Yes folks, it's finally available!

Be the first!

Available from XLibris bookshop NOW

and other shops very shortly

The Project!!

Most of you may have heard about my Silent Gays website and some of you may even be following the Silent Gays Facebook page - thanks so much if you are (*hugs*).

So its time to explain the big picture, because I'd love to have as many people on board as possible. I'm passionate about this and feel there is a huge need to be met! So here's the (drum roll):

Silent Gays Project (trumpets, applause, screaming adulation...)

The Silent Gays website is the central location for resources and general info. Silent Gays Facebook is where the action happens - the latest news, articles, inspiration etc.

Here's where it gets interesting - I want to facilitate and inspire "silent gays" everywhere to get together, to talk and love and support and inspire and cry and believe in each other and BE God's love to this world.

I've started a "secret" Facebook group (Gaylent Sighs) as a safe, private place for people to share their hearts in a loving and safe environment. Its also a place where people can organise small group get-togethers.

These groups will be around 6 people max, in "public" places - cafes, bars etc - so there is no hint of anything religious or "churchy" (home groups can be intimidating and triggering for a lot of people).
The basic premises for the groups are:

• The meetings are NOT to be counseling sessions. Everyone attending is on equal ground, the goal being to listen to each other’s hearts, discuss problems, share burdens and explore religious assumptions and paradigms that underlie the issues.
• Every person’s spiritual journey must be respected. The process of dismantling religion to find spiritual and personal integrity can be a long difficult process. The group’s purpose is to support each other on that journey while exploring and challenging traditions and religious assumptions.
• The Gaylent Sighs Facebook group is the central focus for meetings. People can look for others in their area in the group and discuss issues, share their concerns, ask for advice etc.
• This isn’t a dating service! Although relationships can start anywhere, we must be respectful of everyone’s emotional state and vulnerability.

My book, Its Life Jim... will be an integral part of the project as it will hopefully inspire people to be real, ask the hard questions and not be afraid of the answers.

Of course, I need MONEY to help it along, so I have a GoFundMe campaign set up raking in the filthy lucre for my spurious project. Please feel obliged to give me as much as you can!!

Seriously though, I do need some descent backing to get the marketing running on a serious level as well as enough to cover a first print run of books (around $1000 to kick off).

I'm so grateful to everyone who has supported and encouraged me this far. Lets get this thing on the road!!

Jims Awesome Cult Watch

On a whim and rush of adrenalin (or the last vestiges of gin coursing through our veins from the night before), myself and a friend decided to check out the grand opening celebrations of Destiny Church's new "City of God" in Auckland.

For my overseas friends - Destiny is a large pentecostal church in New Zealand that has had its fair share of flack for many years. Over the last year or so their numbers have been dropping and then last December, the leader's right hand man did a runner and opened his own church just down the road.

So anyway, the pastor, Brian Tamaki, made himself a bishop a couple of years back (for real) and of course refers to himself as an apostle. Most of the elders are family and he runs a VERY tight ship.

I've only ever read the odd article about them and seen the news reports, and must confess I haven't even read the book that was written about him last year by Peter Lineham, who I know, very slack of me, sorry Peter!

To be fair, they actually do a lot of good work in the community and have great programs for helping the poor and needy, and their motivation certainly seems pure.

So we found comfy seats, which, by the way, were "movie theater" seats - plush thick purple padded things with armrest, just no drink/popcorn holder - and settled in for the show for around 1000 people. And what a show it was!!

Every cliche in the book, the loud pumped up rock/R&B worship music, the pep talks and emotional dynamics (which I know soooo well cos I used to lead worship myself). The stage is a wonder to behold with the country's largest LED screen in place extending 24meters across the back of the stage, floor to ceiling, and very impressive light shows to complete the polished performance.

Then there were the offerings - yep, 3 all up. Tithes AND gifts (which they passed around the seats for, and a special seed faith offering which everyone had to take to the front of the church and put in a couple of big baskets, which were then lifted up in the air and prayed over.

There was a performance (a Maori Kapa Haka) put on by the Destiny school kids (yes, they have their own school) that told us how amazing the school is and how it was only so good because of Brian.

