Gay vs Gay

I write this with a certain amount of fear that too many will take offence without looking at the real issues. I welcome constructive discussion on his matter however, as it's something that affect our community quite deeply.

There's a quiet "in-house"  discrimination amongst gay guys (in fact, its amongst all the LGBT community, but I'll leave that for another blog).

Here's an example of the problem

In it's simplest form it comes down to masculine gays not liking effeminate gays. On the surface, it seems like a basic need for tolerance and acceptance, as stated in the article link above. But I think there are much deeper issues involved.

There is the simple issue of the type of person we like. We all have preferences for a partner, from hair colour down to personality and character. This is perfectly valid and should not be an issue in the slightest. However, when we impose our personal preferences as a judgement onto others we have crossed the line into discrimination and bigotry.

But there's another reason why so many of the more "masculine" gays don't like the feminine ones. Sadly there is a generalisation that femme guys are petty and bitchy.

There's a reason we have generalisations - they are mostly true, and as a result tend to be applied to all who fit the general description.

Personally, I hate pettiness, gossip, backstabbing and bitchiness in anyone, and have very little time for it. One thing I've noticed as I interact with the broad LGBT community, is that femme guys in particular display these characteristics far too often, to the point of being predictable. I hate it with a passion! And I have to admit it puts me on guard whenever I meet effeminate guys. I don't want to, and I genuinely want to assume the best of every person I meet.

But despite my best intentions, time after time, effeminate guys seem to see the world through the lens of petty gossip.

As I said this is a generalisation, and I give my sincere apologies to all those beautiful people who don't fit this picture. I also have to say that in spite of this, I genuinely see the best in people and choose to exercise empathy to everyone. I will never discriminate against anyone. But I will choose the level of interaction I have with people in the interest of healthy boundaries.

So... after saying all this, what are we to do? Why is this so prevalent?

Lets look at it without involving sexuality or gender. If you met someone who was into belittling, gossiping and generally being shallow and self absorbed, would you avoid them and leave them to it? Straight girls... if you have a friend who is like that, you tend to avoid them for your own mental health. We all do!

This is the crux of the matter. An effeminate gay guy can be fun loving and absolutely beautiful. They can be caring and deeply compassionate, full of empathy and a great confidant. But there are many who you know you simply would not trust.

This really comes down to the personal paradigms of so many effeminate gays who have allowed themselves to be defined by their insecurities, abuse and rejection. These produce the underlying fears that result in this sort of behaviour. It's a problem that we desperately need to address, with compassion and unconditional love - not judgement and more rejection.

We really are a persecuted minority and we must support each other, but we must also be realistic and have the guts to examine our own biases and paradigms.

We are bigger than this. We must learn to love, to validate each other and ourselves.

Religion... and religion...

I've often posted about the nature of religion and spirituality. It seems to be a very subjective topic with everyone ready to jump in with their ideas.

We all have our notions of these terms based on our experiences and inherent paradigms, but to make any sense out of it all so that we can communicate successfully and actually be on the same page, we need to find common ground.

The most popular comment is something to the effect of "I'm spiritual but not religious!".

But my point of contention is the definition of  "religion" and "spiritual".

Unrelated pic - just because

Now I'm not saying I have the ultimate definitions, but I've dug around extensively at the root meanings, the cultural interpretations and psychological inferences (sounds impressive!) and come to what I consider a good baseline for the terminology.

Spirituality is the innate part of every human, that longs for purpose, meaning and eternity.
It's the part of us that looks at the stars and the seas and forests and is left speechless in awe.
It's our yearning for meaning to this short, temporal existence. It fires our hearts with imagination and helps us understand love and life. It doesn't have any set form or dogma, it's simply a part of our existence.

When we talk about being spiritual, what are we actually saying? Most of us would agree on the above statements, give or take. But we also add our own belief systems into the mix, creating a confusing definition that others easily misinterpret.

Religion however, is the application of theories supported by subjective experiences, doctrines (formalised theologies and beliefs systems) and rituals that help us make sense of our innate spirituality. (Wikipedea: Religion is any cultural system of designated behaviors and practices, world views, texts, sanctified places, ethics, or organizations, that relate humanity to the supernatural or transcendental. Religions relate humanity to what anthropologist Clifford Geertz has referred to as a cosmic "order of existence".[1] However, there is no scholarly consensus over what precisely constitutes a religion)

Using this definition, we can see that all the major "religions" clearly fit the definitions. But millions of people explore "alternative", "new age" or what they call pure spirituality without realising that they are also embracing religion.

I recently engaged in a tense discussion with a friend about things like chakras, reiki, and similar forms of "spiritual" practices. Although our biggest problem was to do with definitions, it did cause me to stop and think about the whole issue again.

Whatever methods we use to interpret and apply our innate sense of spirituality is basically a religion! We may embrace various forms of "new age" teachings or traditional teachings from indigenous or ancient cultures - a whole range of practices we consider as spiritual but not religious. But in fat, the moment we apply some form of methodology, interpretation and application of a spiritual concept, we have adopted a religion.

This in itself is fine! We have to, so that we can apply the principles in a constructive way. It's not "bad" to practice religion in any form because it's the only way we can live by our beliefs.

But here's where the rubber hits the road...

• Do you think your religious applications of spiritual concepts are "the truth"? 
• Do you proclaim you have the real deal and other people need to be enlightened to the reality of your beliefs? 
• What are the "fruits" of your beliefs (that you apply as a religion to your life)?
• Have you refined your beliefs into a form of religion that has become dogma? (a principle or set of principles laid down by an authority as incontrovertibly true)

So many people claim they have rejected religion to discover "true" spirituality, free of the dogma and oppression of religious fundamentalism. but they are unaware that they have simply shifted from one form of religion to another - that they have accepted another dogma with just as much passion as they claim to have rejected. 

What we fail to see is that any form of religion and dogma is entirely subjective - there is no empirical evidence for any spiritual beliefs or the applications of those beliefs through a religious structure.

Whatever we embrace is, by it's very nature, subjective and cannot be defined by dogma. Whatever we believe, we have two primary considerations - do we regard it as dogma, and what is the fruit of that belief?

If our "religious"  belief and expression is in any way exclusive, creates an "us and them" mentality, denies unconditional love to all humanity, then we have failed at the most fundamental level. We must examine our beliefs and be prepared to let go of all our assumptions.

It's OK to be wrong.

It's OK to lose unshakeable beliefs.

It's OK to have an existential crisis.

It's OK to simply "be".

Live loved - because that is all that matters!

Suicide

Popper's Paradox

Free speech,
Tolerance,
Unconditional love...

