Its been some time since my last post. I've attempted a followup many times only to end up scrapping it.
The last few months have stretched me to the limits and I've had a chance to really think about and apply my Theory. It comes down to this: If I don't have an intimate friendship with God based on the absolute freedom given to me by Jesus Crucifixion and Resurrection, then I have nothing.
Nothing sounds a little extreme but that is really the truth. I tend to end up applying a principle or method to a situation to get a result. I can see what the bible says about a particular problem and apply all the right principles and expect the right result. The scary thing is, it works most of the time. If I apply all the principles of blessings and curses in the Old Testament (not just the Mosaic law but stuff in Psalms and Proverbs etc - good stuff that makes sense, I'll live a good life and be blessed. But will I walk in the power and wisdom that comes from knowing my loving Father as a friend/lover/master/brother? Will I hear the whisper of His loving voice guiding and directing in every step of my life? Will I know without a doubt then when he says "pray for that guy and he will be healed" that he will? Can I live a truly miraculous life doing greater things than Jesus did (which he said we would)?
I don't want to live a good life and just do the good things we are supposed to do. I have tasted enough intimacy with God to be spoiled for anything else. When I was first "saved" as a teenager, it was totally amazing. I only knew the Anglican church and yet I was overwhelmed by this amazing God who lived a miraculous life in Jesus and poured out his love and power, for us to do the same, into his church. I was spoilt for it from day 1.
So I can hardly pray sometimes because its just a ritual - a good ritual, I know all the right things to do and I know God hears me. Its not like there's anything wrong as such - its just not good enough, not like I'm relating intimately to a lover, or confiding in my oldest bestest friend, or cuddling into my daddy's arms and just resting there feeling loved. And yet this is what the bible screams at me every time I read it. Its like, this has to be the centrality of my christian life and everything comes from there. I pray something because that's what Father said I should pray, as I sat snuggled on his lap. I help someone because my "best friend" told me that's what they really needed. I actually healed someone because Holy Spirit said that they were ready and all I need to do was lay hands on them. I don't read the bible and do all the good things it says because that's what it says - I do it because I love my Dad so much and I have such an amazing relationship with him that I just wholeheartedly and willingly do the very next thing he says to do without any thought of "doing the right things". I read the bible then to keep me on track, to draw me closer, to pull me back to him if I wander off, to help in the hard times when I can't get close because the pain and circumstances of life get in the way.
I can't go back, I can't live like a good christian. I want to live in his wonderful presence every moment. And the strangest/scariest thing of all, is that's how he wants it and is inviting me to live like it. Its there in his word - all the way through from Genesis to Revelation, and I just keep missing it. Or calling it too hard and/or super spiritual and/or unrealistic. But its the greater reality, and once you taste it, anything else is just compromise and second best.
So that's where I'm at, heart on my sleeve, and a not really adequate description. But this is no sudden thing, its 40 years of a journey that really feels like I've just begun.