Sunday, 12 November 2017

Gay vs Gay

I write this with a certain amount of fear that too many will take offence without looking at the real issues. I welcome constructive discussion on his matter however, as it's something that affect our community quite deeply.

There's a quiet "in-house"  discrimination amongst gay guys (in fact, its amongst all the LGBT community, but I'll leave that for another blog).

Here's an example of the problem

In it's simplest form it comes down to masculine gays not liking effeminate gays. On the surface, it seems like a basic need for tolerance and acceptance, as stated in the article link above. But I think there are much deeper issues involved.

There is the simple issue of the type of person we like. We all have preferences for a partner, from hair colour down to personality and character. This is perfectly valid and should not be an issue in the slightest. However, when we impose our personal preferences as a judgement onto others we have crossed the line into discrimination and bigotry.

But there's another reason why so many of the more "masculine" gays don't like the feminine ones. Sadly there is a generalisation that femme guys are petty and bitchy.

There's a reason we have generalisations - they are mostly true, and as a result tend to be applied to all who fit the general description.

Personally, I hate pettiness, gossip, backstabbing and bitchiness in anyone, and have very little time for it. One thing I've noticed as I interact with the broad LGBT community, is that femme guys in particular display these characteristics far too often, to the point of being predictable. I hate it with a passion! And I have to admit it puts me on guard whenever I meet effeminate guys. I don't want to, and I genuinely want to assume the best of every person I meet.

But despite my best intentions, time after time, effeminate guys seem to see the world through the lens of petty gossip.

As I said this is a generalisation, and I give my sincere apologies to all those beautiful people who don't fit this picture. I also have to say that in spite of this, I genuinely see the best in people and choose to exercise empathy to everyone. I will never discriminate against anyone. But I will choose the level of interaction I have with people in the interest of healthy boundaries.

So... after saying all this, what are we to do? Why is this so prevalent?

Lets look at it without involving sexuality or gender. If you met someone who was into belittling, gossiping and generally being shallow and self absorbed, would you avoid them and leave them to it? Straight girls... if you have a friend who is like that, you tend to avoid them for your own mental health. We all do!

This is the crux of the matter. An effeminate gay guy can be fun loving and absolutely beautiful. They can be caring and deeply compassionate, full of empathy and a great confidant. But there are many who you know you simply would not trust.

This really comes down to the personal paradigms of so many effeminate gays who have allowed themselves to be defined by their insecurities, abuse and rejection. These produce the underlying fears that result in this sort of behaviour. It's a problem that we desperately need to address, with compassion and unconditional love - not judgement and more rejection.

We really are a persecuted minority and we must support each other, but we must also be realistic and have the guts to examine our own biases and paradigms.

We are bigger than this. We must learn to love, to validate each other and ourselves.

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