How do these things work in reality?

In 1945 the philosopher Karl Popper proposed the paradox of tolerance.

In a nutshell he said "if a society is tolerant without limit, their ability to be tolerant will eventually be seized or destroyed by the intolerant", or to paraphrase that: we can only survive by being intolerant about intolerance.

As we all know, white supremacy and all it's ugly variants are making headlines and empowering those who secretly embrace those views to speak out. There's also the current political mess in Australia over gay marriage, where conservative christians are doing all they can to stop it.

So where do we draw the line on free speech and religious freedom?

We have to draw it somewhere, or our society will become victim to it and we will loose those very freedoms!

The balance is in how we confront them. If we use "violence" (physical, vocal or in any form) we are playing the same game, and when confronted in this way, the intolerant simply dig their heels in and use the opposition to fuel more intolerance.

Respect for their humanity is key. To recognise that we could be the same if we'd been raised in a different environment is a sobering thought. It's a learned trait, something we aren't just born with. So compassion and empathy is the key to any communication, bypassing the rhetoric and reactionary thought processes and focussing on understanding why people are like this.

At the risk of being overly simplistic, it comes down to a lack of love. They never experienced the type of unconditional love themselves that breeds self worth and empathy for others. They are broken and angry, but instead of looking within, they are lashing out at the rest of us.

But they still have to be stopped from spreading this disease, and that's where we have to draw lines. Although love is the only "cure" for these people, we still have to deal with the affects they are having on our society.

The alt right issue is pretty obvious, but the christian right style of bigotry, especially towards LGBT people is more complex because of the religious freedom problems. And that opens a very large can of worms because it will eventually confront all religions on issues of bigotry and tolerance.

Perhaps it's time we stop being afraid of challenging people's belief systems?

We can do this with love and patience without compromising our stand. They believe they are doing the right thing, so we have to talk to their hearts, bypass the religious rhetoric and present compassion and empathy for the broken as our motivation.

We also have to remember that for most christians it's a case of "the bible says so", and that's a tough nut to crack. But with the same level of compassion we can help them to understand that their views are in error, as have been so many christian opinions over the centuries, that had to be adjusted and morality, ethics and science outgrew the ignorance of ancient culture.

We must be strong but loving - compassionate but without compromise - draw the lines but help them gently step over them. It's hard work, but if we can step back from our own reactionary thought processes we will be able to exercise the love they need to see in action.

Good, Evil, Sin, Love

This is perhaps one of the most important issues we have to face. It's insidious and rules over every part of our lives. In fact it's the basis of the "human condition" irrespective of religion.

(It's a long one so hang in there!)

I became a passionate Christian at 15. 

I was gay, struggling to understand what was wrong with me.

I grabbed the bible and read it nonstop, cover to cover. I absorbed it, and the prayer books, and started listening to the sermons. I loved talking about it and how amazing God was, and assumed everyone else in my church youth group had the same understanding as me!

Inevitably I discovered that it was wrong to be a christian and be homosexual. The bible said so and that was that. So I prayed and prayed for it to “go away”. I started to look for more radical “cures” and went to a “deliverance” ministry to get the demons cast out. I persisted for a few weeks and went along with the whole thing, but nothing actually changed, strangely enough!

I then had some prayer counselling which supposedly got to the deeper spiritual and psychological causes, but just made me feel like a failure. So I ended up marrying this really lovely girl, who was a great friend, thinking that would fix everything, and we’d have a family and live happily ever after. Not a happening thing. 

I then drifted into Pentecostalism to find a deeper more powerful spirituality that would enable me to overcome my evil desires. I became a worship leader, home group leader and dived into the whole lifestyle boots and all, even street witnessing in Kings Cross.

I decided to get married again! Really stupid, I know, but I was convinced it would work this time and my dream of a happy family would come true. 

She’d had lesbian relationships so we knew basically what we were up against, but of course we had no idea of just how hard it would be. We had lots of counselling, all sorts of whacky Christian ministries, and finally got involved with Living Waters reparative therapy group in Australia and then over here in New Zealand. We were involved with them off and on for about 15 years, as worship leaders, participants and leaders.

Never once did we admit that it wasn't working. Sure there was some good insights gleaned from the teachings and they were beautiful, sincere and loving people, but I never became one tiny bit straight.

Eventually my wife became sick with cancer in 2009. I nursed her for nearly 2 years before she died after which I had something of a meltdown. Our son had to watch his mum die as we kept hanging out for miraculous healing. We read all the books, heard countless preachers on every aspect of healing imaginable. Went to conferences with the best international healing ministries and lost count of the number of people who prayed and prophesied over her. It was horrific on so many levels, and it wasn't until after she died I could even attempt to process any of it.

I had to come to terms with the fact that I’d lived my entire adult life with depression and suicidality, struggling with the cognitive dissonance of being gay in a belief system that said I couldn't be gay.

My core spirituality was based on my experience as a 15 year old, and I’d spent the rest of my life thinking that fundamentalist Pentecostalism (in one form or another) was the only genuine expression of that experience.

So I then spent 12 months unravelling my faith, and coming to terms with my sexuality. I began to take small steps to embrace my real identity and slowly become very active in the LGBT community as a spiritual voice for those silently suffering in churches and religion.

So now how does that all relate to my topic on the knowledge of good, evil, sin and love”? I'm glad you asked.

Part of the unravelling process required me to take a radical look at the bible. I started to look at the original languages, the cultures, social norms, historical context etc, as best I could without my Christian paradigm. I saw of course, that all the scriptures about sexuality were completely misinterpreted (that’s a huge discussion in itself!). If only I’d known that from day one…

But it didn’t stop there and wasn’t long before I began to see all the flaws in my belief system. It became clear (to me at least) that humans have an insatiable assumption that we need holy texts – irrefutable words of wisdom that define our meaning in relation to God and the universe. Writings that set out moral and ethical codes, rules and rituals, that are necessary for humanity to survive. But the biggest problem is that we also assume humans are essentially flawed and need saving from our inherent brokenness.

This is quite understandable as we all wrestle with the horrors we inflict on each other on a daily basis – even down to our own petty squabbles. It seems as if we really are inherently evil.

(This is a huge subject of course and countless books have been written about it already)

Most religions (especially christianity) are complex systems built on those assumptions. However, what if we are actually perfect, exactly as we should be, but all that is missing is our realisation of it? This is a concept that has always been around in some form but rarely embraced because of the apparent contradictions in what we experience. After all, despite our best efforts we all take offence and argue and fight, blaming each other for all our problems. It’s not a good look, so we have invented religious systems that build on this paradigm to create a way of hope for a better life.