We had Stan Walker singing beautifully, and finally the Bishop (no one calls him pastor, let alone Brian), gave us the sermon. Apparently God specifically told him to not preach what he had planned but instead to give a very blunt message on "Wolves in the fold" which he informed he was "winging it" at the last minute - despite the fact that the big LED screen operator seemed to amazingly anticipate his subject headings and scripture references while he was preaching.

So anyway, the whole point of the sermon seemed to be damage control after the recent split, with very strong and unambiguous references to wolves coming among the sheep to destroy them. There was plenty of out of context and misquoted scripture, lots of mocking and patronising, large servings of emotional manipulation and fear mongering, and most importantly, unquestioning and unswerving allegiance to himself and the elders.

This was preached in no uncertain terms and he said that only he had the most powerful anointing to discern these wolves, and the elders had the next most powerful. Everyone else were just silly happy sheep who couldn't be trusted to discern these things for themselves and had to completely trust the leaders, who would decide who are wolves and who are sheep. No one could be trusted and he even encouraged wives to not trust their husbands and to be prepared to ignore him if he started getting slack about going to church and his allegiance to the Bishop.

This was all the most wonderful display of a narcissist in full flight. Incredible control and manipulation through fear and mistrust, using the indigenous cultural values of the Maori and pacific islanders to threaten the breakdown of their families if they didn't follow his advice.

It was the kind of thing you don't really believe unless you actually hear it. My only hope is that it will not survive the recent split and the people will come to their senses and see the depth of this guys deception. I think that at the heart of even his best social work initiatives is the need to feed his narcissism, to be held and worshiped in his position of complete power, to have the adulation of those he can coerce to give him the love that will never satisfy.

We can only hope that the fallout, when it eventually comes, will be small and those who end up hurt won't fall for the same thing again.

Update:
There is also a special ring that men can buy for $600 when they become one of Brian's spiritual sons. They sign a covenant pledging loyalty to him. 

To love - to tolerate - to humiliate

I posted this on Facebook and thought I'd share here for those who aren't on it.

I posted my joy over the passing of the "gay marriage bill' in NZ the other day, and of course, in the middle of the joy and relief, the haters jumped on board.

There was a lot of rhetoric, much heated gainsaying, and plenty of plain pigheadedness from just about everyone, but in particular from those against gay marriage and homosexuality in general.

But here's the thing - in the middle of all that, some of us started to try to understand each other. A glimmer of willingness to be wrong crept in and opened the door to real dialog. As the dust began to settle, genuine questions opened up, and reality kicked in. Some of those who were slamming gays and just demanding repentance, began to listen and ask questions from the heart, challenging, and responding with respect.

That is what its all about! I have the utmost respect for those people. I could see them struggling to understand, with genuine concerns, but still asking and listening.

So often we write people off before we give them our hearts and try to open up real dialog. Time after time I've seen, when I get off my bandwagon, stop taking offence and treat people with the same respect I expect, things start to change. Sometimes it can take time, and you may never agree, but the point is, you start to understand each other, respect each others opinions.

I have seen so much arrogance and disrespect for people. People acting catty and self righteous, proud and intolerant. And the worse thing is its not just from the pharisees and religious fundies. I've seen so many people who talk of grace and love not even taking the time to use basic communication skills, no respect for the journey others are on, no tolerance for bigotry and hatred they may well have carried in the past themselves!

We will never all agree on doctrines or "what the bible says"! But if we are lacking the decency to listen, to draw out each other's hearts with integrity, to extend the love and grace to others we expect, even when they are lashing out at us - then we are no better and need to go back to Gospel 101.

I stand guilty myself on so many occasions. I have reacted and shamed people, told them they are bigoted wankers and worse. But seeing as I am one with God, I should be able to display his love, endless patience and tolerance as he has extended it to me. I apologize for all those I have offended by my intolerance - yes you may have been total assholes to me, but that isn't the point. I have to take responsibility for my heart and my attitude - not yours!

