What am I?

Sick of labels! Thats what I am!

Sick of having to define myself by a specific belief system - by doctrines, theology, denomination or even a religion.

When I first encountered God, it was outside of any religious structure. It was pure and life giving, with no regard to anything religious. It wasn't even Jesus. It was simply an overwhelming revelation of love and acceptance by God.

The next 40 plus years were spent trying to categorise and analyse that experience, under the guidance and influence of "the church", simply because the closest thing to anything spiritual I could hang this experience on to was the local Anglican church where I played the organ (I was a classical organist in my youth, but that's a whole other story).

It was a journey of shaping and defining that experience, turning it into something tidy and quantifiable. I jumped through every hoop that was put in front of me, but I never found what I was looking for. Nothing ever fit the original encounter.

So here I am, having now spent years unravelling that journey and discovering how useless and irrelevant all that classifying and labelling was - realising how much damage I suffered by trying to adapt to a system of belief that was at complete odds with my core identity in every respect. I'm not talking about sexuality (although that is a whole other story as well) but my identity as a spiritual being. I discovered that a deep cognitive dissonance had eaten away at my whole identity to the point where I had no integrity. I acted out the christian life as prescribed by traditions based on the subjective interpretations of an ancient book.

But my heart knew better. It always has.

It knew about unconditional love. It knew about freedom and peace, joy and compassion. It knew who God is all the time and quietly refused to be manipulated, abused, insulted, humiliated and labeled into a neat conformed package.

So I can now finally feel free to drop the label "christian". Its no longer something I feel comfortable with. Its a label that doesn't describe me in the slightest. In fact, the image associated with that label is basically repulsive to me, although I have tried to maintain an attachment to the label for the sake of maintaining relationships.

So what do I believe?

It changes and grows. There are many core concepts that I find christianity has a wonderful grasp of. But there are many other christian beliefs that simply defy the very nature of the universe, humanity and God himself. I'm not even going to bother listing those things because you will only want to define me by them anyway. And I will continue to do the same to you, although its becoming much easier to look past those beliefs and paradigms to see the human inside, the love inside, God inside.

I have returned to the place God revealed himself to me, and started rebuilding without "christianity". Make of it what you will, call me backslidden or a heretic. But one thing I do have is integrity. I also have a greater sense of love than I've ever known. I no longer get suicidal depression, and genuinely feel a greater love for people.

So there you have it. I'm Jim - not a christian, not a buddhist, not a calvinist or arminian, not Hare Krishna or  new age, or any other age. I'm just Jim on an awesome journey of spiritual discovery.

Searching for Normality

I really don't want this to sound self indulgent, arrogant or patronising in any way, so excuse me if it comes across that way...

I've been thinking a lot about the way we all see things. About how we so easily put ourselves at the centre to the point where we refuse to accept that all we understand could be such a tiny distorted fragment of the truth. We love to find a simple place where we can reshape the universe around us. A place that is comfortable and non-challenging. And then we build up defences to protect that place and end up shooting anyone who comes near. We peer out over the parapets with binoculars that are so encrusted with dust and dirt that all we can see are vague threatening forms as they move closer. We grab our justifications (bibles, favourite teachers, holy books...) and hurl them at the advancing enemies.

Some of us "get it" and others don't.
Some of us seem to see a bigger picture, a much bigger picture.
Some of us can't be complacent with our thoughts and assumptions
Some of us see the ever spiraling complexities of life
Some of us struggle to find coherent integrity of mind, emotion and spirit
Some of us can't stand to live the status quo
Some of us are aware of the deceptions of paradigms and biases
Some of us cannot switch off logic and reason
Some of us cannot stop unraveling things until we find what's at the centre
Some of us realise we may never find what we are looking for
Some of us crave for a higher and deeper and wider understanding of all things
Some of us catch glimpses of the interrelatedness of everything
Some of us lack the expression for our flashes of insight, where every word falls so far short
Some of us see things so differently we wonder why we are here at all
Some of us see love where no one else does
Some of us have hearts that ache from the injustice and pain around us
Some of us give up in frustration
Some of us escape into other places

Why do some people think they've cornered the market on truth
Why do some people fail to recognise that opinions are just that
Why are some people happy in their racism, bigotry and narcissism
Why are so many not even open to growth; spiritually, emotionally or intellectually

So what do those who see the brightness of a bigger world, the security of unconditional love, the joy in the unity of all things and the freedom of life do, in the face of dogma, religion, legalism, close mindedness...