Now, every single person knows what love is. It’s inherent in our nature as humans. We may not understand it fully or even experienced it in any meaningful way, but the deep longing for unconditional love is absolutely universal. In fact, it’s the only aspect of spirituality that truly is universal.

Deep down, we all know that the only thing that brings real change towards life and wholeness, is love.

So here’s my point (finally!)

The bible myth about the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" that Adam and Eve ate from, expresses the basis of the problem - we keep choosing to look at everything in terms of right and wrong instead of love.

The story says that the only thing that would cause them to die was embracing the desire to know good from evil! Even Paul in the New Testament, hinted at it often with statements like "everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial". We keep thinking that the most important thing we can do is determine right from wrong – sin from righteousness. We think that justice is only defined in terms of good and bad, so we spend most of our time making judgements. We are obsessed with having the knowledge of good and evil. Our entire civilisation is built on this! We want clear cut lines that say “this is right but that is wrong”. Our legal system is nothing more than countless lines drawn to define if something is good or bad.

But if we look to the story of Jesus, we see something very subtle and easily overlooked in his words to the disciples after the “last supper” dialogue. He simply said, in possibly his most powerful words, “I'm giving you a NEW command – love each other the same way I love you”.

Up to that point he’d supported the principles of the law and 10 commandments, and had reduced them down to two – love God and love each other. But what he did here is ditch the “thou shalt” mentality entirely and institute something new.

Love each other just like I love you. He turned it completely around. The onus was no longer on us to “love God” first and foremost. He took that out of the whole equation. The disciples had seen the depth of his love for humanity, and that’s exactly what he put to them. Love humanity, just like I do.

Stunningly simple, and bypasses all concepts of laws and rules. Up to that point he’d been pointing out that living by the law was completely unattainable, and he constantly upped the ante with things like “you know you shouldn't have it off with another woman, but I'm telling you - if you even look sideways at a woman you may as well have had sex with her”. He did this heaps and upset a lot of people! But then he turned it all around with that one final “new” command. It was a command for unconditional love. 

So, lets look at this a little closer. The people we all most admire and respect as examples of life and faith, are those who live from that place of unconditional love. They don't judge, they simply love. Like Mother Teresa, the Dali Lama – those types we admire for their sacrificial and genuine love. They don’t preach doctrines and rules, morals and ethics – they just love unconditionally and completely.

Here’s the crunch though. We don't need any holy writings for this. Its already who we are. As little children we don’t judge, we simply “are” and enjoy life based on the level of love we receive. Sure, there are heaps of ancient and modern writings that are incredibly profound and have so much to offer. But I'm talking about revering these writings, and their authors, to the point of “god’s infallible words”, “anointed”, “holy” etc. It’s called bibliolatry (the worship of the writings themselves instead if the deeper message), and most religions are guilty of it.

When Jesus said to be like children, he wasn't talking about obeying your parents or being submissive - he was talking about a simplicity of life and faith – a returning to that wonderful reliance on love and love alone and the joy and peace it brings to ourselves and everyone around us.

Christianity in particular calls us to "repent" - a word that is loaded with guilt, shame, penance and punishment. But the original word in context with the Greek language and culture literally means to just change your mind. That's it!! Just change our minds about who we are. Look at a baby! It has no concept of right or wrong, good or evil. It’s just a little love receptor, a love sponge, which gives as much as it receives. So we “repent” of our craving for the “knowledge of good and evil” and return to that state of innocence. A love sponge!

This has to be practical as well, and sure enough, we will still act in unloving ways as we gradually learn our true identity, but all we have to do is be responsible for any mess we make. That's all there is to it! That may be difficult and may require extreme measures to amend for those actions. But the point is, there is no sense of punishment for wrong doing, or reward for doing good. It’s a simple matter of being responsible for all we are and do from a place of love.

Its living loved. Everything else is a distraction and a returning to that tree.

We think we need endless books and sacred writings of wisdom that talk of how and what to do to be good people - but we already are good people - we have just been convinced that we aren't by choosing to judge what’s right and wrong instead of living loved.

We will keep hurting each other, misunderstanding and fighting, but as we begin to see what love looks like and embrace it for ourselves, we’ll change. The whole point of love is in embracing imperfection!

How does this look in daily life? Every decision we make should begin with the premise that “I am loved – I am inhabited by love – I am love incarnate”. Will this decision, this action, thought or word come from love and bring love? What will be its fruit? It may be a very hard decision, but if it’s done with integrity and honesty, then we can ask no more. Because love covers “sin”, and we all know that sin is simply “missing the mark”. Yes, it’s another one of those loaded words that religion has escalated to the ultimate judgement. But again, the original languages and context reveal it to be a simple “missing the mark” like an arrow missing the target.

So after all this – what is love? Most of the western world knows 1 Cor 13 and it could be said to be the universal standard that depicts pure unconditional love.

“This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience—it looks for a way of being constructive. It is not possessive: it is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance. Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails. Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.”

Of all holy writings, this is probably the one that hits the depth of every soul. Even if we have never experienced this kind of love, we all crave it. The lack of it is the cause of all our woes, from war to mental illness.

To “live loved” requires us to abandon the desire for the knowledge of good and evil, and extend the same level of compassion and empathy we desire for ourselves. Then we will begin to see God in us and everyone one else.

Its a massive paradigm shift, but millions over the centuries (throughout all history I guess) have discovered that this really is the narrow road – it’s the real “gospel” (good news), and the only thing that brings real freedom and the "fruit of the spirit". It’s taking responsibility for who we really are.

THIS is what changed my life - from internal and external judgement to unconditional love.

Live loved!!

My Legacy

Many people think that I'm "out and proud", and that my days of living in hidden trauma, depression and self loathing are long gone. 

I guess I do give that impression because I'm a passionate advocate for helping people untangle the mess of religion that causes untold damage to millions (and not just LGBT people). I speak about how amazing life is now that I'm free from the bondage and abuse from that belief system.

But there's a legacy (a very large legacy) that I live with - that most who have been through this sort of stuff live with.

Let me explain...

On one level I've never felt more at peace to be free from religion and dogma. I understand love in ways I never thought possible. Life is infinitely better!

But I lived a nightmare for most of my 60 years. I lived a life of shame and guilt - of being a failure, a "freak", faulty, rejected and deeply tormented for being something I couldn't change, which culminated in a meltdown after my wife died.

