through human history. We all know it deep down, if we dig deep enough, it's there.

We ARE love, and when that revelation becomes "conscious" we can simply do whatever we want because it feels good.

Will we make mistakes? Of course! But those mistakes will help us to see deeper. It inspires greater empathy and compassion as our "unloving" ways are exposed. We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Live loved!

Do I hate christianity: Part 2

I struggle with a lot of stuff about christianity, as you probably know by now!

I think most of the fundamental doctrines are inherently flawed - but I'll leave that for another day.

Here's something that most of us can relate to in one way or another. We either love Hillsong, and all the other churches like this, or we hate them. I don't know many in between strangely. I guess they are out there somewhere.

This video is self explanatory of course, and I was involved with this type of christianity most of my life.

It's a cult.

All you have to do is read the gospels, then look at this to realise that.

I'll say it again - it's a cult. There is nothing about this Jesus would approve of (assuming you even believe what is written about him anyway)

I've seen countless lives absolutely ruined - spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and financially by these cults. I would go so far as to say they are "evil" in that they do not bring any benefit to the rest of humanity, and in fact actively cause hate and division.

"But Jim, these are good honest people and most would be sincere and loving!"
Yes, absolutely. They are good honest people, sucked into a massive delusion that only benefits the elite by bleeding the sheep of all self worth, independence, empathy, money... shutting down the ability to love unconditionally, inspiring judgement and exclusivity. I used to be able to think of good points, but I can't any more. Not one.

The methods of control and manipulation are totally abusive, causing very deep damage. There's even a name for it now - Religious Trauma Syndrome

I guess this is another negative post, damn it! But in all this I'm saying that this is NOT love, this is a counterfeit. Real love, real life doesn't look anything like this - never has. Look for the real deal - it's out there, well actually, its IN us just waiting to be found!

So anyway - enjoy the video - or not.

Being negative

I get a few comments about being too negative. That I shouldn't tear down religious views and focus on the negative things. That I should show the overwhelming power of love, and draw people to truth through that alone.

In many ways, I think that's true. I would love to just get on with life, living out my belief that love wins - always!

I do try to make love the end goal of all I do and say. But I guess I'm not at the point where I can drop everything and just do that.

The reasons are perhaps complex, but I'm trying to work through them. The main thing that motivates my observations on religion is it's inherent destructiveness. Sure, there are some good things in the mix, but most of the foundations of religion (not just christian) are completely against everything humanity needs to function as a holistic, united and loving society. Religion divides - always.

I simply don't think it's loving to NOT help people understand the nature of their paradigms, to avoid wrestling with the inherent faults of their belief systems, to deny their God given intellect and reason. I want to inspire people to challenge the status quo and explore their own unique spirituality.

There are many beautiful and loving christians (and other religions too) who see past the poisonous doctrines and walk in the simplicity of love. But the majority are happy to embrace the lies and deceptions, call them truth, and then call the rest of the world heathens - who can only be accepted by God if they believe exactly as they do.

What I feel compelled to do these days, is to dismantle/de-construct christianity (and I'd do the same to all religions if I was an expert on any others, lol) - to expose the logical fallacies; the glaring inconsistencies; the historical, cultural and social ignorance we display of the biblical times and paradigms; to show what a complete farce it is and just how deceived we can become.

Perhaps it's all still too fresh in my mind. Perhaps I still have an axe to grind for the abuse LGBT people suffer at the hands of christians. Perhaps I resent the fact that I struggled so hard to make this religion work. But if I can help others through the same struggles; give them "permission" to be angry; to question without fear, and tell them that to avoid the hard stuff by pretending everything is nice, and just "love" each other - then I think that's an empowering thing to do.

I may grow out of this phase. I don't know. But I do know that above EVERYTHING else, love wins - always - so live loved.

Woe is me

(Plagiarised from, and inspired by David Hayward, aka The Naked Pastor, who runs The Lasting Supper)
 
You suck. You're a failure. You're useless and worthless!

Is that what you tell yourself?

"I'm a complete failure and I should just give up"

So here's something to ponder - self-pity is the greatest obstacle to your personal spiritual progress!

Even though on one level I despise pity, I’ve had to come to realize that on another level I cherish it. It’s delicious. Not only does it make my story feel validated, it also makes me feel soothed and comforted in it. 