And not just in the church, but all societies, great and small.

Are some of us gifted or cursed? relevant or irrelevant? deceived by pride or humbled by grief?

I don't know, and I hate even thinking about it. some of us would just love to be able to live "normal" lives - whatever that is!

A Quick Look Over My Shoulder

It's been a while since my last blog,  mainly because I've been dealing with two family deaths, and sitting back a little to gather my thoughts.

I've also just been watching, reading, generally getting a feel for what's happening in the Christian/spiritual world.

I stopped today to "look back over my shoulder" and nearly turned onto a pillar of salt!

I have come so far on my journey that when I saw the hidiousness of bible believing fundamentalism, that I spent the best part of my life trying to embrace,  I actually felt sick!

I feel so sad and angry and frustrated that so many still live on that tiny little strangled world of self righteousness, completely ripped off by a religious system. And they actually want that! They want a tidy safe system that provides a list of rules and priciples to live by.

Any way, if you have followed many of my blogs you would be familiar with what I think these days!  God has never been more real, I have never experienced greater love and never felt more free!

Suffice to say, I was shocked at how repulsive it has become to me. And yet, my compassion for those locked in it has grown and it almost feels like my heart is  physically hurting for them.

"Oh you foolish Galatians..."

So, I can't go back, and when I looked even further back over my shoulder, I realized I've always been the one to question the status quo. Guess I have a rebellious spirit, despite all that prayer counseling and deliverance.

Life IN God, God IN me! So simple, so pure, living loved.

Slowmo Tornado

(The relentlessness of life's tragedies)

I knew it was coming
There was warning
We were told the clouds were coming
We stocked up
    I loaded up the bunker and went for a stroll

The last one clawed its way through
    with red eye malice
Talons shredding and shrieking
Oh yes, we heard it coming
But it was darker and meaner
No glimmer of mercy as it thrashed from side to side
Shattering the fragile colours
    the textures, scents, joys
And the lies too
    facades, stuff
All of it

Slowmo tornado

Why do I stay in this land - this tornado belt?
Why do I go back out to look at the devastation?
Why do I rebuild and replant?
Knowing...

Slowly it reaches you
Feet paralysed, staring into wind -
There it is - that feeling,
    weightless, spinning,
    slowly spinning
Watching as the flowers are pulled from the ground
    flailing in the wind with a life of their own

On it goes, and on, in unstoppable slow motion
Until it drops its load
    and I'm left lying in debris, again

No happy ending, no escape
But in the end, its gentle,
In the wind is the peace
Not one broken bone!
Just exhaustion
    rest
    sleep
    new day
    sunshine

How to lose half your American friends in one post.

I'm gonna cop it big time for this, but it is something to think about, something to provoke intelligent discussion. Perhaps see a bigger picture.

9-11
Very sobering, very tragic, on every level. Horrific waste of life.
Those who died, didn't die heroically or give some ultimate sacrifice.
They just died. And we remember that, purely for what it is.
But lets also remember why terrorism against the west, and the US in particular, is happening.
Its not because Islam wants to convert the world by any means possible.
Its not because they hate everything that is not Islam.
Its not because they are all hate filled murderous unloving devils.
Its because its the only option left to people who have been treated like crap by a nation that thinks its Gods gift to the world.
Sure we don't understand the logic of terrorists, and the insane martyr attitudes, but we do understand blind patriotism that makes no attempt to understand another culture. Don't we?

Please take the time to read this article:

http://johnpilger.com/articles/from-hiroshima-to-syria-the-enemy-whose-name-we-dare-not-speak

To heal or not to heal!

I've mentioned healing before (somewhere, not sure if it was in my blog) and pondered the workings and importance of it. I'm still pondering and may never really get my head around it - and I've yet to find anyone that can truly say they have.

As many of you know, I lost my wife to cancer 2 years ago. I nursed her for 2 years and in that time we read so many books and had so much prayer and did so many bible studies that it exhausts me to think about it.

Previous to that, I was involved with the charismatic and pentecostal movements from the early 80s and was very familiar with healing, and even had a couple of minor things healed myself, and I've seen some pretty awesome miracles. So when Min got sick, I can safely say we were no spring chickens at this sort of thing.

So with absolute determination and all the faith we could muster, we held on to her healing till the very end. Through all this my son decided that if mum wasn't healed then God obviously didn't exist or didn't care, and who can blame him! After all, we built up his expectations!