It's been a slow journey out of that mess, and the legacy of that life is deep and lingering. I'm on antidepressants and still have bouts of depression and anxiety. I have ADD that became far worse after the meltdown. I can't absorb complex technical information any more (I used to be a technical writer and Instructional Designer). My brain runs full tilt all the time, dancing from one thing to another without a word of warning. I get confused easily. I'm impulsive. I lose track of what I'm doing. It's not just old age, lol, although I'm sure that doesn't help! 

I struggle every day. It took me 2 years to write It's Life Jim... not only because of the time it took to untangle so much of the mess, but also because my mind doesn't operate in linear coherent ways any more (not that it was ever that good at it anyway). Some days I get up with the best of intentions and clarity only to find it turns to vapour the moment I start to be "productive". I practice mindfulness and go for long walks. I take time as best I can, to slow down. I like my wine and beer, and the odd bit of wacky weed to help slow down the endless barrage of chatter in my head.

I struggle with how most of my life was a complete waste, never finding peace or integrity, self worth and living a complete lie, damaging those closest to me, as well as myself. Sure, there's all the platitudes about my life's journey and nothing is a waste etc... I get that, really I do. But that doesn't help the deep scars left by the endless years of crap.

Daily, "normal" life is not something I do well. I'm one of the walking wounded, with a pronounced limp that I'm slowly realising may never go away. And yet, the paradox is I'm happier than I've ever been. A deep happiness and peace - so much better than my previous life.

One thing I can give, without hesitation, is my integrity and honesty about who I am, what I've done and where I'm at. I can only "share my journey" (cliche alert) with as much honesty as I'm capable of mustering, because that is the only thing any of us can do in the end. Sure I "preach" about the things that have set me free, and I'm passionate about everyone growing into real life and love without fear or dogma. But I'm just me, still discovering my own biases, how my paradigm works, how I affect others, how much I really live what I preach.

My favourite tag line is "Live loved". I'm still learning how powerful and profound those simple words are. Some days are better than others, but it's always a step forward.

The legacy of christianity, for me, is deep. I've seen the utter failing of it's core doctrines. I'm not as bitter as I used to be, and have always recognised that many beautiful, loving people have found a belief system that works for them. They are the ones who have shaped their beliefs around their own inherent beauty, rather than the reality of the belief system itself, but that's a whole other story, lol.

So I guess I'm saying that if I (or anyone) give the impression that I'm suddenly free and perfect after a lifetime of abuse, then sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Now, where's that beer?...

Pedophile priest forgiven by church...

(Update: this is probably a fake news story, but it doesn't change the issues I'm addressing)

This is not uncommon, as we are all too aware!

Paedophile priest with HIV who raped 30 children forgiven by church...

Any sane Christian will immediately say that this is not God's will, that it's evil and so on - and rightly so.

I'm not commenting about the subject matter itself though. I'm addressing the whole problem with God allowing this horrific stuff to blacken his name.

Countless atrocities over the centuries, big and small, have been committed by the church. They paint the church as a dark place indeed, despite the glimmers of loving genuine people of the faith.

But here's the problem...

We worry about the tainted image of God and proclaim "but we aren't all like that", and of course that's true. But millions of people don't know that! They have never seen the "good" side. They are ignorant of all you who understand that love is the main thing, so they quite genuinely assume that Christianity is a heap of crap.

God does nothing to stop this.

NOTHING.

He is silent. Yes, you may say, it's up to us to put the record straight and show people how good this god really is, but that never stops this sort of thing. As desperately as we may try to paint a good picture more crap is smeared over the whole thing.

There are lots of trite answers about why god allows this - answers that try to find some sense, but all fail miserably in the light of simple truth and logic. They all end up with the same lame answer - "because god".

People are bitter, angry, horrified, over the hypocrisy of the church. They are the laughing stock. And god is still silent, and not one Christian has a decent response. It's just, you know, because god!

You don't need a religion to be a loving, moral person. We are ALL capable of being better than this god. And better yet, WE then become responsible members of humanity as we work together to confront this type of evil. We don't have to try and justify it all through complex twisted doctrines and theologies. We no longer have a scapegoat.

WE become responsible for love on this planet.

WE are love.

You can believe in a god of some sort if you like, but if you place doctrines and theology above the love of humanity in any way, you have missed the plot.

It's time for humanity to mature, grow up, out of religion and accept our rightful place and responsibilities.

The Psychological Legacy

If you've read my book "It's Life Jim..." you'll be familiar with how my mental state was affected by my life of battling sexuality with religion and the constant fight with depression and suicide ideation.

When my wife died it all came to a head and I had a "meltdown" or whatever you want to call it. The symptoms were a relentless combination of heavy depression (like walking around covered in a wet dark blanket, unable to think beyond the pain and confusion that keeps pounding your head), Intense anxiety attacks (that created a physical gnawing in the gut, confusion, a strange disassociation from my environment and a feeling that I was about to burst into tears), and an escalation of ADHD symptoms (lack of focus, restlessness, confusion, thought's racing etc).  The suicide ideation thankfully went!

This lead to counselling and medication and living on the benefit. There was no way I could hold down a job!

Nearly six years later I'm doing pretty good, but there's the legacy that I just have to live with despite my best efforts. All of these symptoms are still around. Yes, I get days where the depression hits (although nothing like it was) and I still get anxiety attacks, and the ADHD symptoms are the bane of my life.

I've learnt the triggers (mostly) and how to handle it all. I can sense better when I might take a nosedive, and I know how to "roll" with it and not be fearful.

But it's still there. This is the legacy of a life ruled by religious control, cognitive dissonance, self loathing and emotional abuse. Will it ever go away? I'd like to think so, but I'm not holding my breath.

It's like this for countless others. We are presumed to be over it and "all better now". Sure, we've moved on and even enjoy life in ways we never dreamed of. My life is fantastic and fulfilling. But the legacy quietly lives on, reminding us daily.

Be gentle with yourself.
Learn your weaknesses and accept them.
Roll with them, don't fight them.
Find the best way through it - socialise or retreat - talk to people or hide in your cave... there's no right or wrong, just whatever enables you to move through it safely.
Get help if needed, any time, don't be a martyr.

Life is good, no matter what the past has done to us. Life is rich and full of wonder and love.
Live it!!

Respecting "the journey"

I treat this blog as a place to publicly process my ideas as I keep growing and moving through the maze of life {insert other appropriate clichés here}.

Because of this, I get labelled and boxed with monotonous regularity, and in some ways that's fair enough. We can't be expected to read between the lines or know the entire background and "paradigm" behind everyone's journey.

The thing is, although I present stuff that undermines religion and especially Christianity on a regular basis, I fully realise that this is MY journey.