We will always get those who refuse even the most heart felt call to understanding, and we may have to end communication and relationship to avoid damage to each other. But the moment we react in the same spirit, when we sarcastically belittle them, label them with ignorance and mock them, we have just disappeared up our own anal orifice and lost hope of any integrity we may have been clutching too.

If we don't practice this grace we are so vocal about, we need to go back to square one and start again.

A Face Full of Dirt

(Likened unto visionaries we shall walk with still feet and not trample the tall blades or spill their green life)

I fell on my face the other day, or maybe in another time, and they came, I thought to laugh at me, but offered warm hands, I thought in self righteous piety - and I told them all about themselves - I thought. If they had just seen and told me I would not have fallen. They too should fall on their smiling little faces and taste the dirt that I can taste, and eat the mud and slime.

I waited for a while, or a lifetime, and felt them move back out of my awareness.

The dampness about me had a dark warmth and life all of its own - moving on soft edges and brittle limbs and burrowing into darkness to die and give life back to the cycle. And I watched and drew my own life from theirs and I heard their whispers and longed for their wisdom.

(We moved beyond his sight but always watched for him, for the movement would not be long)

After a time I felt the wind moving through my hair as if challenging my part in the earth cycle, and I moved, ever so slight, my face braking contact with the earth, and the breeze twisted around my cheeks. The life of the breeze was complete and unto itself and above the earth. But the dirt held my eyes and the life of the wind and earth would blend, I thought, at least with me as their mediator. But the strain on my neck was growing and with my desire for the life of the wind AND the life of the earth eating at my heart, confusion held fast.

(We saw the moment, stepped forward, and gently raised his head)

As my strength gave, hands, warm and gentle, lifted my head back to the compromise, and I welcomed their strength. But they kept lifting a little higher, and a little higher. And the breeze began to enfold my whole face, and I understood the life of the air, I thought, and restrained the hands there, for here was all understanding! It seemed.

The hands held firm and never faltered and I wondered at their strength and beauty. I remembered then, MY hands, and slowly brought them up to my face, examined them and began to see the likeness to those that held me!

(We moved closer - he was seeing, and an eagerness flooded our hearts)

I touched my face - with my hands! They felt like those who held me. I felt the dirt still clinging to my cheeks, almost embedded grain by grain into the skin. I rubbed, and dirt fell, and as it fell I felt more of the life of the air, and in my excitement I found I was leaning on my elbows and the hands moved to help me.

(We smiled now, and cautiously prepared to lift him as he gave us leave)

The air filled my spirit but it overwhelmed me, and the simple cycle of life in the earth held my mind. I tasted the grains on my fingers and smelled the mud, but now, I was only seeing its death. I hoped then that at least I would understand the air, so I pushed up back onto my hands and felt the other hands shift in firmer grip to help me. They felt so warm and loving compared to the damp of the earth, so that all I now desired was to see and feel more!

I raised my head slowly, straining against unused muscles, and saw faces. I think I remembered the faces, but I wasn't sure, and seeing their smiles, I smiled too and realised we shared the same life of the air.

(If they could all be this willing we would be there by now)

Together, we stood up - they held me still, though, for my legs were weak and shaky. I looked around and in the distance saw - something, a goal, and I began to walk with them, like visionaries, with still feet and not trampling the tall blades or spilling their green life.

And the wisdom of the life of the air filled me.

All roads lead to Rome

Now that's a title that's bound to get some interest! Jim's lost the plot and headed for the fires of hell, yet again.

Well, I'm not broaching the subject of other religions, I'll save that for some time down the line... But I am talking about doctrines, denominations, theology, paradigms, blah, blah.

I had a run in with someone about "sound doctrine" and if you don't have it you're headed for damnation and need to repent immediately! It was their job to publicly determine who was "sound" and who was a heretic. It doesn't take much to imagine what my response would have been, but I was nice about it!

Sooo, let's take a couple of the most currently contentious doctrines floating around, say, "all are in Christ" and maybe "Universal Reconciliation", "Inclusionists" perhaps, subjective vs objective reconciliation, all that sort of stuff. Its a huge battle as people throw scriptures around trying to prove their points. Books and countless articles, videos and posts about it all. Now you probably know my personal views on some of this stuff, but that's not really the issue.