My version of my story is not necessarily reality. I am discovering from brain science and psychoanalysis, which also agrees with philosophies like Buddhism, that me clinging to my version of my story, my attachment to certain thoughts or beliefs, or even any thought or belief, is the cause of suffering. My attachment to a thought is suffering.

”Perhaps the most important revelation is precisely this: the left cerebral hemisphere of humans is prone to fabricating verbal narratives that do not necessarily accord with the truth… The left brain weaves its story in order to convince itself and you that it is in full control… What is so adaptive about having what amounts to a spin doctor in the left brain? The interpreter is really trying to keep our personal story together. To do that, we have to learn to lie to ourselves.”


It's as if we are clinging to a story about ourselves, that we are relishing a thought that causes us intense suffering. On the one hand, we want to stay attached to this story because it evokes pity in ourselves, and in others for us. On the other hand, we realize we simply could not continue in this vein because it would only perpetuate our suffering and therefore our need for pity. Pity can kill our motivation to move on.

It’s a vicious, circular trap… the more I pity myself, the more pity I get, the more I need to stay in my suffering, then the more I pity myself and the more pity I get. There would be no possible way out until… UNTIL… I realize that this is all orbiting around a lie: a fabricated narrative that says I suck as a person, and that I am a failure as someone trying to help others. It is a lie that I suck as a person. It is not true!

As soon as the centre disappears… the lie… so does its gravitational pull, its orbit, and its planets: my need for self-pity and pity from others. They are flung into the furthest galaxies.

It’s not a one time magic disappearing show. When I am inundated with negative "press" every day, not only from my own false mind as well as from those who don’t respect me, it is a daily project for me. But it’s not too difficult. It’s just a matter of looking at these accusations and simply asking, “Is this true?” Is it really true? No, it’s not. It’s a lie.

This is what progress looks like. It helps us escape from our victim mentality that would keep us  bound in our own pity and the pity of others for the rest of our lives. It helps us move on to really become healthy and independent. It helps us to become truly free. In fact, it sets us free to become a better person who truly does help others.

Life that brings death

I had a rave/rant with (well "at" really) a good friend about some fundamental christian principals.

I've noticed more and more, with myself and with countless others who have ditched traditional christianity, one of the most fundamental flaws with the belief system. It's not just a theological concern - its a life or death concern.

Many people embrace christianity because they are broken, beaten, abused and rejected. They have a self image that only the promise of new life in Christ can rebuild. They have had experiences that say "you are useless, a failure and your only hope is in something greater than yourself to lift you up and love you".

This sounds wonderful, and it is! It kept me alive, gave me the endurance I needed to continue with this life and a sense of being loved, mostly. The thought prevailed that no matter how broken and disgusting I was, Jesus saved me - I'm a sinner saved by grace.

There's a lot of theological discussion going around these days looking at the different aspects of the theology of Jesus, the "sacrifice", the example, taking on the "sins of the world", becoming sin so we don't have to reap the eternal consequences etc. Heaps of alternative views, and all backed by scripture - of course - that's always the case isn't it! Endless arguments all backed by scripture and everyone having the correct understanding (creating even more denominations/sects etc).

But that's not the point. Scripture is not my concern any more these days. Feel free to toss it around and analyse it into oblivion, but it makes no difference in the end. What does make a difference is life now.

The most fundamental flaw with christianity is that we are born sinful - that we are born into sin. We are sinful and broken from the day we are born because of a "condition" that has been passed down through all mankind from, well, from the "fall" apparently.

Why is this a problem? Because no matter how much we love Jesus, defer our perfection onto him, claim freedom from sin because of him, stand in God's love because of his sacrifice etc, the fact remains that we are still faced with the most fundamental doctrine that we are useless, doomed to fail, born filthy sinners - unworthy, unable to face God, except through his magnanimous sacrifice of Jesus.

It means that our value as humans is only through Jesus. We can argue the semantics and subtleties of doctrines. Yes there are many views that say that God loves us totally for who we are, but only after we accept Jesus. Some even say that God only sees Jesus when he looks at us.

Here's the problem in a nutshell, no matter how you try to frame it. All traditional christian doctrine suppresses our intrinsic value, our self worth, into something worthless - worse than worthless! We are born enemies of God! The deep damage this does can easily be seen if we can take a step back.

I see so many people who no matter how much they know that God loves them, still think they are only of any worth because of Jesus. This is crippling! It brings death where life was intended. I see people struggling with depression, failure, suicidality, because the very thing that "saved" them is killing them! Self love, self value, at a deep level is not only unachievable, it's undesirable, and even sinful. To love ourselves is supposedly pride, which was the greatest sin of all.