I challenge and provoke, question the status quo, present new or alternative ideas, use critical thinking and rational thought (to the best of my ability) in my quest to understand the greater mysteries of life.

But I also realise that its taken me many years to get to this point, and I simply can't expect anyone else to suddenly accept that my ideas should be theirs.

There have been many people I've encountered over the years who presented ideas that were way beyond my paradigms, and I thought they were deceived, deluded and lost souls. But their words were seeds that took root until, when the conditions were right, started to shoot.

In hindsight, I'm incredibly grateful for those challenges, and often confrontations - they helped prise open the door of dogma.

I often feel I cross the line when challenging people and presenting highly provocative stuff. But when I think about the unique and subjective journeys that we are all on, I know that even if someone is offended now (and it's never my heart to offend), I've hopefully planted a seed that will start to grow some day.

I really do respect everyone's unique road through life. I have to! I had to grow at my own pace, absorb new stuff only as I was capable, be open to new ideas only as I saw the failing of old ones.

I guess I'm really trying to say that we have to respect the unique journey each of us is on, and yet not be afraid to lovingly confront and challenge with the goal of bringing truth and love to humanity, that we will continue to mature as a species and one day come to true unity in love.

Is Love a Discipline? - Pt 3

So, is love a discipline or isn't it?

So far I've proposed that it isn't (Part 1, Part 2) . However there are aspects of our self worth that create the free flow of love that do require discipline.

Loving ourselves doesn't come from doing nothing, we have to work at it. But that work isn't striving and beating ourselves up. It's a gentle, honest and determined work. It's a work that requires us to be painfully honest with ourselves on one hand, and incredibly gentle on the other.

We must stop and look closely at how we feel about ourselves - question our actions and reactions - our habits - the things we say to ourselves - what we think when we look in the mirror and so on. We must look at what has hurt us, abused us, broken us, to create these reactions and self image. It can be really painful indeed, especially where abuse is involved.

Then we "let go" and simply accept those things as who we are with no judgement. Yep, as ridiculous as it sounds, after being honest and recognising our lack of love, we simply accept it and stop struggling. When we have suffered abuse and trauma, this can be very scary and "triggering", but that's ok. We are allowed to feel the emotions of these things, but with the intention of "letting go", in the sense that we become the observer, rather than the participant. This requires the discipline of non-judgement, a gentle and respectful process, and often needs the help of trusted friends or compassionate counsellors.

Only then can we begin the important task of "re-programming" our minds, requiring the next step in  discipline. We've spent years soaking up all the crap that creates a bad self image and allowed ourselves to be brainwashed by it all, so we have to reverse that process, and that takes some determination.

We all know that pretentious stuff about positive self talk, well guess what, it works! BUT, it only works when we have been honest and done all the ground work I've mentioned. The two sides go hand in hand - non-judgemental observation and acceptance of our past and the paradigm that has created, and the re-programming of our minds to the truth of our worth.

Positive self talk isn't some fluffy bullshit. It can be painful, and seem like you are going against everything your mind and even your body is telling you. But remember, you are actually reversing the brainwashing of a lifetime of pain and lies, so it WILL go against all you feel.

The basic idea is telling yourself all the time and in every way we can think of, that we are perfect, beautiful, awesome, loved, accepted, needed etc. We take the time to think of all the things we'd like to be and actually declare that we ARE those things. We look in the mirror and say (no matter how hard it is) "I love you!". Find people who love you exactly as you are, who feed your heart. Immerse yourself in positive books and media - anything that affirms your real value as a beautiful, loving creation.

This is discipline, and it can be bloody hard work! But the one thing it isn't, is trying to love others by doing "loving" things. It's not sacrificing our own desires for the needs of others. It's not putting god first, others second and ourselves last. It's not trying to be loving. But it IS disciplining ourselves to undo the lies that we have been told and have taken deep into our hearts.

You ARE love incarnate - live loved!

Is love a discipline? - Pt 2

I had some people ask for some practical application of my last post "Is love a discipline?"
(although I'm not sure if this will qualify, lol)

The idea that self love is the only source of true love for everyone else can be a tricky one to get our heads around, especially when we have no real experience of self love outside of the context of the christian paradigm/belief system.

Many have never even considered the issue and just plod through life trying to "do" love, hoping that it will get easier as the learn self sacrifice.... and there in lies the first part of the problem! Self sacrifice is not going to make us more loving, never has and never will. It does, however, create an attitude self neglect, repression, a minimisation of our own natural talents and beauty, and often a form of self abasement that amounts to being a doormat, and all too often, forms of metal illness.

Christians are told that the correct process to be pleasing to god is put god first, others second, and ourselves last. We must sacrifice ourselves as Jesus apparently did - to carry our cross in the worship of God and service to others.

The second part of the problem is we are taught to "channel" god, to the point where we are nothing more than a means of god pouring out his love to mankind. The theological reasons for this are complex and sound reasonable given the premise that we are broken and incapable of doing anything good without the indwelling of god's spirit.

All this creates the paradigm that our own ability to love is flawed from the ground up, and that only god has this ability.

With all that in mind, back to the original topic - how do we apply the idea that self love is actually the single most important thing all humans need to not only thrive as an individual, but also as a "species"?

Of course, it's a process. It's not going to happen overnight. Some people have a spiritual experience that helps shorten the process - some sort of cathartic event that reveals our beauty and "oneness". For most of us it requires us to do a bit of inner searching and be brave enough to accept who we are right at this moment, with no thought of needing to change, or not being good enough etc.

It takes time, and of course, doesn't exclude the need to "do" loving actions for others as we grow. But the whole point is that we need to turn the destructive discipline into a natural flow of genuine affection, compassion and empathy from our core.

For example, I used to occasionally lose the plot and get angry out of frustration. People would annoy me (often those closest to me, sadly) because they couldn't understand me or I couldn't successfully communicate what I was feeling or needing. As I let go of the religious aspects of love and began to nurture myself things began to change. I recognised that I couldn't change by trying, so I just accepted that I was suffering - with NO judgement. I allowed myself to recognise I was just like everyone else and that was absolutely ok. I could then love people even if they didn't "get" me. I saw their struggle to understand with empathy and accepted and loved them totally in that, just as I now accepted and loved myself.

The key? NO SELF JUDGEMENT!