The point is we need to encourage each other to go for it! Yes, that's right, support and help each other in our quest for truth!

We can trust God in us to guide us, its really that simple. All we need is the integrity and honesty about our journey and the humility to be wrong and the willingness to be stretched. He has given us intelligence, reason, common sense, curiosity, passion and a desire for truth. We need to use these faculties to their fullest. And the best part is He's right there with us in that journey.

Now I can hear some of you saying, "well that's fine as long as its based in scripture, otherwise we'll just drift off into spiritual anarchy and deception". Well, I kinda think God's a little bigger than that. If we are truly living in the integrity I described above, then we can totally trust God to guide us.

The thing is, His grace leads us to intimacy with Him - that's the whole purpose of it. In that place, doctrines become a non-issue, its all about Jesus and us, living loved and all that entails. And from that place we have the permission and the ability to freely pursue all that we put our minds to. His universe (physical and spiritual) is so enormously huge that even the bible is quite a limited document.

That's got a few of you going too, I would guess, but I've covered that in a few previous blogs. Suffice it to say, the bible is awesome and definitely something He left for us to cross reference our life in the Holy Spirit with, but its also been the fuel for the worst atrocities in history.

We are made in His image and we are in union with Him. We are free to use all our God given capabilities and character to pursue His truth, in complete trust that He will guide us. Jesus WILL lead us into all truth.

So my original point? All these doctrines aren't either/or, they are expression of God's heart through us, and we have nothing to fear by pursuing these ideas. Lets help each other in this exciting journey into the enormity of Daddy's heart!!

Relationship 101

I think I've got it all sussed now.

Its all very simple really. It comes down to why God created us. After much thoughtful contemplation - well about 40 years worth really, and some of it not very thoughtful (but that's another story), I've realised He created us to have a relationship with Him.

That may not sound overly profound as such, but the implications are huge. For starters, what sort of relationship, and how do we get it? 

Well, the bible talks about intimacy, I mean, look at Song of Solomon - that's really intimate. But when I look at the big picture, I can see it comes down to our complete union/oneness with him. 

Everything we know about love and Jesus and Holy Spirit and Father all centres around an intimate relationship. But here's where it gets interesting. I can't have an intimate relationship with anyone if we don't communicate. Its a two way thing - intimacy from both partners, transparency, trust, unconditional love for and from both sides - otherwise it isn't a relationship.

Many christians and spiritual people in general, will talk about our unity/oneness with God and enjoy him in nature and seeing his heart in everything all around them including other people. And this is true, its a good thing, a great thing! But is it relationship? Do we talk to Him, hear Him, like any other lover talks with their beloved. Yes, its that sort of intimacy He created us for! Not a pseudo-pantheistic oneness with the universe, although its part of the picture. I'm talking about real conversations, whether hearing voices or hearing with our hearts. I'm not talking about reading the bible or christian books or listening to teachings. 

This is the real deal - 

"Yes, I know God, we chat away all the time, He's so interesting and we talk about  everything...", 

"I was talking to God the other day about my son's sore foot, and He reckoned it will be OK if he rests it...", 

"We were discussing what I thought about this book yesterday and He said it was basically OK but some of the stuff was just the guy projecting his own issues...", 

"We went for a walk this morning and He just kept telling me how much He loved me, even all the stuff I hate about myself, well, He just cut through all that and I got overwhelmed..." 

That's the sort of real.

In the end its the only thing that matters. It doesn't matter how we get there. It doesn't matter what doctrines we believe. It doesn't matter what process or rituals. It doesn't matter if you are baptised, spirit filled, have said the sinners prayer or even 'given your life to Jesus'. That was all taken care of a couple of thousand years ago. 

He just wants to live with us, to be our lover/partner/father/mother/brother/sister. When we are in that place, all our "issues" just fall away, without even trying. In the presence of that level of intimacy and being engulfed in that much love, we just "are". Nothing else matters.

The Book of Jim

An allegory - few holes in it, but serves a purpose...

