You read all the books and try to discipline yourself to do all the things that will bring you closer to God and empower you to live that awesome life the bible talks about. But it's a battle full of self doubt, all the classic stuff - that they talk about in all the books. Maybe I missed something in all those books?
You know, I could go on trying to do Christianity, and do a reasonably good job at it. Most of us, who have been doing it for a while, know enough about grace and forgiveness and love and righteousness to live a passable life. We could even do all the stuff Jesus says to do and feed the poor and look after the widows - really good stuff. We could cast out demons and heal the sick - he said we should do that too. Hmm, that's a tricky one. I've read lots of books about that and had a good go at it at times. But there seems to be a few problems...
Doesn't always work is the main one. Feeding the poor always works, and looking after the widows works too, but the other stuff gets really mixed results. If He said we should heal the sick (that's heal the sick - not just pray for them) surely he would give us the means to do it? The bible said he has - "by his stripes (physical wounds he received) we are healed", not might be healed, or could be if we do the right things, or pray enough, but are healed. So I must still be missing the point here.
Now I know I've opened up a very large can of horrible little squirmy things. That why there are so many books written about it. But not many of them really get to the nitty gritty of it - we either are healed, like Jesus said, or we aint. so the real question is how do we get it?
There's a lot of teaching about the kingdom of God being "now and not yet", an awesome concept to cover all the missing bits that don't happen yet, like peace on earth, healing, complete authority over the devil and all his works and so on. The kingdom of God is here, but not in it's fullness yet. We are still learning to "do" it. It's a tidy idea and a good piece of theology that fixes up the problems we seem to have with Jesus commands. But Jesus didn't actually say it anywhere, not really. He said a lot about "you got it - no get out there and do it". Yes there are some that "only come out with prayer and fasting" - and I think we night have taken that to mean whole lot more than He did.
So I think about how I can figure this out, I mean, I've taken a long time over this and read lots of books and tried lots of things. The conclusion? Get to know God better! Easy - ish. If I knew Him better, I mean really knew how he feels about things, about how to do things and his love for me and everyone else - everything really, Then there wouldn't be a problem cos He'd tell me what to do when I needed to do it. That way I can't possibly go wrong. I suppose He wouldn't tell me everything though because we have to find things out for ourselves. Sort of look at what He's told us already and figure things out from that. He hasn't hidden anything from us - He's hidden them for us to find (thanks to Bill Johnson for that one). This builds faith as I trust Him. But if I don't really know Him enough I'll never properly figure anything out for myself. The only solution left that I can see is having some sort of on going intense, real, personal encounter with Him. One that builds our relationship, cements the realisation beyond a doubt that he loves me and always wants the best for me, and gives me such a lasting longing for more of Him that I can truly be confident in all I do.
Now that would change everything! A real, tangible encounter with the God who created everything. Then I would know He was with me all the time - I could turn to Him and take His hand when I felt fragile - He'd give me hope and direction when I needed it - I'd know His voice so well because I would have heard Him, felt Him, experienced Him. And I could heal all the sick and have total authority over all the works of the enemy - just like he said I would.
And He promised this sort of relationship is for EVERY believer - now all I have to do is figure out why I'm not quite there yet...
1) I dunno Jimmy. Lately everything ive been reading in scripture has been reinforcing the idea that all growth, all closeness to God, all miracles, love and charity - in fact - all good things - are derived directly from God and not by any effort or struggle on my part to bring them about.
ReplyDeleteThat sort of ties in with my horrible sense of futility; that no matter what i do or what i desire everything is out of my hands completely. Unless the Lord builds the house they that labour do so in vain. That kind of thing. So i sit here feeling impotent and, while not being angry with God (though I know He can handle it even if i was), wondering what the point of trying to do anything is.
I mean, if i cannot, by my own agency grow closer to Him, or achieve things, or have goals or even consider myself worthy of love or companionship or speak about Him in love in order to give Him glory then what is the point of even living?
The point that i always miss, and which, being an extremely slow learner, still eludes me moment by moment is that God says that all things work together for good for those in Christ Jesus. I miss that He has plans for me, plans for good and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope. I miss that in him I live and move and have my being. Instead what i decide is that in the absence of happiness or joy or knowing the right answers or miracles or even progress that MY world is stuffed, that I am missing something, that its ME who is the problem. That I should be doing more- or just doing SOMETHING. So in the absence of miracles - and even in the absence of tiny everyday good things - i despair. And then i make plans. And then the plans dont turn out to look anything like the original plans. So i despair again.