But Jesus said it - love your neighbour as yourself. Do you love yourself, or are you afraid? How can you love yourself because you'll end up full of pride. It will trap you and lure you into a life of hedonism and narcissism! You won't be even interested in loving others because you will become the centre of your life instead of Jesus.

What a sad delusion! There aren't any terms and conditions on loving yourself. You know why? Because loving yourself means treating yourself as you treat others, as you understand love, as you embrace unconditional love and compassion for yourself, as you live loved.

Jesus was a cool guy, but we were not born sinful and needed saving by him. Even he never said that (yes, you can read John 3:16 with a different lens, as you can most scripture). We are perfect! We are loved - we are love. We have simply been taught the lie that we are broken at the most fundamental level, so we live our lives, coloured by that. The lie goes deep and creates a paradigm that we refuse to acknowledge - a paradigm that cripples our growth as humans, that causes us to do unloving acts, because we think that's all we are capable of without Jesus' magic trick with God.

I constantly see people who have been crippled inside, come to life when they let go of the lie and begin to see that they are perfect and loved exactly as they are, right now. They realise that the only thing that stops them living loved is how they see themselves. It's not pride to love ourselves - its life! And I mean really love ourselves. Look in the mirror and love what you see. Look into your heart and love the child in there - the child who has been squashed and kicked and abused and told they only have any value because of some mysterious spiritual transaction.

Repent - which simply means change your mind! Change your mind about who you are. You were never broken, you don't need fixing or saving. You have simply believed a lie, so repent.

You can throw scripture at me, argue theology, whatever... It changes nothing. The fruit of our lives is the test. If whatever you believe doesn't bring life and love to yourself and everyone around you, you are believing a lie. If you aren't "living loved", you have completely missed the point.

At best, traditional christian doctrine can keep us alive, bring comfort, and help us have compassion and empathy for others. But it stops short of real life, real love, and giving us the ability to live to our fullness right now.

Logan Robertson

As you can imagine, I've been completely inundated with email and messages, phone calls and media attention, so I thought I should try to pull all the strands together and make sure things don't get out of hand.
Despite the horrific abuse Logan has dished out, I'm genuinely concerned for the guy. We all know that he's completely incapable of delivering on his threats, so that's not an issue. But I AM concerned that many LGBT people may want to deliver on some of the threats against him and his family, although I'm sure no one would actually kill them.
Despite what we may think about his beliefs and actions, he needs love and support, not from his brainwashed followers, but from US! This is the biggest opportunity for LGBT people to demonstrate that we are NOT like that!
Jesus said to return good for evil, to forgive our enemies etc- you know the stuff. And here's the crunch, the only thing that heals is love! 
Yes this guy is sick, but he needs love more than anyone. People like this have never experienced real love, and its up to us who can, to let him know what real, unconditional love is.
I also understand that for many this is impossible because of the abuse they may have suffered at the hands of people like this - I get that - so there is no condemnation for feeling anger.
But the only thing that brings real lasting change is love.
PLEASE - no threats - no violence - no hate!
Concern, anger are all fine and healthy, and must be acknowledged and respected, but to act on it isn't acceptable.
So lets love on Logan, show him that his God isn't our God. Show him that WE are love, That the greatest force in the universe is love and that we are all equally loved by God, no matter what religion or spirituality you embrace. We are all together in this journey.

Good christianity?

Sorry folks, been neglecting the old blog lately, mostly because of  trying to publish my book, which I hope you are all cuing up to buy a copy as we speak!

Been a lot of stuff buzzing around my brain cell, but I shall briefly mention my most recent thoughts.

I blogged a while back about why Christianity works, which is kind of a strange statement, especially if you have left the confines of christian dogma. Despite my own theological/spiritual views these days, I'm learning to look at the inherent value of religious traditions and belief systems.

I still battle with the damage that church has inflicted on me. Just when I think its OK, I find myself reacting to things people say, cliches and christianese, religious dogma and bigotry. Still got a way to go!

But I've been trying to respect the faith that kept me going all my life in terms of what it is that makes it "work". I'm not talking about the correct doctrines and whether or not the bible is God's written word or Jesus was actually God incarnate etc. No, I'm talking about why it fills a need so effectively and can bring real life changing benefits, peace and joy to people.

