Let's Talk About Anal Sex

I talk to a lot of people about being gay, especially christians. Once you cut through all the religious doctrinal rubbish you usually end up with "the yuck factor".

This is the dreaded anal sex - yes, in the end this is what it comes down to far too many people. There's even a new group that call themselves "g0ys", (who despite some good intentions suffer from ignorance of the full nature of sexuality and gender, and engage in active bigotry towards LGBT people) and are pro homosexuality but anti anal sex as well as anything that suggests the slightest hint of breaking out of gender stereotyping.

But what IS the deal here? The most recent U.S. data from a national representative sample comes from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG), which was conducted on over 12,000 men and women aged 15 to 44. Results show that 34 percent of men and 30 percent of women reported engaging in anal sex at least once *. This is certainly an eyebrow raiser because we aren't talking about gay people here!

Other stats say around 90% of gay men practice it, some less, but generally at least 80%. Other stats on straight women say about 11 to 15% regularly practice anal sex. Whatever the figures, it's not just a small minority.

Is it safe? Is it yuckie? Is it pleasurable? Why do we even care?

As with ANY form of sexual contact it has it's risks. There are links to anal cancer etc, but what most people don't realise is that the research assumes that all gay guys engage in rough, unprotected sex every night of the week with a different partner - something that far too many accept as a stereotype. The truth is that it's as safe as you make it. If you clean yourself first, all good. Clean up after, all good - basic stuff really.

Yuckie? I can see why people think that because that's the hole where the crap comes out. Of course the semen comes out of the whole where the urine comes out, but we don't think about that. Again, it's all a matter of what we've been conditioned to thin rather than any reality.

Pleasurable? Most guys find it great, not all, but most. This is because it directly stimulates the prostate gland. It gets a nice stimulating massage during the whole process and it can be pretty good. Some guys don't like it and that's fine. No one is forcing anyone else to like it (well, they shouldn't). Many women like it as well. It's just one of those sexual experiences that you either like or don't.

Do we even care? This is the crunch! Why the hell do we care what other people do in their bedrooms? How does it affect YOU? If your gay neighbours are having anal sex, exactly how does that affect your life? If you are spouting religious reasons, really, what do we care what your interpretations of some ancient tribal writings say? I know it's very important to many people, but if that's your views, then you are actively involved in killing people. Religious views are the primary cause of mental illness that directly causes chronic depression and suicide - at alarming rates.

So if your opinions come down to gay people having anal sex, perhaps you should give it a go yourself!

Love Killer

How christianity killed my ability to love

Now there's a provocative title for you!

Here's the story...

I've found an amazing guy who loves me to bits, just as I am. He's caring and romantic and, well that's not the real issue here.

The problem is me. You see, when I was young, my christian beliefs made it impossible for me to love someone. Sure I could love a woman, but being gay, this was rather a tall order. Of course I tried, and was married twice to amazing women, but them being women and me being gay, well, it was never going to work.

But there were a couple of guys I fell for, and one of them big time. My heart was bursting with love, not just physical, real love, passion, romance - everything they write about in Mills and Boon novels (not that I've ever read one).

I could never act on that love though. We could never be free to express it, because the church, the bible, christianity, religion, said it was sin. It said love between two guys was a sickness and God hated it.

So I shut it down, with every ounce of emotional strength I could muster. I then married my second wife, and together we did everything we could to live straight christian lives. I put all my energy into loving my wife. I learned how to do romantic things and to make love. I did my best, and believed that God would honour it and eventually make me straight.

But of course that never happened, and she died never being loved by me in the way we had hoped.

So now after four years I've found this guy and I'm scared, in a deep but subtle way. It's so hard to give myself to him. Even though I now know the christian view of sexuality is completely stuffed, its done its damage. The scar is deep and I have to now fight to undo the fear.

I find myself backing off, not wanting to talk, avoiding contact, not wanting to respond to his love (and I'm not talking about sex here) - because I've spent all my life suppressing that love, denying it, fighting it - so that now I'm finally free to enjoy real love, I find that the mechanisms of response are shut down.

Yes christianity - you did this! Some will say it was religion rather than christianity, but no. After living this for over 40 years, I can say without hesitation it was the very core principles of christian doctrines that killed love in me. "Religion" just made it worse!

Reparative therapy, done by one of the most deeply christian organisations, screwed the last drop of romantic love out of me, shut up my deepest emotions and crippled my heart.

Oh, I'm learning the depths of unconditional love for humanity, seeing God in all, in ways that are mind blowing. But to love another human with sensual love and romance, well, that's shut down.