But if i wasnt missing those things i miss, if i could see them in every moment i would know that the Lord remembers that I am but dust. I would know that though my spirit is willing that my flesh is weak. I would be still and know that He is God and that He will do what He said He will do.
2) Is my perspective flawed in this? Am i missing something major?
ReplyDeleteI used to believe that walking with God was a kind of partnership in which I walked and God would nudge me left or right as to where I was to walk and how i was to walk. Now i believe that God doesnt nudge. If He is the King of this kingdom to which we belong then He calls all the shots regardless of our own desires or dreams or hopes or perception. If He is the King then it is in my best interests to let my own desires die - no matter how good or well intentioned they are - and just float on the river of His will. Like a piece of flotsam? I dunno. I dont think He made us to be flotsam because He still wants us to pray and ask Him for things. He still presents us with circumstances in which we must act.
But perhaps making my will subject to His is to be willing to be a piece of flotsam. Perhaps that old saying 'the Lord helps those who help themselves' is a fib. Perhaps we are called only to adhere to those two commandments that Jesus gave, to love God with all our heart and mind and soul and to love one another as He loved us. Is it that simple? I mean, its so simple that its hard. Wheres the ME in this? Where do i get whats MINE? Where do I get taken care of? Wheres what I want dammit?
And theres the rub - for me at least. I'm still all about Me and the more i strive and struggle to die to myself the more i keep looking for a pat on the head or a reward. I keep looking for what I want to be given to me because Ive been a good boy. But i cant impress God. I cant score any brownie points with Him because its not about being better or doing better; its about accepting that He knows what He's doing regardless of my desires and that His will WILL be done. And again, i despair. I despair of myself because I want what I want and cannot or will not grasp that all His plans are much better than mine and that He wants more good for me than I can fathom.
So I ask again - is there a flaw in all this argument? Yes, Jesus said we would heal the sick and raise the dead and do amazing things but isnt that all dependant on what God wants for the moment? If His life in us is about untangling the vast web of deception and evil that keep us apart from Him then dont we have to trust, even if our own desires are dashed and even if bad things happen and we cant figure out why, that His will is still being done?
I dunno Jimmy. Im not smart enough or experienced enough to say. I am something of a double minded man at present. But what I want is to be able to embrace and accept life as it unfolds as being the will of the Father. I want to be able to say 'yes, i'll be your piece of flotsam even though i want to be more than that and want to have the world revolve around my desires. I want to be your piece of flotsam though i do not know where the river runs or what dangers or sights lay ahead. I want to be your piece of flotsam though most of the time i do not trust you and i believe i know what is better for me and everyone than You appear to.'
Tell me if im wrong Jimmy. I dont trust myself to know what is right or wrong.
Dear Tonto,
ReplyDeleteI strangely understand what you are saying - hopefully - but I think I do!
The balance between striving and acceptance entangled with a deep dissatisfaction with my personal status quo and the churches expectations and my perception of what God wants for me, my family, the church. I get torn between the prophetic views of what God is doing in the big picture (the whole church, revival, end times...) and the the little picture that is the mess of my life.
The main factors that end up keeping me going? The undeniable truths:
that the more I strive to get "it" right, the worse it gets
the yearning for love and intamacy that exists in my heart
the lives of greatest impact in scripture were those that had a personal encounter with the living God that left them "undone" in some way
I could easily drify into a form af fatalism if not for the thought that I know God wants to partner with me. He wants to give me all I need to work with him: his love, compassion, power, wisdom, and the ability to make decissions (shudder). I am more and more convinced that if I am close to him (even if its just the desire and not the actual being there) then the desires of my heart (the everyday things, the dreams, projects etc) are the very things he wants me to do - its something to do with the saying "love God and do whatever you want" - very profound statement.
The problem though is I get very tired, mentaly and spiritually, sometimes it becomes physical too. The battle of the mind is hugely draining and leaves me numb, wanting to find a little corner and go nigh nigh. But there is hope, always hope, and I sort of get that those of us who go through these things have a special place (don't mean that quite how it sounds, but I think you know what I mean), the longer the time in the fire the more of a beautiful vessel we will be made into!