It seems that whatever language and theology we build around it, there are spiritual principles that are just the way the universe is. Christianity provides a way of accessing and utilising these principles, often very effectively. What are these principles? Well, that's something I'm (and millions of others) are slowly coming to terms with.

There are things like the Law of Attraction, Positive Affirmation, Karma (and lots of dreaded "new age" stuff, lol) and even things that quantum physics is revealing, that seem to be at the deepest level of all we are. Of course, its all open to dispute, but the door is open, people are seeing a far bigger universe than any one religion has ever offered. Christianity has become just one aspect of universal spirituality.

Most fundamental/traditional christians will say that everything else is deception and lies created by the devil to deceive us from the truth, that Jesus alone is the way. I know, I used to be one of the most adamant about it! I could define everything in terms of Jesus being the only truth and everything else a lie, and because the devil was so good at creating this deception, it meant that there was nothing anyone could say to convince me otherwise.

Fortunately there were cracks in the system that started to be prized open by discovering the depth of grace - the revelation of God's unconditional love that has now become the "grace movement". But even that has just been a stepping stone for many people, although for most they are happy to stay with that revelation, and once again fall into the trap of everything else being lies and deception.

But despite all that, there are universal principles. Prayer for example. People focusing and meditating, speaking love and blessing, calling things that "aren't as if they are" through a deep faith in that process, brings results, whether its christian or not. There is a law/principle/whatever at work that goes beyond christian doctrine.

Then there is the central aspect of Jesus and all that he stands for - his words and actions, his own beliefs and passions - all that we ascribe to him - that provides a point of deep universal identification with humanity and spirituality. There's something for everyone!

Its a huge subject, and I may keep throwing around ideas and digging deeper as part of another book!

I totally understand wanting to completely ditch christianity, especially after seeing the gaping holes of logic, reason, morality and ethics that are obvious to anyone outside of that paradigm. And I totally understand the pain and distress so many have suffered under the abuse of churches and religion. I really get that.

But I'm learning to respect what much of christianity DOES get right, and how effective it can be in bringing life and love. I will continue to tear apart religion that doesn't bring life - religion that is nothing more than a license for bigotry, hate and abuse. There is a lot of evil in the church, and the institution is past it's use-by date, but the spirit of Jesus and all he stood for can and does bring life and love.

And of course, in the end, all that matters is living loved!

Remembrance Day

This is a poem I wrote many years ago. Thought I'd drag it out for Remembrance Day.

We think war is justifiable. A sad but necessary fact of life.

No - it isn't. We just think it is because we are too proud and stubborn to think there could be a better way.

I refuse to have anything to do with Remembrance Day. Not because I don't feel for the millions of lives lost in the senseless carnage, or am unthankful for the the society I live in.. But simply because it is a failure of mammoth proportions - a failure to be human. We don't need to remember war. We learn nothing from it. We are happy to keep initiating more. Patriotism is division. It works against all that we desperately need to embrace for a better world.


And what of our future;
Glories of war, past and present,
Lies and myths float on the phosphorous clouds
Inhaled by Red, Yellow, Black...
We have fought with patriotic eyes,
As have they!
Who can see death without tears?
How many knew the reasons?
Innocent, ignorant, martyrs.

A dawn's early mist drifts and carries fatigue,
Echoes of shellfire -
Scarred earth -
A child's terror,
Nightmare vision and Godless chills
And prickling hackles
Making beds for propaganda - patronising, patriots,
Fanatics.

At the setting of the sun
And in the morning
We will grieve them, Lest we remember.

My Scooter

Not my scooter - but closish

(a true story)

I had a scooter when I was a kid. Not one of those little things they have these days. Nope, this was the 60s. I had a blue and white super deluxe scooter with big pump up tyres and white rubber hand grips. It was fast and smooth. It could handle the rough, but best of all was the speed.

We lived near the bottom of a long gentle hill, and as I slowly gained more confidence, I would go further up the hill to get that extra bit of speed. Stopping was a challenge, even though it had good brakes, but you could never be too careful!

Off I’d go down the footpath, oblivious to the thought of people coming out of drives and old ladies with walking frames or the postman. When it was quiet however, I’d go straight down the middle of the road.

Finally I worked my way to the top of the hill but still I needed more speed. My ultimate technique involved crouching down to minimize drag, and I was always oiling everything to get that last little boost as well.