I stuffed up? - not a problem. Fix up the mess and treat yourself like the loved children we really are.
For example, our toddler wets the bed, but we don't berate them and demand they repent and try harder. We love them and say "never mind", clean up and show them that they are loved and wonderful. Its proven beyond doubt that if you scold a child for bed-wetting, it makes toilet training much harder. The worse the shame and punishment, the harder the toilet training becomes. This is true of all childhood behaviours (yes, I know many of you are thinking we have to be strong with kids and use discipline etc, but that's a whole other topic).

This is how we need to treat ourselves in every area. We don't judge ourselves - we don't need to!! Just like a loving parent, we embrace all we are, knowing that love will bring self confidence and the innate ability to prosper as a human, and share that love to everyone else.

This is a huge subject, and something I've spent the last few years getting a handle on. I've hardly scratched the surface here, and yet the whole thing is so incredibly simple. The problem is our indoctrination by religious paradigms.

More to come....

Live loved!!

Is love a discipline?

One christian tenet that is commonly touted is the whole idea of love being a discipline - something we have to work on - to actively "deny ourselves" and exercise Godly love despite our feelings.

I always battled with this. I could never figure out why love had to be so hard, even though the excuse provided by traditional doctrine is that we are born "fallen" so everything we do that has value is going to be resisted by our "fallen" nature. It just didn't gel.

As I began my journey out of traditional christianity, I began to see people who genuinely felt "emotional" love towards everyone. It's the kind of love that isn't a discipline or a consciously focused exercise on applying scriptural doctrines, or trying to "channel" God in some way. For these people, they just felt simple and unconditional love for every person.

How could this be? So I read and observed, and discovered it isn't just super spiritual gurus who have obtained "enlightenment" of some sort, but was often simple, average people.

I've discovered the one common factor is self love!

I'm not talking about anything narcissistic in the slightest. I'm talking about a full acceptance of our own worth as neither better or less than any other human being. It's a complete acceptance and love of self as we are at this moment, no guilt, no shame, no regrets. It's a full embracing of our core being as an expression of love. It doesn't matter what religion or doctrines you may believe, apart from the basic fact that we are all beautiful and created in love.

This alone creates an inner peace that is far beyond any religion or spiritual discipline. If we have to strive to be loving, then we have missed the point entirely. And I can personally attest to it! Over the last 5 years I've grown to love myself "warts and all" in such a way that I feel equal to everyone else. Love to others becomes an expression of my love for myself. I don't have to "fake it till I make it". In fact, when I don't feel love for someone I'm getting to the point where I stop and look at what is being reflected in my own lack of self love.

Yes, it's something we grow into as we peel away the layers of self loathing in all its blatant and subtle forms. We have to abandon any belief that says we are broken and needy and require an external "saviour" because that shifts the focus and responsibility to that "thing" rather than embracing our true value on it's own merit.

If you don't experience natural, emotional based love that feels like empathy and affection for others, then the solution isn't "trying" harder, it's loving yourself more, and that only comes by unconditional acceptance of all that we are right now, and then allowing that internal love to gently strip away anything that isn't a product of love. No striving or effort to repent and renounce sins, no berating ourselves or struggling to be better - we are enough as we are, and all the we hate about ourselves is just a product of our "journey" so far, and we can change the direction of that journey by embracing self love.

Sounds too good to be true? Yep, we've been told a lot of lies for a long time. We ARE beautiful, all of us, right now. It's how we are "created". We truly are "one".

Live loved!

The Unchanging God

One of the great tenets of Christianity is the "unchanging god" - the same yesterday, today and tomorrow - his character is solid and is never indecisive, always full of love, mercy and justice. We can count on him because he is always constant, in every way.

The truth though, is a bitter pill to swallow, a pill that most christians refuse to acknowledge.

For those christians who see god as totally loving and full of grace, they have had to shed the idea of the "monster god" of the Old Testament, and to do that, there's a large problem. 

To make god really as good as we say, we have to cherry pick the bible. God should be good of course, and we know that, however fundamentalists and traditional christians are trapped in the idea that you have to adhere to the entire bible, which is impossible, so you end up like the Jews - creating a god in your own image, and a nasty one at that.
 
Even the new testament has a lot of the old nasty god in it, which we have to tiptoe around to make a much better religion than the bible presents.
 
In reality, the christianity that most sane people like is one we have constructed out of morals and ethics far superior to those of biblical times.

However we don't see it that way. We use the term "doctrines" to describe the new beliefs that we stitch together from these cherry picked scriptures. I spent years doing this myself, and could justify it all with "scholarly exegesis".

I think this is actually a good thing, as we outgrow the primitive tribalistic god of the bible, but lets just call it for what it is - we are creating/modifying god into our own image - an image that reflects our evolving spiritual understanding, morals and love. 

The day will come when we see the bible for what it really is rather than worship it as a god actually speaking to us. Perhaps the only hold that traditional christianity will have over people is the fear of the unknown - what happens when we die. This is the last bastion of fear that we can be threatened with, and the last thing we need to come to terms with before shedding the old and walking in real love and unity as the beautiful creatures we really are.

Sup Jim?

I've been posting some confronting stuff lately and getting flack for my attitudes - so here's the story... 

I've slowly been leaving the fold of christianity, and in the process, posting heaps of stuff online (Facebook mostly) about the journey. I get very provocative, poking holes in doctrines and theologies as I continue to process, and get lots of "hate mail" because of it.

I make fun of stuff, I present radical views, controversial ideas, even some pretty offensive stuff. I stir up the pot of religion, no matter what's in there or who gets offended by the smell.

I've been accused of being arrogant, rude, judgemental, (and heretical of course) and I can't deny any of that. Sometimes I look at my comments and think "Jim, you really stuffed that up!". But hey, I'm human, fallible, growing and learning to "live loved". I am who I am, and I'm accountable, open, honest and strive for complete integrity in every area of my life. You can correct me and challenge me, and I'll always listen. And I've even admitted to being wrong and apologising (at least once I'm sure).

But what the heck am I on about? Be assured that nothing I say should be taken as personal offence (yes, I've been pretty hacked off with individuals who should know better, lol). I know all too well that each of us believes what we believe because of very real personal experience. No one picks up a belief system because it just seemed like a good idea at the time (well, hopefully).

So here's my biggest dilemma in terms of christianity (and religion in general). Do I simply say "believe whatever you want, it's all good". Or maybe "believe whatever you want, but if it affects other's negatively, then you should be aware of that and examine what you believe closely". Or perhaps I should present the whole underlying psychology and spirituality of christian theology as nothing more than a construct that meets deep human needs, being neither good or bad in itself, as long as we are aware of that fact. Maybe I should be brutal and stuff the consequences. Or maybe I should just quietly post pictures of dinner and cat memes.