A friend has written a book about me, well both of us really. Kind of like the story of our relationship over the years; how we met, kept bumping in to each other, discovering similar interests and ideas, finding we had a lot of the same friends. How we flatted together, and became the bestest of friends. I told all the stories of my past, my family. Shared my heart about nearly everything. So yeah, I guess we are pretty intimate, no secrets, we love each other, respect each other.

So here's this book about us, from his perspective. Of course, he ran it all past me, I read the first draft, and I liked it - the good and the bad. There's stuff where he's made a lot of assumptions about me despite our relationship, I mean, there's a limit to how much he can really get inside my head! And there's the limitations of the written word. But I like that it's his heart about me, even if he doesn't quite get me at times.

There's lots of great stories about things we did together, and stories he remembers me telling him, well, his version of the stories, lol! Sometimes he just gets me all wrong, as friends do, but I love that he's put it all in there, because that's what relationships are all about - getting to work through these things. Knowing that in the working out, the friendship grows deeper. Oh I trust him, totally, because we are besties, and what he doesn't get now, he'll get later on.

So its a great book, warts and all, and I wouldn't want it any other way, cos even though its about me, its really about both of us and how he sees that. Not sure if it will ever really be finished, but its published anyway!

Rain

This is a beautiful analogy from Rob Bell.
Father's love is so much better then we can ever imagine!

Relationship

What does our relationship with God look like? I mean, in reality, real life, day to day stuff.

How do we "do" relationship? If I want a relationship with another person I don't read books about them, although that helps me understand them a little. And I wouldn't meet them and just sit there expecting them to just talk to me, tell me what to do and how to run my life. Neither would I just talk to them endlessly without listening.

I'd talk and expect a reply. I'd expect to have intelligent, understandable conversations. We would share our hearts with each other and as our relationship developed we would trust each other more and more with our "secrets". We would be supportive of each other and never assume our love and respect wasn't mutual.

We wouldn't be afraid to speak our minds, knowing that we would never ever intentionally hurt each other, and always be willing to forgive.

Does my relationship with God look like this? If it doesn't, is it a relationship? Are we just acquaintances who just say hello occasionally? Am I in a grovelling co-dependant one sided relationship with Him?

He speaks to us, yes, voices in the head/crazy person stuff. We have conversations with Him - real live two way conversations. And we can trust those conversations. Holy Spirit is in us - the fullness of the trinity is in us now in all his glory, waiting to have interesting conversations about our thoughts and feelings, fears and anger, anything and everything. He is our best friend and intimate lover (yes men, as hard as that may seem he wants that kind of intimacy!). Our daily boring little lives are never boring to Him. He is so happy to chat away any time, anywhere, or give us a bit of space, butt in at awkward moments, laugh at us, laugh with us, cry with us.

Anything we expect in a human relationship, He will be there in a way that is perfect, beyond anything another human can offer. Its that real and that incredible. We can totally trust our recreated spirit in union with His spirit! Its done and finished - we just have to stop and take the time to build the relationship. Listen, talk, respond, relax, be natural. It doesn't get any better than this!

Just Jesus

I've been thinking a lot lately, and more so after some comments today, what a complicated mess we have made the gospel, what a horrible burden of half truths and complicated theolgies that all contradict each other. A huge quagmire of methods, principles, doctrines, and of course every one is right ;-)
But if a child can't understand it, its just all crap!! You can read the bible like its an intruction manual and study every little nuance of Greek and Hebrew, but so what?! It was never meant to be an instruction manual on how to "do christianity".

It took many years for me to realise that its just Jesus, Jesus plus nothing. Father's unbelievably outrageous love for us that defies all logic and cuts through all theology. I don't care if I never hear another doctrinal statement in my life. I have the complete life of the truine Godhead living in my right now. He loves me to bits and never lets me forget it. The more I realise that the more that love just comes out of me, I can't help it. And it doesn't matter what doctrines I believe or don't believe because I can trust Him in me, I can trust Him with every thought that runs through my tired brain.

God IS love, nothing else, it all comes from there. I am finally realising what it is to truly love God, because he is loving me first. I will only operate from that place now, even if I stumble because my mind is still being renewed, I will not take my eyes and heart off Him. I won't look to doctrines and principles and fads for help. Just Him, Jesus plus nothing!!