Of course, it wasn’t without its risks, and there were many grazed arms and knees, but I was never daunted. It was my scooter – it was perfect.

I’d scoff at other scooters and prided myself on how fast I could go. And yet, in the back of my mind I knew bikes were even faster. My older brother had a bike, but I ignored it completely – stupid looking thing with skinny tires and you were right up in the air, not close to the road like my scooter.

I did try the bike once, but it was terrible! All wobbly and just not right at all. No, bike riders were stupid. Scooters ruled!

For some reason I never allowed myself to think that bikes were actually far more useful. So much so that I would rather walk than make the transition. Eventually though, after pushing it too hard for too long with too many accidents, I had to admit defeat and finally realise I had outgrown my precious scooter!

So as soon as I was old enough I got a motor bike and eventually a car, as you do. I mean, scooters are great, don’t get me wrong. When I was little it was my life, my pride and joy, and did everything I needed. But I simply had to admit that there were bigger and better ways of getting around.

My spiritual journey was very similar.

I wanted the best! I wanted truth, wisdom and knowledge. So amidst all the options I choose Christianity.

Christianity had everything I needed! It was slick, with all the answers. I could dig deep into mysteries and get more and more revelations. I could stretch my limits with faith and “ministries”. There was so much to do and strive to be better.

Of course, it wasn’t without its risks, and there were many accidents, causing damage to myself and others. I’d trip up when doctrines didn’t work properly and find another one that did, or patch up the old one with a few different scriptures.

I’d not only scoff at other beliefs, but actually declare them evil – even other Christians who didn’t have my particular polished, high speed, oiled and maintained doctrines, weren’t as good as me.

For some reason I never allowed myself to think that other beliefs were actually far more beneficial – both for me or everyone else! Eventually though, after pushing it too hard for too long with too many accidents I had to admit defeat and finally realise I’d outgrown my precious beliefs.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make Christianity work any more. It finally became a matter of either ignoring all the other options and doggedly limping on, or at least giving these other beliefs a serious look.

Don’t get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with Christianity as such, but like my scooter, it had a limited usefulness – it would only take so much before turning into a liability.

All this may sound a little patronising to a lot of Christians. I would have thought it was when I was still oiling the wheels and going further up the hill to get more speed. I would have vilified anyone who thought I would outgrow such an amazing belief system.

But outgrow it I did. I still appreciate all that I’ve learned. It’s opened up the enormity of God to me and set me on a far longer and fascinating path. But I grew too much for it to contain me. Like my scooter that is way too small for me now, Christianity is too small to be of much value.

Like I said though, nothing basically wrong with it, and at the time it was extremely valuable – and still is in many ways. “Are you still a christian then?” I hear you ask? Well, I could still ride my scooter if I wanted too, but why would I?
I’ve grown to see its purpose for some people as part of their journey, even if it’s prone to abuse as all religious systems are. Some kids trash their scooters, run over people’s toes, smash into old ladies’ shopping trollies and wreak havoc!

So, sorry if you feel like I’ve been patronising and thinking I’m better in some way. Far from it! I finally feel like I’ve just started my journey, with a new level of respect for all mankind and all our uniqueness and an experience of love that christianity could never offer.

And I’ve even come to realise that some people bypass the scooter stage completely!

New Zealand on Fire - apparently

A friend shared this prophesy today.

New Zealand on Fire

In the 80s and 90s I was swept away in the pentecostal mindset. The thrill of hearing God speaking was something we all clamoured for. We hung on every word of the prophets who would speak His very words to us - inspiring us, building our faith!

The best prophetic words were about revival. It was going to sweep the world, save the lost, convict the evil and bring God's righteousness to earth in a radical tangible way. It was the advent of the final days where God poured His spirit out on the world.

The prophesies kept coming thick and fast. On they went, always the same. Of course, it was usually dependent on the church getting their act together. Although others would say the revival would MAKE us get our acts together. Either way, it was coming!!

So many meetings, worshiping, praising... moving "in the spirit", listening, waiting, striving.

As the 2000s rolled on it became clear that God was taking His time, despite the urgency of the latest round of prophets. The old faithfuls kept revamping their old tried and true "words from God" while the newbies added their little twists to it.

And still it goes on.