I'm now on the journey of finding the keys to open it again. I have an amazing man who is helping for now, although that in itself is another complicated story.

It's slowly returning. I'm learning to give my heart again, bit by bit, seeing the places that have gone numb and allowing the blood of life to flow through them.

Christianity makes me angry. Religion even more so. But the God who I'm slowly discovering, the God who is Love - nothing more and nothing less - lifts me above that anger, as I let it. And sometimes that's a little hard!

Being a "man"

There's so much around these days about what it means to be a man.

There's this image of the prefect man, who creates an environment for women to become perfectly "whole", kids to become perfectly fulfilled and for society in general, to be blessed by their masculinity.

Men must be men! We have a blueprint for the perfect man and if we don't fit that blueprint then we are a failure, not only creating dysfunctional families but even worse, mocking God, who created very clear boundaries for what a man is supposed to be.

Reality check!

There is a gender/sexuality continuum.
There are two types of "psyche" (for want of a better word) that define certain characteristics as masculine or feminine.

The masculine is described as strong, decisive, objective etc...
The feminine is described as emotional, sensitive, empathic etc...
We are very familiar with these concepts.

However, to associate these characteristics with particular genitals is nothing more than a social construct. Sure, lots of humans with penises like football and are strong and aggressive. And lots of humans with vaginas are soft and caring.

But here's the glitch - countless humans, irrespective of their genitals and hormones, display a broad mix of masculine and feminine traits. Many humans with penises are emotional and sensitive - they love to support others with compassion and empathy - they are nurturing, and empathic... And lots of vagina and breast endowed humans love to rough it up, take charge, be confident and assertive, and play football. In fact most humans have a completely random mix of these qualities in various quantities.

But society/culture and especially religion, consistently creates stereotypes that force the "psyche" attributes to fit the physical attributes. This is probably one of the most tragic things society has suffered!

Humans are supposed to deny who they are at the deepest level, in all its amazing and beautifully unique complexity, to become stereotypes, as defined by religious definitions.

Our genitals DO NOT DEFINE US. We are who we are!

If you have a penis and experience "feminine" traits, then guess what - you are a perfect human! If you have breasts and like "masculine" things, then you too are a human - perfect just as you are.

I am a gay man. I love having a penis and have no desire for anything physically feminine (I mean breasts are just yucky). But I have a few feminine qualities, and definitely lack the "macho" needed to enjoy footy.

So why do I need to be anything different? Why does anyone need to adopt a gender based role to be a "whole" and fully functional human? Why is some perfect balance of masculine/feminine the ideal that all humanity must strive for to create a perfect society that pleases god?

If all of us are free to simply be who we are in every way - and by free I mean that we are accepted as equal, valued and valid members of society - then we  will also be free to contribute all we are to the richness of humanity.

To demand that "men" be masculine and women be "feminine" is to deny the very character of god and all that we are as unique and wonderful creations.

I've seen first hand the tragic damage caused by forcing men and women into gender stereotypes. It's time to grow up, and become exactly as we are created to be.

LGBT - the real stats

Just how many people are gay?

The whole issue over people being gay or straight is a nightmare! Especially from the religious viewpoint, but also in society as a whole.

It's traditionally been firmly categorised as "gay" or "not gay", and that's it. The other strange anomalies such as bisexual or transgender are either completely ignored or regarded as some even worse perversion.

There's the standard LGBT descriptor (lesbian, gay bi, trans, and some other variations). And then there's all the other labels of Queer, Pansexual, Gender fluid, Asexual, etc, to say nothing of some cultural variations such as Fa'afafine of the Pacific Islands, and so many other indigenous and tribal variations, that all try to categorise, label and box any deviation from heterosexual.

Click on the image to see it full size

The reality of sexuality and gender is far bigger than we imagine, or care to admit. Here is a diagram that tries to explain it in as simple terms as possible, although even this misses some finer points (there are more complex versions of this image but we'll stick with this for now).

We are ALL at different places on this spectrum, yep, every single one of us. The reality is, no two people are the same. There is no simple straight or gay! Although many people may be at far ends of one spectrum, they may be further up the scale on another. It's just not black and white!

Now here is where the statistics about how many people are gay come unstuck. There are many surveys and a lot of research conducted to get a handle on this, and nearly all of it is intrinsically flawed. They work on the assumption that people are gay or straight.

But it gets worse! Only 2% of the general population (allowing for cultural demographics) actually identify as "gay" or homosexual. That may not be publicly, but in terms of the anonymity of research, that's the figure.