The problem is I see the validity of each point of view. The thing that influences me the most, of course, is my own experience with the abuse that I and countless others, have experienced because of our sexuality. But that isn't the whole story by any means. Aside from that, millions
 of us have simply seen a far bigger picture than the one christianity paints. A picture that can't be "unseen" and that makes the christian world very small.

As many of you know, I loath dogma in any form and see it as one of the most destructive elements of human thought and behaviour. Even the philosophies and science I explore for bigger and better answers are always open to change.

I will not fit into any box anyone tries to label me with. And I hope for the day when all of us refuse to join a system of dogma that is in any way exclusive, denying our intrinsic oneness and unique individuality.

If you don't like what I say, then fair enough. But don't be surprised if I challenge you, and possibly be offensive in the process. If you can't handle having your beliefs questioned then they aren't worthy of your acceptance in the first place.

Life is tough and we all look for comfort, safety, security, love and acceptance - but this should never be at the cost of reason, logic, integrity and honesty in everything. We are worth more than that. We are love incarnate, but a species who, over countless generations, have lost sight of that, and have ended up creating endless religions to understand what went wrong and how to fix it. It's time to grow up!

And believe it or not, I do love you all - even you fundies who get up my nose!!

I'm Angry

I'm struggling with anger.

If you are familiar with my journey, it may come as no surprise.

Here's some of what I'm angry about:

1. Having to hide who I really was all my life - conform to a heterosexual norm
2. Having to use every ounce of emotional energy I had to appear "normal" at the cost of everything else in my life
3. The journey through christianity in the hope that it would "cure" me
4. Investing 45 years of my life into a belief system that brought nothing but shame and guilt
5. Realising that same belief system is nothing more than a man made set of doctrines
6. Realising I've been manipulated and controlled by a religious system that did the exact opposite of what it claimed - and being completely blind to it all my life
7. Deprived of ever having experienced a real mutually loving romantic relationship for 45 years
8. Seeing the same belief system cause untold pain and suffering in millions of others

And that's not the half of it!


I thought over the last 5 years I've been sorting it all out pretty well, and on a intellectual level I certainly have. Even emotionally I've processed a lot of stuff. But lately I've discovered the anger is deeper than I thought. It's that incessant feeling of "I've been ripped off all my life and it's too late to do anything about it".

Of course I know all the valuable lessons I've learned, all the clichés, platitudes and truisms, and intellectually I can reassure myself that it was worth it all. But I've unconsciously tried to suppress the anger - and even thought it was done and dusted and I could move on to a better life.

Nooo, I was deceived! As I research more about religion and its impact on not only LGBT people but humanity in general, I feel an anger, and a repulsion towards christianity (and ALL religions) in a way that's hard to describe.

Sure, I know there are millions of good loving people who bring their own love into a doctrinally bankrupt belief system and turn it around for good. But I'm still angry at the whole thing. I never want to set foot in a church again.

Yes, my understanding of spirituality is now so much bigger and all embracing and loving than I ever would have thought possible.

But I'm still angry - deep down angry. And I think that's ok. If I suppress it I'm really doing the same thing religion always wanted me to do. If I explode with it all, I risk damaging others. So I'm learning to express it, being aware that others could get hurt, but also aware that in sharing my hurt and anger, others will realise that they too have lived lives of abuse and deception that need to be opened up and drained like an infected wound.

Being "real" is something very few of us are good at. It's scary - to ourselves and everyone else. But I'm beginning to think that the world will be a far better place when we all understand what being real actually is, and we can do it "safely". (and that's a whole other blog).

Relationships With No Agenda

This is a great comment on love relationships. So simple and yet deeply profound, and more difficult to live than we would care to believe.
Full article here...

Masculine vs feminine

(This is a repost from my Silent Gays blog)

One of the most confusing and misunderstood areas about sexuality and gender are the core concepts of masculinity and femininity. Even amongst LGBT people there is often confusion!

The general stereotype says you are either an effeminate gay or butch lesbian, and the other stuff is just too hard to understand.

One of the confusing issues is how we relate the body (physical gender) with the psyche (the mental aspects). Masculinity and femininity are fluid concepts that are not confined to one particular body. We all know guys who exhibit feminine qualities to some degree and women who show some masculinity.

We could define the typical masculine psyche as tough, decisive, pursuing achievement and status, self reliant, aggressive etc. The feminine could be defined as gentle, thoughtful, caring, nurturing, sensitive etc (Wikipedia gives a very thorough breakdown of masculinity and femininity).

So for LGBT people there is a heck of a lot of stereotyping in all this, especially as far as the heteronormative understanding is involved. Traditionally gay guys are supposed to be very effeminate and lesbians are supposed to be butch. Of course the reality is nothing of the sort, but obviously it’s easier to differentiate an effeminate guy from the crowd and assume he’s gay, and the same with macho women- they stand out.

The problem is that its a continuum (sliding scale) – everyone on this planet has a mix of the masculine/feminine psyche, irrespective of their sexual attraction or gender identity!

So just because you may be attracted to the same sex doesn’t mean you are obliged to behave a certain way. There are gay guys who are really macho – fitting the classic masculine psyche, and there are lesbian women who are 100% feminine. You would never know they are “same sex attracted” from how they appear or act.

Even transgender people can be somewhere on the masculine/feminine continuum. For example, a guy could identify as a female in terms of gender, but still have a high degree of masculinity, and the inverse with a woman. Basically I’m saying everyone is different.

This can become a problem when, for example, a young guy “comes out’, but due to his exposure to the stereotypes he assumes that being gay means going to gay bars, watching drag shows and acting feminine. This can be hugely damaging and cause a lot of deep conflict for a guy, who may simply want to live an average male life with an average male partner. Sadly, even the pressure from within the LGBT community itself can be a problem.

We need to let go of every stereotype! We are ALL somewhere on the continuum of sexual attraction, gender identity, gender expression, and even physical gender attributes (Intersex)! There simply isn’t the “gay or straight” box that people get locked into.

We still have a lot to learn, and we need the freedom to find where we fit in. That freedom needs to be from society as a whole and just as importantly, from within the LGBT community itself. Fortunately times are changing, and fast! Let’s give each other the freedom to be our true selves.

What the F#$%* is love?

The more I observe, the more I realise that despite everyone talking about love, there's not that much consensus on what it actually is and how we do it.

There's a lot of commercial and media hype around it of course - always has been. But that's just about the "feeling", sex etc. We all kinda know that (hopefully).

When we sit down and have deeper conversations (or full on abuse sessions on Facebook, lol) it seems that all is ok until we have to apply it to real life. That's where the shit hits the fan so to speak.