I wouldn't care less if it didn't hook so many faithful but gullible christians into a life of expectancy - of forever waiting for some miraculous event that would save the world. So many people thinking that God will come and change everything so they can bypass their daily lives and magically be part of some new way of life. There's always the rapture of course, but that never seems to fit in with these types of prophecies - oh well. So perhaps revival will come and then all the "revivaled" people will get whisked away to heaven with Mr Cage.

Its almost as if there is a special book of prophetic cliches that these people have to learn. The right words said in the right way is what gives you that level of anointing and credibility.

One day, christians might actually realise that it's simply a matter of being your authentic selves - loving the person next to you, living with integrity - like I always say - living loved!

The Ostrich Syndrome

The incredible revelations surfacing in the upcoming New Zealand elections have, for me anyway, highlighted a part of human nature that is pretty universal - our propensity to bury our head in the sand when confronted by something that is potentially dangerous.

In the case of the elections, the accusations being made about the Prime Minister and his party are overwhelming, and the world is watching, waiting for him to cave in. But meanwhile, the party faithful not only refuse to believe the evidence, but actively deny the possibility of any wrong doing. Their leader and his political party would not just be unwilling to commit such things, but would be incapable because they are so honorable.

You constantly hear comments like "John Key is such a lovely man", "he has such a lovely manner and smile", "he's a good family man" etc.

People are afraid to admit they could be wrong. They can't admit they voted for someone who could do that. They aren't prepared to face the implications of the issues. The status quo is more important than having to live with the mess that will ensue. Its better to hang in there with the devil we know and just bury our heads in the sand, in the hope it will all blow over and everything will carry on as it was.

Christendom is exactly the same - only on a much larger scale.

We do the same with our beliefs. Its impossible that we have made a mistake. It's completely inconceivable that our treasured belief system, that has been established over nearly 2000 years, could even vaguely be off course, let alone off the tracks completely.

So we bury our heads in the sand when confronted by new evidence. We refuse to believe that anything outside the traditional christian paradigm has any validity. We claim that our spirits know that anything outside that paradigm is a lie from the devil. Our faith system is so firmly stitched up that those who even entertain the possibility of alternatives are branded rebellious or at worst, heretics.

We are actively discouraged from pursuing any line of questioning that isn't confined within the current theological boundaries, and taught that the only truth to be had is strictly within the bible. We must not undo all the good work that centuries of minds far better than ours, have sweated over, apparently under God's guidance, to bring us orthodox, unquestionable doctrines.

Of course, we conveniently overlook the fact that there has been endless arguments over those doctrines, but none the less, the bible is unquestionable (whatever that means).

But just like our comfortable voters refusing to have their paradigms shaken no matter what is put before them, christians remain standing with their heads firmly buried in the sand (well, bent over somewhat I guess!).

Why? Because they have too much to lose. The mess created by confronting and sorting through the real issues could damage the status quo irreconcilably. The truth becomes too "inconvenient", no matter how its presented. Reasoning is futile, logic is futile. All questioning outside the accepted doctrines is deemed deception.

I could go on, but to those who have seen this phenomenon, well, they know the futility of trying to confront it.

How do we help people get their heads out of the sand?

Bloody good question. For me, deep down, I could never be satisfied by the status quo, no matter how determined I was to fit in, or to embrace it all because everyone genuinely believed it was the only truth. No, I had to be wrong, I was rebellious, so I towed the line and repressed everything until it all turned to custard.

And yet for many others, they are blissfully unaware until one day, a light get's turned on.

Perhaps its a deep desire for truth and integrity - to want to know truth for ourselves, no matter what the cost. Perhaps that finally rises up in some and breaks into the light.

And many never make it. They simply perish with their heads still happily stuck in the sand, and genuinely happy at that! Ignorance is bliss I guess. And in the end, I simply can't judge a person's worth just because they are happy where they are! Of course, everyone is equally loved and intrinsically part of God whether they know it or not. So its not like I feel superior - just sad and sometimes frustrated.

But something in me refuses to accept that people can't live better lives, happier, more fulfilled, more loving and compassionate, if they can let go and allow themselves to think bigger and not be afraid of where that may lead, because ultimately, all roads lead to love. It would be great though, if we could get the best out of the journey on that road!

Mighty Israel, Part 2

I had a lot of interesting feedback from my last blog and noticed one very consistent thread with all of the comments: none of them spoke of the the God that Jesus loved - none of them spoke of his most basic teachings. None of them spoke of Paul's declarations of unconditional love. All their comments were based on Old Testament scripture. I made this comment on a Facebook thread and thought it may help expand the issue somewhat.


