It's Life Jim... - excerpt Ch 7

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After finishing the internship with Vineyard, we continued to be very involved with Living Waters, even though we didn’t do church as such any more. We both participated regularly in the 26 week course they run. Over the next few years either Min, myself or both of us, would lead the worship at the beginning of the meetings and were then either participants or assistant leaders in the small groups.

Up to this point, life had been a continual battle of hopelessness, confusion, depression,shame, anxiety, you name it. Marriage was a constant exercise in fear. Although I still loved Min as a person, the effort of trying to be a straight husband was tearing me apart. I think she understood to a degree, and often called me asexual, simply because I had to turn off any sexuality in order to survive.
But it produced a very difficult dynamic, and a sense of continual disappointment in both of us.

Who else?

(For Min)

Just when you thought,
I know you, but I don’t - we don’t.
I think I’m comfortable, but stretch me,
But you are here for more than that
My anchor
Inspirer
Patient lover
Who else would bleed for me like you?
Sacrifice so much...
See through me, love me, by my side
My poppy blown in the wind, but strong and tall –
Trampled by my thoughtless feet,
But nurtured to blossom bright again
by the tender handed Gardner
A bruised reed – unbroken
Your eyes open me, melt me, expose me, fill me
Who else could there be?
Who else could be there?

I kept a journal off and on over the years. I would start with lots of passion and determination to pour out my heart so that I could look back and thank God for the progress in my life, but it ended up a never ending exercise in depression.Simply flicking back to older entries sent me spiralling downhill, seeing that nothing ever changed. The same battles, the same pseudo victories, the same positive self-talk, the same disillusionment, the same defeat and depression –in never ending cycles. Someone said doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result was actually insanity! Well, I guess I was insane!

I’d look back over all the endless sermon notes, all meaningless christianese jargon that had absolutely no correlation to what was going on inside me.

My poor family had to bear the brunt of my depression, and I’m amazed at how well my son has survived through it all! He was dragged from pillar to post, through boring meetings, intense groups, music rehearsals and services. And he survived our endless arguments, and my angry outbursts of frustration. I must say that he has grown into an amazingly strong young man with a big heart.