So where do we start?

I guess the "golden rule" - Treat everyone as you want to be treated - is the most universal concept of love that every religion holds central (ignoring the fact that they also have many ways to get around it). It's a wonderful truth that we can't ignore, it hits at the heart of our humanity. Think about how you want to be treated in any given situation, and simply reverse the roles. It's easy to comprehend, profound in its impact, and is a blow to our ego in it's worst moments. This makes it far harder than we often care to admit.

Christianity has it nicely nailed in the (apparent) writings of Paul:
1 Cor 13: ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
.....faith, hope, love, but the greatest of these is love.

We read this and get to about verse 5 and think cool yeah, I got that.. but then there's "keeps no records of wrongs", "never dishonours", "always protects, trusts, etc". This all starts to look like a hippy new age conspiracy. We tend to think of it as a nice ideal but rather impractical.

But how do WE want to be treated in ANY situation? Say we do something really wrong, stuff up big time, even to the point of damaging someone else's life. We are stuck, possibly in shame or grief, or maybe in denial. Our lives have stopped at that point (to greater or lesser degrees) not knowing how to move on. We want to be forgiven, we need someone, somehow to say, "that was horrific! - now how can I help you clean up the mess and move forward?" And we want them to help us with no judgement, just to accept that we blew it big time and now need to do whatever we can to grow, to avoid it again, to make amends - whatever is needed.

Love says, "OK lets apply this both ways - to everyone around us". Living like this requires patience, kindness, lack of envy and pride, no dis-honouring and always cool headed, not keeping records of crap, protecting, trusting, hoping, preserving".

I get angry when I see harm caused to so many in so many ways. I get angry at the really stupid and "evil" things people do. I get angry at bigotry in any form. I lash out at people, wanting them to be punished for their actions. I get angry with me! We so easily let the emotion take over the need. Of course, we must not live in denial of the emotions, we have to work with them, through them, shaping them and growing out of them.

We are all victims and perpetrators throughout our lives in some way or another. The problem becomes living the love we need to overcome being either!

Rape, life, love

We label people by their worst acts.

We declare a person to BE a Rapist
[this doesn't just apply to rape of course - you can add any other labels here]

When a line is crossed, within whatever social/moral/ethical standards we define, a person becomes the label. Their entire value as a human is reduced to the label.

Rape.

Now here's where I'm treading on thin ice.

Firstly, I think any form of violation towards a person, be it physical, emotional, whatever, is wrong. It comes from a place of uncontrolled ego, lack of respect, compassion and empathy etc, but mostly a lack of love. Whatever the reason it's unjustifiable.

But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about how we define someone who has committed that sort of violation. We no longer accept them as someone who has done something really bad, but are willing to love them through it and help them confront the issue and the root causes. They have become the act - someone who has raped becomes a "rapist". They are no longer a complex human full of hurt, pain, desire, emotions, all shaped by a lifetime of experiences, upbringing, social context etc. They have simply become a rapist (or paedophile etc), no longer a person of any worth or value, they are now exclusively defined by their crime. They have become an object of hatred - a focal point of evil.

With all the respect, compassion and empathy due to victims of abuse/violation in any form, to take away someone's intrinsic humanity and replace it with a label that becomes a life sentence - a slow death fuelled by other people's need for revenge, justice, retribution, disgust and hatred - makes us no better than the abuser.

I'm also not talking about the impact on the victim, or the need to perhaps remove an abuser from society to keep others safe. This is all about perception and the value of every single life, no matter who they are or what they've done.

Do you know why forgiveness and love are constantly regarded as the most powerful things we can bring to this world? Because they are the only things that bring real change. You want to change a rapist? Love them, after all, the only reason they rape is because they don't understand love. If we demonstrate love in deep practical and powerful ways we will see it bring change. If we demonstrate revenge, hatred, and remove a person's humanity, we bring death. Unfortunately, many victims actually want that, and I can genuinely understand that! I know many victims who have deep lifelong scars from abuse. But that still doesn't change the fact that love brings life, and every single human being deserves life.

Stop the labels
Stop spreading hate
It takes effort, a lot of effort, to live loved. It's the "narrow road".
It takes no effort to condemn someone to death.
It takes a lot of effort to exercise concern, empathy.
It takes no effort to judge and demand retribution.

Again, to ALL victims of abuse of any form - I get it, I really do, the affect is devastating and deep. But what are we going to do about it? How are we going to bring life to EVERYONE out of pain of abuse - not just the victim.

"Live loved" = not just an empty platitude!

Dear bigoted, fundamentalist, homophobic christians...

Now that I have your attention, allow me to elaborate.

Have you ever noticed that if you pull someone up for something negative (especially online), most of the time they assume you're are making a derogatory comment about their value as a human being. They instantly think you are being personally slanderous.

If I say to someone that their comment is bigoted, most assume that I'm calling them a bigot, in the sense that I've just described their entire worth in one word. And yet all I'm saying is the comment or attitude that they have displayed in a particular context is bigoted.

There is also the whole issue of generalisations. I could say that most fundamentalist christians are close minded and refuse to listen to anything outside their set of dogmas. Once again, generalisations are exactly that - general statements that aren't meant to imply any personal defamation to an individual. It's simply a statement that describes a common mindset.

What I'm trying to say is that any particular mindset or opinion you may have about something  doesn't define your entire character or value as a human being. It may be an opinion that really sucks and needs to be challenged, but it still isn't who you are.

I have friends who I constantly have digs at for their particular views on something, but that doesn't devalue their humanity - their worth, the years of life experience, pain and suffering, joys, heartaches - all the things that make them humans like you and me!

Let's try to stop taking offence so easily and actually listen to people. If someone calls you a right wing conservative fundamentalist homophobic misogynist racist, it simply means they have reacted to that particular part of your life paradigm. It's what they've seen presented in a conversation or comment, a post or meme. And yes, often people get carried away and really do think your entire worth is contained in one viewpoint, but try to remember that they don't know you - they don't know everything that has made you who you are right now. They are reacting to that part of you that has been presented to them.

When you respond to people, be careful to clarify that it's the comment that may be the problem, NOT them as equal and fallible humans. The comment only represents a small part of their life paradigm. Instead of saying "you are a bigot", make it clear that "your comment was bigoted". Notice the difference? It's huge! And make sure that they understand the difference too!

It's all about love really - empathy and respect. And no, I don't always get it right myself, and lose my cool, but I'm also quick (hopefully) to apologise when I realise what I've done.

Living loved is what it's all about, and remember, you can always politely just "walk" away.