So, after a couple of years down the track, what do I think?

Firstly, God heals! No doubt about it, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. But obviously not all the time, and obviously not for any of the reasons that preachers have offered over the last 100 years or so. Would I still pray for healing? Sure, but not like I used to.

Here's the crunch, from my perspective, at the moment (all things being subject to change, lol).

Jesus healed heaps of people, the apostles healed quite a few, and things sort of fizzled over the years until they became the realm of super-christians or mystics etc. They became a huge focus again after the great revivals of the 1800s. And rightly so, as it seemed God was awakening the power of the gospel again.

But as all things miraculous, they have become the focus. For example, the glory movement, is obsessed with seeing God "manifest" his presence with clouds, gold dust, and now gems. They are of course, quite amazing, and for many they are a great source of inspiration and faith. But they have nothing to do with relationship. Its like a man giving his wife endless gifts and dazzling her with fancy trinkets, to the point where she forgets about who he is and just wants more trinkets.

You can see it over and over in so many churches, only to have it fizzle out and leave the faithful grasping for more until it all eventually turns to custard.

I think the same is happening with healing. But the thing with healing is its very much a part of our being - our physicality, and illness affects our mental state and those around us. So no wonder its still an important "gift" from God, as it brings life and relief to so many.

BUT (you knew that was coming, didn't you!), seeing as our whole purpose is union with God, and to live in and through love and love alone, is healing really such an important issue? Don't get me wrong (re-read the last few paragraphs thanks), but when we go out "on purpose" to heal people, are we missing the point?

I'm thinking that if we live to love people, then THAT alone is all we are called to do. If we are living and constantly allowing our mind to be renewed to that love, then we will feel what God is really doing in every unique situation in every unique person's life. And sometimes that will involve physical healing, and sometimes it won't.

If our sole purpose is to love, and healing happens, then more has been achieved than just trying to heal people. In fact, far more than just scoring a notch in your bible and making someone happy for a little while. By loving - WITH NO EXPECTATION - we have done more than any amount of healings and miracles would ever achieve.

So what am I saying?

Healing and miracles are "good to have", they are "icing on the cake", and not to be chased after, or even made a priority. They are something that God sorts out as he sees what any individual really needs to benefit his union with them. They are not like rubbing the lamp in the hope that the genie of healing will grant our wishes - something that actually makes a mockery of Holy Spirit.

I don't pray for healing for everyone, in fact I think it shows lack of integrity to just pray to heal something not knowing if it will work or not. I know all the doctrines and scriptures, and I've seen the results (please re-read the beginning of this post), but love is the thing, beginning and end. I no longer want to assume anything in how God works, and healing is just one little arrow in his arsenal of love.

Healing is cool, but love is better.

Father vs Lover

This is a tricky subject, and can't say I've ever quite got to the bottom of it. Since letting go of religion and the obsession of assuming the bible is the answer to everything, I've come to some interesting conclusions that work for me - so far!

The concept of God as our father is well grounded in scripture, particularly by Jesus. There's no disputing the image of a perfect father who loves us unconditionally, and will bring every person to the knowledge of their completion in him.

But there is also the concept of God as a lover woven through scripture as well. It's more subtle but is intrinsic to the concept of the "bride of Christ".

These days I don't quote verses to prove a point. I might dig around to get a feel for a subject, but Christ in me is my guide. So here's the thing that has gurgled around the back of my brain for some time. A perfect father is awesome, can't argue with that so I'm not dissing that aspect of God at all. But I am taking it a step further.

I think the idea of the Bride hints at a level of union and oneness with God that goes way beyond any Father/child relationship. Our personal romantic relationships go way deeper than parental ones. There is a softness, romance, mutual adoration and intimacy that supersedes all other relationships. We leave our parental relationships to unite with another person in way that is impossible with our parents.

Even though Jesus talked about his father, and there are things like the prodigal son, which are beautiful metaphors, he hinted at something deeper many times as well - the father and I are one etc.

Paul and John talked a lot more about an intimacy that you would never describe as fatherly. In fact, father implies separation - sure, a loving father who is besotted with his children, but never the less, separate.

Now that we are one with God in every sense, that father/mother model has been outgrown. We are now old enough, as it were, to be lovers. To enter a whole new realm of love. A unity and oneness with all he is and all he has created (and expressed toward each other) that surpasses the need for the type self deprecation we associate with an authority figure (no matter how benign they may be).