I feel I need to make very clear my views on the Old Testament, especially in relation to Israel's national psyche - it's religious paradigm that governs all of its moral judgments.

Again, I am not judging individual people. Your average Israeli is just like you and me, caring and loving, wanting the best for their friends and family (hopefully).

The problem for me was always the gross discrepancy between the character of God that Jesus and Paul portray and the God that the OT displays. I totally understand the traditional viewpoints about the purpose of the Jews etc, but ultimately I simply couldn't correlate the psychopathic horrors of a god that would demand others to commit genocide on a massive scale. I also simply cannot get my head or heart around God picking one barbaric tribe to be his "chosen" ones and make a bloody covenant with them based on performance, adherence to complex rules and regulations, and a fear that we could accidentally offend him and get zapped.

I have studied and read deeply as a christian for over 40yrs, even went to bible college, all in an effort to understand all these complexities. The only real answer I ever got, after endless questioning and digging, was that His ways are perfect and we have to trust His sovereign purposes - God is God and in the end he can do what He wants, we just have to have faith that He has our best intentions.

In the end, however, that just doesn't cut it. You see, to make it all "work", to give consistency and integrity to Gods character and heart, I had to turn my brain off, and abandon rational thought, logic, compassion, heart and the very essence of love that He has put deep in my heart - the love that Paul describes in 1 Cor 13.

I began to see that the entire OT was simply one particular ancient tribe trying to make sense of life and spirituality. They are writings of struggle, power plays, loss, victory, hatred, self justification, barbarism, cultic practices - all wrapped in a deeply held belief that they were the only nation on the earth that God had any interest in - that God actually despised every other person he had ever created and demanded that this one tribe annihilate the rest.

No matter how much I tried to work through the analogy, metaphor, the hidden purposes of God and the deep mysteries that point to Christ, the glaring facts remained - if the stories in the OT are true, then that God is the most horrific psychopathic monster imaginable, and we have been brainwashed to believe He is loving and caring.

So for me, we have been utterly duped, slowly and inexorably over centuries, to believe in a schizophrenic God through the use of incredibly complex doctrines that are MAN MADE. We have created a god in our own frustrated, distorted image - fickle, angry, abusive, conditional, narcissistic, and yet somehow, who loves us.

I cannot with any integrity whatsoever believe in that God. If He is love (as New Testament points out), then the Old Testament is NOT God speaking to us, its nothing more than an ancient tribe justifying its crap. Sure there are some great bits in it that actually do express His real heart, when those people caught the occasional glimpse of it.


No, the Old Testament is NOT God speaking to us, its NOT His holy word, its NOT the expression of His character or heart.

I now find it completely and utterly offensive to the very core of my being to think that God commanded ruthless, brutal murder and genocide - no matter how much theology you care to wrap it up in.

God IS love - if what we read doesn't fit that, then its not God - end of story.

An open letter to Africa

This is not a racist post, so please don't take it that way!

Nigeria, Uganda and all the others - you know who you are.

Shame on you - Yes, SHAME ON YOU!

You who were ruthlessly abducted into lives of slavery - 10 million of you!
You who were tortured, beaten, murdered, neglected and abused.
You who were dragged away from your native lands - your homes - your roots.
You who were treated like scum, unloved and not even human.

Those who did this to you had a biblical mandate.
There are many scriptures that irrefutably proved God endorses slavery.
There are no scriptures that say men should NOT have slaves.
God saw that your race was inferior. The bible says so.
White men were doing God's will by keeping you in slavery - it was where you belonged.
It was your lot in life according to scripture.

So what changed?
What did those brave men use to convince the religious and state powers they were wrong?

They used God's unconditional heart of love.
They used basic human morality.
They appealed to the heart of love and compassion that is in all of us.


Love won, and you were freed. It was a long hard battle, and it still is for many.
Thank God for His precious love despite what the bible says.

So tell me,
Why do you judge and condemn LGBT people, when you have known the depth of God's unconditional love already? You experienced God's incredible mercy, despite what the bible says.

LGBT people face the same issue!

You say the bible supports your views. That God hates LGBT people, they are abominations, less than human. Sound familiar? It should! That's what they said about you!

So make your choice - extend the same love that was shown to you, despite what the bible appears to say, or be prepared to confront your own hypocrisy, because confront it you will, eventually, whether you like it or not.