So how do we do this?

You read all the books and try to discipline yourself to do all the things that will bring you closer to God and empower you to live that awesome life the bible talks about. But it's a battle full of self doubt, all the classic stuff - that they talk about in all the books. Maybe I missed something in all those books?

You know, I could go on trying to do Christianity, and do a reasonably good job at it. Most of us, who have been doing it for a while, know enough about grace and forgiveness and love and righteousness to live a passable life. We could even do all the stuff Jesus says to do and feed the poor and look after the widows - really good stuff. We could cast out demons and heal the sick - he said we should do that too. Hmm, that's a tricky one. I've read lots of books about that and had a good go at it at times. But there seems to be a few problems...
Doesn't always work is the main one. Feeding the poor always works, and looking after the widows works too, but the other stuff gets really mixed results. If He said we should heal the sick (that's heal the sick - not just pray for them) surely he would give us the means to do it? The bible said he has - "by his stripes (physical wounds he received) we are healed", not might be healed, or could be if we do the right things, or pray enough, but are healed. So I must still be missing the point here.

Now I know I've opened up a very large can of horrible little squirmy things. That why there are so many books written about it. But not many of them really get to the nitty gritty of it - we either are healed, like Jesus said, or we aint. so the real question is how do we get it?

There's a lot of teaching about the kingdom of God being "now and not yet", an awesome concept to cover all the missing bits that don't happen yet, like peace on earth, healing, complete authority over the devil and all his works and so on. The kingdom of God is here, but not in it's fullness yet. We are still learning to "do" it. It's a tidy idea and a good piece of theology that fixes up the problems we seem to have with Jesus commands. But Jesus didn't actually say it anywhere, not really. He said a lot about "you got it - no get out there and do it". Yes there are some that "only come out with prayer and fasting" - and I think we night have taken that to mean whole lot more than He did.

So I think about how I can figure this out, I mean, I've taken a long time over this and read lots of books and tried lots of things. The conclusion? Get to know God better! Easy - ish. If I knew Him better, I mean really knew how he feels about things, about how to do things and his love for me and everyone else - everything really, Then there wouldn't be a problem cos He'd tell me what to do when I needed to do it. That way I can't possibly go wrong. I suppose He wouldn't tell me everything though because we have to find things out for ourselves. Sort of look at what He's told us already and figure things out from that. He hasn't hidden anything from us - He's hidden them for us to find (thanks to Bill Johnson for that one). This builds faith as I trust Him. But if I don't really know Him enough I'll never properly figure anything out for myself. The only solution left that I can see is having some sort of on going intense, real, personal encounter with Him. One that builds our relationship, cements the realisation beyond a doubt that he loves me and always wants the best for me, and gives me such a lasting longing for more of Him that I can truly be confident in all I do.

Now that would change everything! A real, tangible encounter with the God who created everything. Then I would know He was with me all the time - I could turn to Him and take His hand when I felt fragile - He'd give me hope and direction when I needed it - I'd know His voice so well because I would have heard Him, felt Him, experienced Him. And I could heal all the sick and have total authority over all the works of the enemy - just like he said I would.

And He promised this sort of relationship is for EVERY believer - now all I have to do is figure out why I'm not quite there yet...

Beware

(Bit gloomy, but I think there is something of this in all of us sometimes)

Beware! Lest I should rise
     Like some false prophet from the swamp of my own backyard
     Driven by inane apocalyptic visions
     Drawn from some dark recess in my ego

A craving to be right
     beats my war drums
     And they echo -
Down through dreams and fantasies
     Luring and betraying
     Lonely and longing for blood.

Beware! Lest I should fall
     Like some rampant fool
     Stumbling off my self-erected stage
     Lost in senseless ravings
     Drawn from some dark recess in my ego

Schiz

(for an old friend - or was it for me?)


I see eyes

That hide in fear

I see love

That hides in guilt

I see trust

That holds to guilt and fear.

Tormented soul

Feigning time’s release

Person within person

Battling to be king

One must abdicate

Or none will survive.