The implications of this have been creeping up on me and creating a whole new sense of who God is and how I was created to relate to him. We are equals!! Of course, he is completely "omni" everything and I'm not like him in that sense, but he wants me as an equal, like a lover, no secrets, everything shared, neither lording it over the other. Just a beautiful oneness built on God's initiated passion that has drawn me into his arms.

Dare I also suggest that this surpasses all concepts of gender, God being completely female and completely male, thus completing us on every level no matter what our gender/sexuality is (although this is another huge topic!).

Perhaps the whole concept of lover is really what Jesus meant by "sending the Holy Spirit to live in us". There is a huge realm opening up for me that transcends culture/religion/scripture/tradition and all the bondage those things create, and frees me to to embrace Holy Spirit.

I've always thought that addressing God as Father just never really expressed it right. I'd try Jesus or Spirit or Lord or whatever, but nothing does the job. I'm tempted to call him Lover! No more "Father God I beseech you to pour out your blessings, blah, blah". Now its just "Hey Lover, what are you doing, can I help, or do you just want to hang out, maybe we could make love!!"

Old Testament theology made simple

Okay, this is my summary of years of diligent study, bible college, and countless sermons and books.

The Old Testament was the story of a particular ancient tribe and their impressions of God. It is completely irrelevant for us now except for any gems we can pull from it (sure you can make it about Jesus etc, but so what, means nothing now, and in fact completely distracts us from who we are now).

Jesus came from that tribe and actually spent most of his time telling them they had it completely wrong. He then sorted out the whole relationship to God thing, helped us to see how incredibly loving and personal God is, helped us to realise he is all in all and we have nothing to worry about.

Mankind has been trying to return to the mish mash of tribal Judaism in the name of Christ ever since - completely missing the point of everything Jesus did.

What a mess we have made of something so incredibly simple - God 100% in us and us 100% in God - complete freedom to live loved!

The Mechanics of Prayer

Absolutely fascinating - if you can get your head around it. I'm still swimming a bit, but its where my thoughts have been heading for some time. Now I just need to do a course in Quantum physics and I'll be fine!!


By Adam Lanka - Waking Times

Prayer means many different things to many different people. It is something that is so pervasive in our lives that it permeates fully through our societies and cultures. All cultures and religious traditions have their own practices when it comes to prayer, but let us acknowledge the similar theme. People all over the world right now are praying, to influence their world and the universe in myriad ways. But what factors determine the effectiveness of prayer, what is the fundamental basis of its function? How does it work to influence our daily lives and shape our world?

Prayer is our divine and innate connection with the fabric of reality, the way that we write our free will upon the world. To completely examine the nature of prayer we must look at it through various lenses and perspectives, involving spirituality and science, to find the common factors that describe this ancient tradition.

To better understand the mechanics of prayer, let us view it through the Quantum lens. A crucial part of Quantum physics, Warner Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle dictates that we can only measure where a particle is, or how fast it is moving. The act of measuring one of these quantities actually increases uncertainty in the other. What this means is that energy exists as a wave when unobserved, and as a particle when we measure observe it in a location. Observation is the action that separates a particle into either state. But what is the particle when it is not being observed?

Waves in Quantum are actually waves of probability, where everything exists as a formless potentia throughout which any possible outcome can arise. Consciousness interacts with the infinite potentia to create and collapse the world around us into what we call our reality. But our true reality lies within the infinite, as parts of the all connected unitive consciousness of energy. Every particle and atom in the universe is born from the same infinite miasma, and as such, absolutely everything in the universe is one.

The focus of prayer does not need to be directed outward to an external source, it needs to be directed inwards, into our own personal connection with the source. By actively focusing our consciousness, we collapse the wave function of energies, and we consciously create the universe around us. We have stumbled through Quantum theory to finally come to the conclusion that its fundamental function works exactly as prayer does. But with this new foundation in mind, let us examine prayer in its current state.

But to focus our energy is more than just naming the new reality or possibility, it requires complementing it with thought, feeling, and belief. To influence the fabric of existence, we must consciously create with our intent. Prayers are more than just reciting words and chants, it is to be done with feeling, with purpose, and with intent. The combination and arrangement of words isn’t what makes prayer powerful, but what comes from our hearts. By feeling and making a vibration, we send that wave out to influence the infinite probabilities and possibilities in the universe.