But other research has been done on a much broader scale that says up to 25% of the population has experienced some sort of interest and experimentation outside of the heterosexual norm. The problem is, most people, are somewhere on the spectra in the above diagram, so they have the ability to adjust and adapt to heteronormative society and expectations without much difficulty.

It's estimated that around 10% are actually close enough to the gay end of things to be unable to fully adapt to heterosexual stereotypes and cultural expectations.

Just think about that for a second - one in ten people have a level of sexual and/or gender identity and expression that could be called "gay" (in generic terms).

And in churches, there is anecdotal evidence that says the number may be higher. This is for the simple reason that many LGBT people look to religion and spirituality in some form to help them understand who they are, and to look for love, acceptance and community.

More often than not, the very place that should offer the most, brings condemnation, guilt, shame and a deep sense of failure, trapped and silently suffering in an insidious, subtle, abusive environment.

We must stop seeing people as gay or straight. We are simply people, who are free to express who we are and love who we love, whoever that may be, in whatever way.

The attitudes of society and the church about LGBT people are consistently based on dramatically incorrect assumptions - assumptions that bring hate, isolation, rejection, abuse, mental illness and even death to millions of beautiful people.

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The Christian guide to loving gays

I just watched a video of an interview between Steve McVey and an "ex-gay" guy, Willy somebody...

It was really interesting, mostly because of Steve being a "hyper grace" teacher (of course there is no such thing as too much grace and I don't think Steve goes far enough at all, but that's another story).

The gist of Willy's testimony was basically, after being brought up a highly performance orientated christian, who's whole life and acceptance by God was based on how well he behaved, he discovered God's unconditional grace and love and it changed his life and filled him so full of love that he simply lost his need for romantic/sexual relationships with men and now only saw them as brothers. Indeed he now sees people as beyond male or female and loves the spirit.

Now that is something I totally agree with. We should be loving the spirit of every person equally no matter what their sexuality or gender. But there was one huge glaring hole in the interview that was neatly ignored (well a few actually...).

He never mentioned if he still found himself attracted to men at all, or if he was now attracted to women instead, and Steve neglected to ask this. But even more interesting is I can only assume he is now asexual! It seems he has completely decided to ignore and repress
something that is intrinsically part of every human. He (and many others like him) have decided that sex is simply an earthly worldly thing and ultimately, living in God's love exceeds that physical love in every way, thus making it sort of redundant.

I totally get that. I used to think that myself, and in some way still do. I think it really is a mark of spiritual growth to be able to see beyond the sexual.

BUT... God created us as physical sexual beings. We are intrinsically sexual and even the bible has lots of romantic/sexual imagery relating to our relationship to God and each other. Every culture holds romantic sex as something sacred that expresses deep spiritual truths and unites us in deep profound ways. To be asexual really is a rare "gift", if it can even be called a gift. Perhaps for some the journey to deeper spirituality can be hindered by earthly sexuality so they genuinely manage to leave it behind. But the longer I live, the more I see this as a very, very rare thing.

So basically the idea, according to Willy and Steve, is to be gracious and loving to those of us who embrace the sin so that eventually God's love will fill us to the point where we no longer desire it. We don't condone the sin/lifestyle but unconditionally love the person.

There were many comments on the video thread. Everybody had their opinions about how this worked, and of course there was always the assumption that being LGBT is a sin that must be treated like any other. There was even a long discussion by some people about "gayness" being a physical neurological condition, which medical science is supporting now, but then they assumed that it was a physical abnormality that needed healing like any other disease.

But it always comes back to the assumptions that any variation or departure from the "one man - one woman" doctrine is sin. The bible says so and that's it, end of story. That is the root of the issue for christians (and fundies of all persuasions). Its really pointless discussing anything outside of that premise.

The bible, no matter what we think of it, has been the source of more atrocities, hatred, bigotry and evil the world has ever seen. Sure, there are good things in it if you choose to see them (and many have and do), but we still just don't get it. We cannot "live by the bible", it doesn't work, because we will forever twist it to make it say what we want - always - and we are no better now than we were 1000 years ago. We can pull out the nice bits, but we can't even agree on what the nice bits are!!

So all these patronising christians saying we love our LGBT brothers and sisters, and we'll simply pour out God's love and let him sort out their sin - can take a running jump.

Being LGBT is not "sin". All that matters is that we live, with all we are and do, as love. If I have a loving caring relationship with another man, that brings the "fruit" of love to each of us, and everyone around us, then that's all that matters. If anything we do brings love, then keep doing it.

I challenge any christian to explain to me how having a loving, caring romantic/sexual relationship with someone of the same sex is wrong.

Well??