Intent and strong feeling are the ways that we create our vibration, and manage the frequency of our wave. Every feeling, mindset, emotion, and thought has a corresponding coherent wave pattern that propagates outward into the fabric of the universe. As it moves through the infinite potential energy, it creates further waves and ripples, and influences all of the energy it comes into contact with. When praying, our intent and pure emotion are the catalysts that actually shape the universe around us, that collapse all of the waves into existence, into reality. We create and shape the world around us with simple, natural, human feelings.

But the caveat from Heisenberg again is that we can influence the wave with our energy, but when we observe it collapses. In prayer, if we are so tied up and entangled with our intent, trying to observe our reality and call it into existence at the same time, we make the energy collapse. Intent fails if we are attached to the outcome of our prayers, for the energy cannot occupy both states; we can know it as wave/vibration or as particle/location due to uncertainty. The most important part of effective prayer and manifesting is to be free of attachment to the outcomes, so that your vibration and intent are not interfered with by observation.

The ego mind plays the biggest role in attaching to the outcomes, as it is focused upon controlling the ‘how’ of the universe, or the particular way and pattern the energy expresses itself. But we cannot bend the universe to our will; we can work with it to influence and shape the expression of its energy. Instead of wishing, hoping for something to come to pass, we must instead be and feel the vibration that we wish to experience, that we wish to send out and influence the rest of the universe. One must feel, completely and wholly, that an intent or outcome already exists in the universe, is already happening. By surrounding ourselves with our new reality, our present reality grows to encompass the new vibration.

With this new glimpse at the mechanics of prayer, we see people all around the world, whether knowingly or unknowingly, constantly shape their daily existence. The universe is made of energy, and to better understand and interact with it, we need to only speak in its language; emotion. Prayer molds the medium, and paints the picture of the world around us. We simply need to be the vibration, be the wave, and be the change in the world that we want to see. We aren’t waiting for the world to change, it is already happening, right now, in each moment. As we all consciously focus our awareness, intent, and emotion to call forth the vibrations and the energy we wish to experience in our universe.

Who was Jesus talking to?

Matt 15:24 says "...I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel."

Oh, OK, that's interesting! 

So Jesus apparently, was just on earth for the Jews. Hmmm...

That means that every thing he did and spoke was just for the Jews and doesn't apply to us!! That really is heresy! I mean, to think that all the stuff recorded in the gospels was only relevant to the Jews is kind of disturbing - especially if we've been living by the "what would Jesus do?" mindset.

But the implications are even more disturbing if we really think it through. Jesus only spoke to Jews in relation to the old covenant setup (his odd interaction with gentiles was only in terms of their faith in God). He talked about the law, its bondage, the death it brings etc, in relation to the Jews. The gentiles had no idea about any of that stuff, so his words would have been meaningless to them anyway.

Paul was a Jew, who brought a different revelation than Jesus did. Sure, there's some commonality, but Paul was trying to communicate to gentiles through his Jewish paradigm. He struggled! He knew in his heart the extravagant inclusiveness of God's love and acceptance of ALL mankind, but he constantly had to wrestle with the Jews and his own cultural mindset. You can clearly see the battles he fought with himself and the original Jewish followers of Jesus.

Soooo, I'm a gentile. And most of us probably are as well. In fact, even if you are of Jewish heritage, the old covenant is long gone, so you may as well be a gentile! That means that the words of Jesus in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John aren't relevant to me - I can ignore them?? Well, yes, I guess that's true. I can ignore them, in the sense that they have no bearing on my relationship with God.

I can, however, get a lot better sense of God's nature and relationship with us from Paul. But even then, he struggled with the full implications of the gospel because of his Jewish heritage.

This only leaves us with one reliable option - the only option that Jesus gave us all just before he was killed. He said the Holy Spirit was going to come for everyone and he was going to be the source of all comfort and truth.

That's rather unnerving really, because it means we don't have a book of instructions to follow, only some intangible wafty spirit thing. Unless that spirit is far more real, and far more intrinsically part of us than we ever imagined!

Just imagine if we really are ONE with God right now! Just imagine if God really IS love and that love is already intrinsically part of who we are. Imagine if all we have to do is act on that reality! 

We would do well to remember that what Jesus did was established "before the foundations of the world", which implies a heck of a lot more than what he presented to the Jews.

Scary stuff indeed!!